[Woman_Overboard]

For the longest time I've been able to kind of push the memories of my sexual abuse away, or rationalize them... For a while I even got good at lying to myself about how those memories make me feel, but lately my life has gotten so overwhelming that I have been forced to stop everything and reassess how I am living. I don't want to do things to numb the pain anymore, or ignore those dark parts of myself. I have been doing a lot of introspection, and it seems that the abuse is all I can focus on lately. I have been experiencing running thoughts, and I am in a lot of pain... I am okay with that, for the first time ever I accept that I feel like complete and utter ****. I am letting myself look there, and really feel ALL of the emotions that accompany traveling to that place inside of myself.

I think shame is the hardest one for me to feel, and I have figured out exactly where/when my feelings of shame started..When my father first started molesting me, I was too young to understand that the way he was touching me and the things he was doing were sexual; I thought they were caring acts. He would talk to me in this fake sweet/tender voice... I even enjoyed the attention he gave me, especially because my mother was always so irritated with me, and often cold/distant. I just thought he loved me and that the things he was doing were a way of showing he cared (I wanted to feel loved).

Then I reached an age where I realized that what he was doing was sexual, and it made(makes) me feel really gross that at one point I enjoyed that attention. When I fully understood what he was doing to me, I started to just mentally check out of my body when it would occur (and I still have issues with daydreaming and detaching from my reality to cope with stress). I know logically that I was not sick/gross for having enjoyed the attention, I was just too young/naive to really understand what was happening to me. I wanted affection, and my father gaslighted/manipulated me.... But it is still really hard for me to accept that piece of myself.

I think I am finally ready to seek out a therapist (I have never been to one), I don't want to be on any medication, but I am tired of trying to figure all of this out on my own. Has anyone here been able to fully accept this part of themselves through therapy?

[kaliope]

well I cant answer the question you are asking because it isn't specific to what I feel. I don't remember my abuse by my brother. I just wanted to offer some advice on choosing a t. I spent years with a t that knew I had ptsd but ran away from treating it. my anxiety grew and grew and grew till I had a hard time functioning. I had to drop out of school. I finally quit seeing him and started with a t that specialized in trauma and childhood abuse. turns out I am DID, which my past t and pdoc even suspected but never addressed. I have come very far being treated correctly and my anxiety has been greatly reduced. many memories have surfaced. I don't feel any of it is my fault. make sure when picking a t that you choose on that specializes in trauma and abuse. I think this is so important. take care.

[Lanie2830]

I don't think that anyone can every fully accept themselves after being abused, but seeing a therapist can help you come to terms with what happened and learn to like yourself again.
I was in a similar situation. I was molested repeatedly for about 2 years. I learned to bury the memories and pretend that I was fine, but they always were right under the surface waiting to come out. I coped by using drugs, alcohol and self harm. I was full of self hate. I attempted suicide. On the surface I was a successful person, but underneath I was screaming.
Finally I sought out help. I am not "cured" nor will I ever be, but I am beginning to learn to live with the memories and not letting them destroy me.
The key to therapy is finding a therapist you trust. You may have to try several before you find one that you feel completely comfortable with. My therapist is the only person in the world that knows what I am going through. I trust him and can reach out to him anytime - even at 1am when I'm on the floor in the middle of a flashback.
Don't get discouraged if you don't find the perfect one the first try. Keep looking! Good luck!

[Angelina24]

I have not yet fully accepted all of my past in therapy but I'm working on it. One of the things I have struggled with is calling the abuse I suffered abuse. My T works with me to accept myself just as I am, right here in this moment. And when appropriate, he gently reminds me that what I went through was abuse at the hands of a very selfish mother. I am currently finding that the more I work on just accepting myself, the easier it gets to accept my past. Not that any of this is easy and not that I have fully accepted what happened to me. As Lanie said, sometimes the best we can do is come to terms with what happened. For me, coming to terms with the past is accepting that it really was abuse and that it was NOT my fault. I'm also beginning to let go of some of my shame because in therapy, I get to be a relationship with someone who cares about me, knows all my secrets, and still accepts me just the way I am. Having someone fully accept you and genuinely care goes a long way towards moving out of that shame. If you can get that in other relationships, great. For me, therapy has been the best way to address my past and start to move forward.

[RainbowG]

I haven't yet gone to therapy for the sexual abuse, but I have gone to therapy for the emotional abuse (this was before I realized I'd been sexually abused because it was covert). I can't really agree with Lanie2830 that no one can learn to accept themselves after being abused. I think it's possible, but it does take a lot of work and time.

For a long time, I was angry at myself for being the obedient daughter. I chose not to rock the boat and let my abusive parents control me, even when I was an adult. (This, incidentally, includes letting my mother do what she wanted with my body, even when I hated it. I sometimes even sought out inappropriate affection, probably because it gave me the illusion that I was accepted by her, which I never was and never will be.)

My T helped me see that I'd been trained to behave like that because the messages my parents sent were clear: Obey and be loved; disobey and be rejected. No child wants to be rejected by his or her parents, so I obeyed. She also helped me see that I was no longer that obedient child. I'm no longer in contact with my abusers, and she helped me appreciate the power of that choice.

So I do believe that a T can help you learn to work through shame, but it will take time and patience. Incidentally, I don't think any T can force you to take medications if you don't want to, so you might want to refuse and see what happens. I personally would refuse to take any medications, no matter what my T said.

What kaliope said is so true and of the utmost importance. It's really important that you find a therapist who has experience dealing with trauma and preferably abuse.

I heard a horrifying (well, to me) story (I think on another abuse forum) about a woman who was going to a T who specialized in anxiety and phobias. The sexual abuse she suffered came up in therapy. When she was telling her T about it, she had trouble saying what the molester had said to her.

This T really pushed her to say these things, and when she did, she had a meltdown. The T justified what she did by saying that she didn't want the words to have so much power over her. Basically, the T was using a common approach for phobias (I believe it's called desensitization), but for trauma/sexual abuse, it's too aggressive. My guess is that the T really didn't know how to deal with sexual abuse memories, so she used the technique she was familiar with for phobias, thinking that would be OK.

This is why it's really important to find a T, if you can, who has experience treating trauma survivors, preferably sexual abuse survivors. If you can't, the next best thing might be a family therapist. At least such a T can understand family dynamics better than one who, for example, specializes in mood disorders.

[Lanie2830]

I think I misspoke when I wrote that you can never accept yourself after abuse. That is not true. A therapist can help you to like yourself again, for me the first time ever. What I meant was that the memories never go away, they become easier to live with.

[mimsies]

It is not at all unusual for children who are sexually abused to enjoy the attention and "affection". It isn't even unusual for children to think it feels good, and want it to happen again. By no means am I saying that that is what always happens, but it certainly isn't unusual.

Later on, it is often difficult for these people who felt this way to feel ashamed and embarrassed. But ya know what? You were a person, and he was doing something that made you feel good, at least emotionally. And... so your response was to like it. There is nothing wrong with that. He took advantage of your natural child instincts to trust your father, and to believe that he wouldn't do anything wrong or hurt you. He took advantage on the fact that you depended on your parents for EVERYTHING, and you believed that they would only do what was in your best interest. He took advantage of the fact that a child doesn't even realize that adults CAN use a child for their own selfish desires, and against the child's needs and health.

Nothing you did or felt was wrong. The ONLY person in the wrong, was HIM.

I don't know what you can or cannot come to accept, but I DO know that if you find the right Therapist, one who cares about, who you can trust, and who you "click" with... you can certainly work on it. It is a long road, and it can be painful. But every breakthrough makes the whole thing worth it.

<3