[joojams]

Hi, I just wondered if you could possibly help me...

Since recently watching a film, I can't stop thinking about one specific night. I've thought about the possibility of it being rape or sexual abuse before but I guess I just tried to forget about it or try to remember it in a different way.

Basically, I went out with a few friends on New Years Eve a few years ago...

We met 2 guys who came back to the flat with us and we were chatting with them all night. I think they were expecting to sleep with someone that night and I did think about it also but decided against it. I got sleepy and decided to go to sleep in one of the rooms on my own. My other 2 friends shared a room and went to sleep a few moments later.

Not long after going to the room, one of the guys entered and asked if he could just sleep next to me, I agreed and we started to sleep until his other friend came into the room and started getting undress, and jump into the bed also. He then asked "why is nobody naked?" Assuming we were going to have sex.

Then things just started like I was just there for sex... They began to undress me and stuff but as I felt like I couldn't say no... I guess I led them on, and let them think it was going to be a one night stand! I felt like I had to participate because that's just what happens. I didn't struggle or scream or try to get away, it's like I just froze and let it happen like I had no control over anything.

My friends know about that night, but not in the way I think of it... They just think that I had a good night but I've never been able to tell them or anyone what really happened because I'm not to sure myself.

I know I didn't want to have sex with either of them, but is this just how one night stands go? Or is it regret? Or is it actually rape or something?

Sorry to bother you but I'm just a bit confused about it all and wanted some opinions.

[Lexi232]

Are you seeing a therapist? If not, can you get set up with one?
The fact that you're questioning it, means that it wasn't okay.
A T can help process this, and give good sound advice and opinions and thoughts on the matter.

[SDarbo]

What constitutes rape gets debated in society a great deal. I'm pretty sure OP is not looking for statutes or regulations.

Rape is sexual activity that occurs without consent or in direct opposition to a person's wishes, by my personal definition. There does come an issue, that I think is hard to discern. If a person was unwilling did the other person know the other party was unwilling? If they didn't know, is it the case that they ought to have known?

I have had sort of an invitation to sexual intimacy which I regarded as void when I realized the potential partner was intoxicated. Had i been way more intoxicated myself I'm not sure I'd have read my proposed partners state as well or had adequate judgement about the situation I was in.

I've avoided talking specifically about the OP's situation and talked about my own situations. Part of the reason is I can not give you an overlay to place on your situation based on my experiences.

Feeling violated does not mean rape occurred. Not feeling violated does not mean rape didn't occur. If someone was able to discern that consent was absent or situationally weak and they proceeded, imo that's rape.

I'm sure many people will find fault with my assessment.

Your feeling traumatized and victimized-that's a legitimate matter for support regardless of my opinion about your question. You deserve support and to feel people's positive regard for you well beyond the incident.

Best wishes, thanks for letting me give my opinion in your thread,
SD

[mommaxo]

personally I think not saying "no" doesn't mean "yes". Rape doesn't always have to happen like in the movies. It isn't always aggressive, and violent sex. When I was 15 years old, I got extremely black out drunk and wasn't all there, and a guy who was much older came down to the basement where I was to "check up on me" and he raped me. I was too drunk to be able to talk properly, or know what was going on exactly. It was horrible. for years people made me feel like I deserved it because I was drunk, and I was promicious when I drank. If you you didn't want to have sex, and he pressured you to have sex, or you felt uncomfortable then yeah it is highly likely that you were raped. It's a touchy subject. I would suggest speaking to someone about what happened.

You did not give consent.

Nowhere did you say 'yes'. You did not want to have sex with them.

Therefore, it was rape.