[NamelessAria]

Hey everyone,

I'm new here. Posted on the new member forum and someone suggested I try here also.

I'm a survivor of domestic violence where there was physical, sexual, emotional and psychological abuse. The guy almost killed me twice. I don't think that was his intention exactly but it was traumatic for me all the same. It took me a couple of years to get out of that situation and when I was finally out I promised myself I would never find myself in a situation like that again. I came out of it with PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder. It took over a year of counseling to stop having flashbacks and panic attacks several times a day, every day.

Fast forward several years. I'm married to a mostly wonderful man who was very supportive and loving. I thought it would be happily ever after but then something went wrong. Over the last year and a half or so I've been feeling more and more like something is wrong and mt marriage is no longer quite healthy. I think my husband is emotionally abusing me but he says its my imagination and I just want to see problems where there aren't problems.

Here is what concerns me:
At the start of this past winter the furnace in our home broke and my husband refused to fix it and forbid me to have anyone fix it. He was traveling for work and nearly never home. Sometimes he would be home on Sunday but that's about it. The rest of the time he was in a nice warm hotel while I was home in a cold house. It was frequently <10°F. We had no fireplace or any other means of heating the house. The pipes were frozen nearly every morning at least. It was horrible. Whenever I would say we should have the furnace fixed he would become angry with me and tell me its fine in the house. It isn't even cold. Put some warm clothes on and stop complaining. Even when it was 0 outside and probably about that inside.
My family kept trying to say that was dangerous and it was abuse but I was firm in mt belief that it wasn't.

Then my husband started trying to convince me that I'm crazy. He'll frequently insult me and/or call me names then insist he never said any of it. He tells me that I never told him things I know 100% I told him several times. He says I have conversations with myself in my head and I believe I said things to him that I really said to myself in my head. I told myself he was just forgetful or distracted and it wasn't abuse.

Then he started getting angry with me and saying how he wanted to kill my cat. Things like "I want to just rip his head off" or "I'm going to poison him so I can get a dog." Sometimes when he gets angry or he is in a bad mood he will throw the cat into walls, kick the cat or hit the cat. Nothing that will permanently or seriously injure the cat but that doesn't make it okay.

Often when he gets angry he will throw things, break things, slam doors and the like.

I kept telling myself that he just doesn't like cats. Those are just things people do when they lose their temper (even though I never have) and it was relatively normal.

He doesn't like me to leave the house. He doesn't like for me to talk on the phone. He monitors what I spend money on and doesn't let me spend more than about $20 without prior approval. He can spend as much as he wants, whenever he wants on whatever he wants though. He is always suspicious of me. If I'm up one night because I can't sleep and he wakes up and sees me on the computer he immediately assumes I'm sneaking around talking to a lover or something. I have never given him any reason not to trust me. I've never cheated, never came remotely close to cheating and I'm always just playing a game, readingthe news, visiting craft blogs or something equally innocent and boring.

He will spend the entire day insulting me ans belittling me then when I finally ask him nicely to stop because he is hurting my feelings he becomes very angry. He tells me I'm "too sensitive" and that I take things "too personally." He tells me that I'm "too defensive" and I "love to fight." We have even had "fights" where all I doing is verbally defending myself (e.g. no I didn't mean that. No I don't hate you. No I'm not cheating. I dont want to fight. Please don't call me a *****) when suddenly he will throw his arms up in front of him defensively like I am beating him and start sobbing and begging me to "stop, please stop." Stop what? All I am doing is calmly, nicely saying I didn't do or say whatever he is making up about me and asking him to stop calling me names. He has gone so far on several occasions as to say he understands why my ex beat me. He has also said none of that ever happened and my ex was probably a really nice guy and I imagined all of it. He says he is only ever nice to be and the rest is in my mind.

He also treats me more like a child than an equal. He will monitor what I eat and decide if I can have what I want or if I need to eat something healthier or with less calories. He tells me about 5 times a day every day to brush my teeth even though I brush without being reminded. Things like that.

He gets angry over the smallest things. I never know what will set him off. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells and the days he is in a bad mood I live in fear of the next horrible fight where he screams and yells at me till i want to die.

I dont know what to think and I dont trust my own mind anymore.

[*PeaceLily*]

Yes, this is abuse.

Please read the following link: The National Domestic Violence Hotline | What is Gaslighting?

Has he always been like this? Have there always been signs of this kind of thing? I can relate to things you have written by the way. I got trapped in an abusive situation with my father and he wouldn;t let me have the central heating on even when I could see my own breath in the house.

I became very sad for your cat while reading this.Is there anyone you could give the cat to?

This man does not sound like a 'wonderful man'. He sounds like an unwell man who you shouldn't be living with. The part where you wrote that he puts his arms up and starts crying makes me think that he has some form of mental illness or trauma or something. Just because someone isn't violent to you doesn't mean it's not abuse. Violence is actually used far less than people think in abusive sitautions- other forms of controlling of the body (eg.telling you when or what you can eat or making it difficult to eat, making the person too hot/cold,) and controlling the mind,(making them think they;re crazy) are actually used far more.

Btw. Don't tell him you have posted on this forum.You my wish to tell him that other people think this is abuse, but that will put you in line for more crazy making behaviour.Also, please make sure you clear your history of this site everytime you post.

xxx

[kaliope]

you are once again in a controlling abusive relationship. it is a pattern with us, we go from one to another. we attract them.....this is why I have been alone for 14 years...I am afraid it will happen again and it is just not worth it. contact your local domestic violence agency for support and help.

[Ree1965]

Dear Aria,

Oh my Gosh Sweety, you are in trouble! I have very recently come to the realization that I am being abused, I was in denial for 4 years. My situation isn't as obviously volatile as yours. Your spouse is actually displaying violent outbursts toward objects ... and not only making threats to your sweet cat, but harming him/her.

What I've learned from doing so much research, is that the abuser never just stops abusing, and the abuse pretty much always gets worse.

There is something very very wrong with him Aria, and NOTHING wrong with you! Do not let him make you feel crazy or wrong, but don't prevoke him.

You need to get out of there. It is MY opinion that you are in danger. I mean, he is even denying you a very basic human need for heat. That in itself is dangerous.

Like so many have suggested to me, I think you really should call the Domestic Violence Hotline and take very strong steps to get yourself out of that house, away from him, and very possibly out of that marriage starting right now.

Don't give him the opportunity to seriously harm if not kill your poor kitty ... and worse ... YOU!

Please believe in yourself and be safe.

[NamelessAria]

Thank you everyone for the replies. I'm not even sure what to say because while I have been suspecting that my husband has become abusive I guess part of me was hoping I was wrong. Although I think most of me was hoping I could find some validation that I'm not making nothing into a big deal.

One of the last bad fights we got into I realized I am scared of my husband. Not because I think he would hurt me but because from experience I know abuse usually gets worse over time and I suppose I'm scared that eventually he would. The abusive relationship I was in before started with the guy being all charm and romance. Then he was emotionally abusive and that kept getting worse till he was sexually and physically abusive also. Of course that time I never suspected things would keep getting worse. I suppose I should at least create an escape plan incase I need it and start trying to set aside some money when I can.

As far as the cat goes: I try really hard to protect him. I don't know anyone who would take him in and I don't have anywhere else I could take him except a kill shelter. I know most adult cats just end up getting put down though because they're so hard to adopt and I don't want that for him.

[pink&grey]

It does sound like there is a lot of gas lighting going on. I've been through that and it's very confusing and can make you feel as though you are losing your mind. Definitely reach out to a group so you can have people that will help you keep a clear vision of what's going on.

[cryingontheinside]

This is mental and emotional abuse as well as financial abuse. I too have been in two relationships like this. As a child i was treated like this my my family and apparantly we seek out what is familiar ti us. I dont know if that is the case for you but in my case it is.
I personally have chosen to be singls now. I dont know if i will stay that way for ever, im quite young to be alone forever, but being on my own the last few years has been a breath of fresh air for me. I've been healing my self and i feel stronger and peaceful.
I personaly would give the cat away to someone who can keep it safe. Its not normal to throw a cat on the wall.
Weather or not you should stay in the marriage is up to you but if you do then maybe marriage councelling could help. If this doesnt work you really need to think about your self and what is best for you.
My dad banned my mum from using the washing mashine when she had two babies. She wasnt aloud to buy nappies she had to use these cloths that she had to wash by hand after each use. Its power and control.
The father of my children wouldnt let me buy clothes when i was pregnant even though i was working. He had possession of my bank card and pin number. I was only given money to get to work and back. It took me ages to convince him that the baby would be harmed if i couldnt buy looser clothes so he bought me two pairs of leggins for two pound fifty. He had plenty of money for himself to spend on alcahol, cigerettes and porn. Again its about power and control.

[cryingontheinside]