frustrated/worried/unsure - molestation flashback

How do you explain that something your partner does reminds you of being molested when you were a child? My husband thinks it's funny to flash me, and I'm sure to most people it would be funny. It used to not even bother me as much as it seems to now - now that I realized WHY it bothers me. I finally put 2 and 2 together and realized it reminded me of what a family friend molester did to me when I was 8 to 10 years of age. Along with fondling me, lewd comments, etc, he would flash his privates at me, usually before groping me. When my husband was getting ready for bed tonight and was relaxing in his boxers, he flashed me and grinned at me, which should be no big deal. I guess I got a horrible look on my face which made my husband say "How sad! No husband should ever have his wife look at him like that". It really hurt his feelings. I didn't mean to! I have tried to explain to him before that stupid little things can remind me of being molested when I was a kid and that I can't control what reminds me of being molested. He feels like I am rejecting him, that I am not desiring him, but that's not it at all. This just compounds problems in the bedroom that we have already! I am in chronic pain from fibromyalgia, degenerative disc disease, and other issues, I am on multiple medications for pain and other problems, as well as having 2 major abdominal surgeries in the past 3 years, including a radical hysterectomy. I rarely even think about sex anymore! I don't want to lose my husband and my marriage but I don't know how to make him understand when I've never dealt with it. Is not like I love him any less than the day I married him - I love him even more!

I wrote a long post, new thread, but can't find it anywhere. I don't know if it needs to be reviewed before it is published, or if I just messed up somehow and it disappeared. I don't want to post it multiple times though, so I don't know what I should do

Is there any way you can talk to him about it again and maybe ask him to do some reearch on the internet about triggering behaviour for sexual abuse survivors?

Maybe he doesnt understand the ways it affects people, and perhaps he could benefit from educating himself about that, so that it doesnt hurt his feelings in the same way

xxx

It's a difficult situation. There are a couple of things my husband sometimes does which I have only recently realised remind me of an abusive event when I was a child. I haven't ever liked them but until now I could cope with them ok, it was fine and if he enjoyed it then there was no problem. But over the last few months memories of the abuse have started to surface and now I find these things much harder to cope with. I know he wouldn't want to do things that upset me, and there are lots of things we can't do now anyway because my rheumatoid arthritis has made me so creaky so it feels horrible having to mention not liking something.

I have tried to explain a bit a couple of times and he has listened, but I think he doesn't yet understand that I'd rather leave these things for a long time, perhaps always - maybe he thinks it's temporary. Maybe it is, I don't know.

I can understand you feeling worried about this, and I can sympathise with the chronic pain causing problems too. At the moment I'm on fluoxetine which basically stops me feeling randy or excitable at all, but I still really enjoy the closeness and cuddling part of sex.

If you can find a suitable time to chat about things with him, when he is feeling relaxed and you aren't feeling stressed, I think it would be worth doing. I don't think anyone who hasn't experienced csa can really understand on an emotional level, but it should be possible on an intellectual level - especially if you can gently mention one or two examples of some alternatives you and/or he could do instead?

I really feel for you - I know you love him and don't want to hurt him, but you need him to understand how not to worry you as well.


Bluegrey