[nynaeve.almeara]

Hello,
I'm new here. I reached out because I'm stuck in a terrible position. I'm a thousand of kilometers away from my home, studying abroad and I'm living with my now ex-boyfriend. I have a confusing past; I was 14 years old when I was secretly meeting a boy much older than me and he was abusive; he was physically and mentally hurting me and he raped me. I couldn't tell anyone at my home, in my country, it would mean a lot of trouble for me, unexplainable trouble. I went abroad and started getting therapy, four years after it happened and I was happy.
I was with my current boyfriend for two years, we are both students. In the beginning, we had some trouble in our relationship because he was too jealous if I talked to other men. Many times, he accused me of flirting and I really tried to change myself. I stopped having male friends. I remember I used to get angry with him so he told me I should learn to manage my anger. I was already seeing a therapist and I talked to her about it, but she told me I don't really have anger problems; it's because my boyfriend and I aren't compatible. He is a really great guy, he is sweet and caring and we have had some really good times. But quite suddenly, his mood would change, he would become angry if I made something to eat for myself and forgot to ask him, or if I said something silly, which he didn't like; I tried to confront him about his moods but he said it happens because I talk too much and he doesn't get a chance to say anything; he feels like I'm pushing his buttons. So a few times, while we have been arguing, he would push me and hold me down, either against the wall or on the bed until I would ask him to stop. I ignored it in the beginning because apart from these times, he was not aggressive.
Then, just two days ago, we were having an argument and he rushed at me, pushing me so my head banged against the wall and he called me an abusive, derogatory word. I broke up with him immediately, and now he has tried to talk to me but he told me that I'm the one abusing him, which is why he did what he did. He said he is being emotionally abused by him. I am, by this time, terribly confused and my therapist is away for two weeks, and I don't know what to do. We live in shared housing, so I have to constantly see him but I'm looking for jobs so I have enough money to move out. How can I know if I'm abusive, in which case, have I turned a nice, gentle guy into this man, full of hatred because of my own past? Is it a vicious cycle?
I'm sorry for the long post. Please, if anyone can help, I would really like to have some answers.

[kaliope]

it is a vicious cycle but from what you have described, he is the one that is abusive. he has been controlling and demanding of you and becomes angry and reactive when you do not behave as he wants you to. then he turns around and blames his explosive behavior on you. you have done nothing wrong. he makes you think you do things wrong so you feel guilty so he doesn't have to take responsibility and you will stay in the relationship. you are attracting abusive men from some reason. break the cycle and get out. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by nynaeve.almeara

Hello,
He said he is being emotionally abused by him. I am, by this time, terribly confused and my therapist is away for two weeks, and I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry for the long post. Please, if anyone can help, I would really like to have some answers.

I am sorry to tell you this. I think he is being abusive and accusing YOU of being abusive. Many persons who abuse will turn it on US.

I am so sorry. I wish you luck in leaving him. You don't deserve this.

Carol

[Hobbit House]

Stay away from this man, he is abusing and controlling you. Get help, talk to friends about what's going on but do not go back with him. It won't change his behavior and the cycle of him abusing you will continue.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by nynaeve.almeara

I was already seeing a therapist and I talked to her about it, but she told me I don't really have anger problems; it's because my boyfriend and I aren't compatible.

What else did she say? Did she offer you any ideas about coping with him or solving the problem? Did your therapist offer you ANYTHING to deal with your boyfriend issues?

He is a really great guy, he is sweet and caring and we have had some really good times. But quite suddenly, his mood would change, he would become angry if I made something to eat for myself and forgot to ask him, or if I said something silly, which he didn't like;

Now that my self esteem is good, I wouldn't spend another second with someone like that. Did your therapist ever tell you how to handle such an abusive person?

I tried to confront him about his moods but he said it happens because I talk too much and he doesn't get a chance to say anything; he feels like I'm pushing his buttons. So a few times, while we have been arguing, he would push me and hold me down, either against the wall or on the bed until I would ask him to stop. I ignored it in the beginning because apart from these times, he was not aggressive.

Did your therapist ever explain to you how to deal with his abuses?

I am, by this time, terribly confused and my therapist is away for two weeks, and I don't know what to do.

I'd find another therapist who could or would actually help me!

How can I know if I'm abusive, in which case, have I turned a nice, gentle guy into this man, full of hatred because of my own past?

It seems that your therapist has already answered this question: "she told me I don't really have anger problems; it's because my boyfriend and I aren't compatible." so this seems settled, IMO.

Please, if anyone can help, I would really like to have some answers.

I'd stay completely away from an abuser like him and I'd look for a more useful therapist, if I were you.
good luck,
jim

Originally Posted by nynaeve.almeara

...have I turned a nice, gentle guy into this man, full of hatred because of my own past? ...

I still struggle with this myself so this is one of those cases where I really should take my own advice. lol I do understand how you are feeling though.

When you think of the good times do you feel maybe he was a touch smothering? A little too nice?

They learn to hide it. They pretend to be this awesome person when they first meet you because they've learned along the way that most people don't like their usual personality.

Then because they know of your past struggles and self doubt they use it against you.

They get into your head and convince you that it's all your fault after all you admit you have issues. They've never needed therapy so it must be your fault.

Or they're only mean to you so it must be you bringing it out in them. Don't fall for that one either if they aren't treating someone else badly it's only because they haven't suckered that other person in enough to show their true selves.

It's not you. It's him.

[ChildlikeEmpress]

I think *you* are the one being abused from what you've written. Abusers often try to turn it around and blame the person they are abusing, so I am not surprised he is telling you it's your fault.
I hope you are able to get out of there soon -- it must be so difficult to have to live there while you are looking for more work. Stay safe!!

[Bill3]

He assaulted you physically and verbally and then he said that he is not responsible for his actions.

His behavior is abusive.

[AS6855]

Number 1. You are not responsible for other people's actions. EVER.
He sounds controlling, which is a form of abuse (mental/emotional).
Even if you were abusive, which I doubt it given that his behaviour is dominating, it is not an excuse to attack you physically.

[nynaeve.almeara]

I want to thank each and every one of you for responding to my thread. I know it's late but I did not have the courage to check your replies, fearing what the answers would be... I don't want to attract men who do this; I haven't known him for that long. i
I moved to another country just 2 years ago and he was one of the first people I met. I now changed cities because I'm starting a job and the past months since I posted that have been a nightmare. In reply to what my therapist used to say, she never told me what I should do and she agreed that his controlling behavior wasn't right. But I never told her about the shoving and pushing... That is my fault for being to afraid to be told by people that things are not working out...

Unfortunately, it didn't get worse from that one incident but it happened repititively, a shove, a push, some shouting. And the thing is, he never thought he was doing something wrong. He thought he is perfectly entitled because I was the one not listening and he had to make me listen. I am not a naggy person, I know this. I accept my faults, but I don't nag and I try to listen but when the things he would say to me would be so unfair; why am I meeting some friend, why am I coming home so late, why did I not message... I have just felt the need to defend myself by stressing that it's not fair and he is not my father. That is when the pushing and shoving begins, sometimes tossing me on the sofa or the bed, whichever is closer. That scared me all the time. We now have different jobs in different cities and I am exceedingly depressed.

I am sorry for being someone who is so afraid, that she can't face reality.

[Bill3]

I am glad that you posted again. Thanks!

I'm sorry that you are so depressed right now.

Now that you are in a different city from him, what is the status of your relationship with him?

[mimsies]

Originally Posted by nynaeve.almeara

I want to thank each and every one of you for responding to my thread. I know it's late but I did not have the courage to check your replies, fearing what the answers would be... I don't want to attract men who do this; I haven't known him for that long. i
I moved to another country just 2 years ago and he was one of the first people I met. I now changed cities because I'm starting a job and the past months since I posted that have been a nightmare. In reply to what my therapist used to say, she never told me what I should do and she agreed that his controlling behavior wasn't right. But I never told her about the shoving and pushing... That is my fault for being to afraid to be told by people that things are not working out...

Unfortunately, it didn't get worse from that one incident but it happened repititively, a shove, a push, some shouting. And the thing is, he never thought he was doing something wrong. He thought he is perfectly entitled because I was the one not listening and he had to make me listen. I am not a naggy person, I know this. I accept my faults, but I don't nag and I try to listen but when the things he would say to me would be so unfair; why am I meeting some friend, why am I coming home so late, why did I not message... I have just felt the need to defend myself by stressing that it's not fair and he is not my father. That is when the pushing and shoving begins, sometimes tossing me on the sofa or the bed, whichever is closer. That scared me all the time. We now have different jobs in different cities and I am exceedingly depressed.

I am sorry for being someone who is so afraid, that she can't face reality.

I am glad you came back to update people. I am glad you are away from him.

You don't have to be sorry for who you are. You are/were in a scary situation, and it is hard to talk about. It is easy to be understanding of other people when they are in a bad situation, but we so often seem to be SO much harder on ourselves.

Please, please do not go back to him. Ending a relationship is difficult and painful. But you don't deserve the way he treated you. You don't deserve to be blamed for his actions.

Keep working with your therapist, or find a new one if you feel like you need to. Keep coming here, because we are all here to support you.

[nynaeve.almeara]

It's not in a good way. We were living together. I'm thousands of miles away from my home country and things are not so good with my family. My job hasn't started yet and I'm completely broke. I also owe him money, not so much but a little. He is unbelievable. He says now I didn't communicate with him. I have a debt with my insurance already and I can't visit a therapist. I am only a student. I am selling any thing I have just to get a little money, like my mobile. But despite all this, the memory of him pushing me around is so clear. It's like my brain is stuck in a loop, I'm seeing myself from the outside and I hate myself, I can't do anything to stop it. I develop symptoms of low blood pressure and these flashes give me such a bad time breathing, I don't know how to stop this. All my old exercises with my therapist are fading away. And a voice in my head won't stop screaming. A long time ago, when my old boyfriend assaulted me, I felt like this but I left and survived and I was optimistic again. Now I feel like something has died. I don't knoe if I can do this again.

[Bill3]

I can't visit a therapist. I am only a student.

Perhaps you could speak to someone at your school's counseling center?

Keep holding on!

[mommaxo]

i am so glad you posted this thread! I was in a similar situation a year ago.
i couldn't tell if I was the one being abusive, because of all the crap he put in my head. In the beginning of my relationship with my ex partner I had a lot of mental health problems, he would trigger me a lot (do/say things that reminded me of my abusive step father) and i would go in to a rage, and freak out. I went and got help for my issues. tried medication, and counselling. I was going through a lot. At times he was supportive, and other times during our relationship I felt really alone. I never meant to hurt him, I was honestly just really screwed up emotionally. I tried to change my ways, and there came a point in time where I was doing really good. I got a job, started going to counselling weekly, started getting out the house more (I was insanely depressed and anxious back then) and thats when He started hitting me. Because of my past behaviour, I almost felt like I deserved it. So I stayed. He started accusing me of cheating on him, flirting, and when he drank he would take out all his anger out on me. He would tell me I was going to die alone, and no one would want to put up with me, and no one would believe me if i told them he hit me because i was "crazy" I started actually believing his bullcrap. and that's when my depression got worse. I dealt with everything I was going through emotionally by drinking. I wasn't able to really talk to anyone about it. But now that I'm out of that relationship. I can see that he was no saint. He was also extremely abusive towards the end of our relationship. He used my past mistakes/behaviour as an excuse to treat me like crap and beat me later on in the relationship. I'm glad you are out of that relationship. I was stuck living with him as well. I felt trapped. I had never lived on my own before, and I felt so unsure of myself. he was working throughout most of our relationship, and I was on social assistance, at home. My mental health worsened over time. I didn't know my way around the city, and most of my friends were his friends. The cops had to be involved to end our relationship. I ended up being the one who gotcharged. As stressful as having to go to trial is going to be. I am in a way sort of thankful that things happened the way it did. because if he didn't call the police, and I wasn't forced to leave him and stay away from him. I would probably still be miserable living with him.