[Christina86]

I didnt wanna talk about it but I did.

First time ever with anyone. Such a good T who tried to be helpful but it still hurts too much. Feel like I should have kept my mouth shut.

It only happened once ... he says once too many. I feel it was my fault, he says it wasn't. He says that its good that I talked about it and all I do is hurt. He wants to refer me to someone else to help deal with it after he's gone ... but I dont know if I can. Seems like a waste to refer me to a therapist to deal with trauma when it only happened once and it wasn't that bad (as I try to convince myself). I just want to forget. Please just let me forget. Why wont the thoughts end Why cant I just forget. It happened so many years ago and I was so good at not talking about it at all and dealing with it whenever I remembered - why did it have to come up NOW. I dont like people touching my legs or stomach/chest area. Not such a shocking thing. It wasnt rape it wasnt sex it wasnt anything like that. why wont my body and mind let me get over it already.

All the guy did was touch me. It was my fault. It will always be my fault. I shouldnt have enjoyed it at all. Bad bad bad Christina

Never should have said anything to T. Should have said something to HIM when he did that to me. Why didnt I do anything.

addendum because i cant stop writing now...

T asked me to stay with my emotions. Stay with the situation. Describe how I was feeling. Describe what happened. Tell him how I feel when saying all this and it was too much. He tried to be good though. He didnt ask many specific questions didnt tell me that I HAD to answer his questions. I couldnt I dont want to remember. Trying so hard to block thoughts block emotions and it just didnt work. Dissociating not staying in the room with T wanted so much to not be there. Run run away. Why didnt I tell HIM to stop, why didnt I tell T to stop pushing.

Scary questions. Too hard to answer. I'm bad I'm sorry I'm so so sorry.

i admire your courage
no one ever says that its easy and its good to have a T that can understand at least a lil of how painful it must be..
hope that you can stick with it and work thru the trauma and come out of the pain a live a wonderful happy life...

[Christina86]

thanks (((((bronee)))))))

[Soidhonia]

Hello Canders.
I am very sorry that you are going through all of these emotional issues at this time. It is very courageous to talk about the pain that you have endured with a therapist. Talking helps to ease the pain and the therapist can help you to deal with the issues you are having in a more positive manner. Take care. I hope things get better for you soon. PM anytime. Soidhonia

[Christina86]

Thanks ((((((((Soidhonia))))))))))

[katheryn]

(((((((((((((((((((canders))))))))))))))))
you were very brave to try and discuss this with your t, hope you find the strengh to forgive your self as it wasnt your fault
(((((((((((((((((((canders))))))))))))))))

[sabby]

(((((((Canders)))))))))

You took the most difficult first step to reconciling this difficult experience. I'm in awe of the strength you had to do this.

I pray that when you can work through this time and all the conflicting feelings and thoughts that you will know that YOU are NOT bad, in no way shape or form. On the contrary, you are a wonderful person who had something rotten happen to you.

Sending you warm, comforting vibes for peace and healing.

*Gentle Hugs*
J

[Christina86]

thanks ((((((((((((katheryn)))))))))) but I dunno if I'll ever believe it wasn't my fault. I'll try though

[Christina86]

Thanks (((((((((Jean/sabau)))))))))))

Thanks for the good vibes. I need them *sigh*

[sujunew]

((((((((((canders))))))))))
I don't know what to say. What you have written is just so close to what I am going through RIGHT now, and it is a truly scary, black place. All I can do is send you as many safe, HUGE hugs as possible and say that I care and I know what you are going through and stay as safe as you can...
xxx irish xxx

(((((((((((((((canders)))))))))))))))))

with you sweetie, struggling through myself, but i know it wasn't my fault, the abusers are the sick ones. please please believe that. please dont blame yourself, i used to, but not any more sweetie. say it all the time to yourself - not my fault not my fault. you will believe it like i did in the end.

love ya sending hugs and hugs and hugs jinnyxoxoxoxox

[Christina86]

((((((((irishsj))))))))))))

thanks

Nice to see you btw.

[Christina86]

(((((((jinnyann))))))))))

I'll try, I'll really really try.

thanks

[biiv]

canders i feel your post here so much. im in awe you had the strength to bring it up. big kudos to you for that one!
for me it was only once too and i feel exactly as you do. its nothing. it should just be forgotten. im stupid and sick. all i can say to you is that now you ve managed to get this out and you re working through the intense pain of that these feelings will go away! they will dissipate with time and energy and you will be, if not able to forget, to leave behind.
let your T help you with this. you are so strong and i have such admiration for you. i understand your vulnerability now though so please try to trust your T will be there for you. as are we all here.

[Christina86]

thanks (((((((((biiv))))))))) I wish the feelings and thoughts would leave already... I really am pathetic.

[bipolar_bear]

Pathetic??? You are a strong brave person. Do you realize how much strregth it took to tell someone? A tremendous amount.

Please don't minimize what happened to you. Abuse is abuse. I hope you learn to validate your feelings. I hope you let yourself heal. You deserve to heal. You deserve to feel better. And you didn't deserve what happened to you.

Please take care.

[Christina86]

thanks? yes, thanks.

((((((((((bipolar_bear)))))))))))

[bipolar_bear]

Sorry if I came across a little strong. I just hate to see you hurting so much. Pease take care.

[Christina86]

Sometimes I need a good kick. hehe

Thanks ((((((((bp))))))))))) I'll try.

[January]

(((((((( Christina ))))))))

Abuse us never, ever the victim's fault. Never!!!!

I'm very proud of you for speaking.

Hugs,

Jan

[Christina86]

Okay Jan.

((((((((((January))))))))))))

[biiv]

oh canders. you are soooooooo not pathetic. i wish i could take this pain and confusion away for you. for both of us.

[Christina86]

thanks for the reinforcement ((((((((((biiv))))))))))

[Christina86]

I went and talked to someone else today, my T's supervisor. (my T is graduating and "becoming" one in April)

That was so much harder, since I know him a bit better (he's the chaplain of my university). He's very blunt, but in a nice way. He really tries to be sympathetic. I still hurt. I feel crummy, I didn't go out much on the weekend even when I had plans. I just want to sulk in bed and avoid the world for a very long time. I was told to take my time processing, and there will be people here to listen to me when I want it ... still hurts.

And my T might not be seeing me for the next two weeks, and then only one session after that until he's gone for good.