i believe ive figured it out...well almost

my dad...from what ive been able to determine...wanted us his 2 children...the female who "hatched" -her word- us, was i believe jealous of his love for us...she could not take out her hatred/jealousy on him - he died when i was 6 yrs old - so that left us along with her other 5 children...they unknowingly joined her in what turned out to be a life long torment including belittling comments, name calling, dirty looks, physical abuse and basically anything that could or would make us, particularly me his first, feel unwanted, undeserving and very much an outcast in the family. worse of all is now, that we are all older, they continue the treatment embedded in them all those years ago. peculiar to that is they have told me i never did call them names and the like. i told them i did not want to hurt them. even now, given the chance, which is not often and very unlikely in my future, they would continue this learned behavior. i am a firm believer that learned behavior can be unlearned, if you recognize it and want to change it. hence, the reason they will not be seeing me again. i actually feel bad for them having all that negativity inside all these years. and because they have not taken a look at this aspect of their lives. guess im not worth it at least to them. i value myself enough not to expose myself to anymore of that hatred. also the fact that i have enough mental disorder and emotional stress that will last me my lifetime. truly unfortunate because i could really use a family. even though they recognized it before i believe i have been, at least ive tried to be, family and friend to them through all these years. however, this has become the time, if not now - when, for me to care for myself the best i can

every cinderella has a happy ending

(((((lovelyst)))))