I Think I Figured It Out

Well, these are some thoughts I have had for a very long time and I think that I have come to the conclusion that this is the reason I do not want to seek professional help. I don't want to go get professional help because for the breif time that I tried it before it worked too well. What I mean by this is that when I started taking Paxil and Prozac (Different times mind you) they worked. The thing is that when they worked I seemed to lose my creative side of me such as good writing, writing music, and most importantly thinking constantly. I felt as if I had lost a huge portion of myself that I had only when depressed and it was a scary thought and that's why I told my paren'ts "These drugs don't work, I don't want to take drugs anymore" because they work so well.

I'm freaked out at the thought of being set free from depression because it feels like I am going to loose who I am and what I stand for.
Basically if I ever get out of depression I am worried I will become the thing I hate, a happy go lucky, "I never ever have a problem in my life" fruitcake. It scares the crap our of me. I might loose lots of attributes I like about myself, such as how honest and up front I am. Bluntness if for sure my best quality and I feel like I'd loose that and all those other things.

For example, when I have a day of absolute fun and feel so signs of depression whatever. When I get home that night I sit in my room and start freaking out thinking "Holy crap, Holy freaking Crap, why was I not thinking today!? Oh My goodness" and then try to get myself feeling depressed and crappy by slapping on some Radiohead or Our Lady Peace. Music is my trigger for feeling like crap btw. Anyway hope you guys understand why I don't want to get any form of help. I want to stay depressed I believe.

Ian

Death Calls Us All, How Long We Prolong It Is Our Choice

ok, WEll I sorta understand the not wanting to take "drugs" yes they can alter our outward person. but then again, how do you truly know what you were like before you were deperssed. We are not meant to stay that way all the time. .

Being deperssed is a lack of a chemical in the brain, Certian drugs can enhance the outflow of that drug, and also can let you keep the creative side you are so worreid about lossing..
I know I hated the fact that I may become happier, for I had never been fully happy.. But you know, I like having some happines in my life now..

Since you do not want help, may I ask why, you do not just go and talk to somoene aobut the deperssion???
Is there a reason you do not want to do that either or did you fiqure since the drugs did not work, talking would not work either??

Just concerd is all ok.
Peace OUT

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

Foolish,
I'll be honest and say that I had decided not to reply to any of your posts but after reading this one I want to.
I understand how you feel about taking anti depressants. I want to share my experience with you.
I am currently taking Paxil which I fought taking for a long time. "I can do this on my own". Finally after being so tired of being so tired and tired of seriously considering killing myself I tried it and I am glad I did.

It does has it's draw backs but I will say that after the initial adjustment period I was thinking MORE clearly. I was able to think things thru and make decisions based on rational thought and my real feelings not thoughts or feelings caused by depression. If I got mad or upset it wasn't because I was in a [censored] mood or inbalanced but now when I get mad I have control and I feel what I feel for a reason. Make any sense? Depression can make people lash out when they don't mean to and make you over react to things. IT can make you blow things out of purportion.

I haven't lost my creative side and I am more able to use those gifts because I feel better and more motivated. I haven't lost my bluntness or honesty and am able to express it better. I am NOT happy go lucky. I never have been that way but stable and just ok. I am able to enjoy laughs and things like I used to when I am given the opportunity.

Maybe you wnat to stay depressed because it's the only way you know. It's how you feel comfortable. In time you could learn a better, happier way of life and get used to that. I am not by any means saying I am cured. A pill is not magic. I ahve to work on things in my life that are causing the depression. Being on the meds helps me to focus and be able to see things better and I am more motivated to make the changes I need to. I still think about wanting to die but I don't plan out my death anymore.

Hope this helps. Just wanted to give you another perspective.
Heidu

There is a time in life when you stop existing and start living.
There is a time in life when you are given a new chance and new dreams.
There is a time in life when the old is to be forgotten and the new embraced.

There is a time in life......And that time is now.
Unknown

Ian,

Those are some good observations. I guess I'm in the same place at least a little bit. My T has decided that I need to be on prescription medication. I really don't like that idea, and I do have a choice about it - nobody's going to force me (although I'm concerned about what the doctor might say or do - I have an appointment tomorrow ). Most people don't understand why I don't want to be medicated. I've always said that my concerns were side effects and cost, as well as not wanting to be dependent on meds for the rest of my life, which is what they are telling me it would probably be. I want to have control of it myself, and prescriptions are something I can't control. One reason why I want to control it myself is that I don't know if I can stand for the depression to entirely go away. I don't have much confidence that the drugs would even work, but I'm also afraid that it would work too well.

Two weeks ago I hit another low point. I was at 66 on the Goldberg scale (the depression quiz on this site). Sometimes I have wondered if I exaggerate my responses on that and come out with a higher score than would really be right, but this time I know I didn't. I've actually been trying to talk myself into the lowest responses possible. I was afraid to tell my T I was using a self-diagnosis tool, but I did, and he was concerned about me scoring that high, even though it was going down within a couple of days (a few days around 50, then most of the next week in the low 40's). I knew that was bad - I spent most of that one day as a crumpled heap on the floor, which is really not a good sign. I don't like being that bad - it is really miserable and I'm not creative then either, in fact I can't do anything at all. In the 50's on the scale I manage to do things but it's really hard. The 40's are almost tolerable. Today I'm at 31, which is about where I usually am. I'm okay at this point - I can do things, I don't particularly want to die, but don't have any fear of death either, I feel in touch with feeling, not numb or unrealistically happy - I feel like myself. The only time I can remember feeling significantly better was after my initial evaluation with my current T. He's good, and whatever it was, feeling like I was understood for once or something, the clouds lifted completly and I felt good, unqualified good - that lasted for three days, and I did like it, but I don't know if I could stand to be like that all the time. The way I am is the way I am. I want to be able to function, to do the things I need to do. I don't want to be sitting around wishing I could die, but I want to be me. I don't know who I would be on meds.

Ian, consider how creative you are when you get really bad. My guess is probably at the extreme end you don't get much done. Do you like being that bad? Are you more comfortable somewhere in the middle like me? Maybe you could work on being just a little bit better. I don't know if the professionals would go for that as a goal or not. I think I'll write to my T about this and see if he has anything to say about it - that should be interesting. Anyway, I think this was a very intelligent observation you have made, and insightful. Thanks for sharing it.

Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

Thanks for all the replies first of all they were all of great length and insight, I enjoyed them.

Well. I thought I'd respond to Rapunzel's because Lady Dragnus and Heidu I already talked to or responded to them in PM.

The test on this site I have taken before and scored very high as well, although I have never used it more than once but I think that if I did I'd subconsciously rig the test so that I'd get a high score just so that I could say "Yea.. wow I am messed up guys, I got a 78". I don;t think doing that test over and over is very accurate but that's just my opinion.

"Ian, consider how creative you are when you get really bad. My guess is probably at the extreme end you don't get much done."

I beg to differ on this one actually. When I am at my lowest point I often am not in control of my body or mind. So what generally happens is I start writting things down without thinking about what I am saying and I can't stop. It's as if I am possessed for those few hours that it happens.

Sometimes can be really quite freaky and others very awesome because I write things that I read the next day that I'm like "Wow, that is powerful". You are right in the sense that I don't anything done in the real world like washing dishes or laundry or going to the store, etc. But I do get creative things done and write some pretty amazing stuff. Also I get high off my emotions I think. I like the feeling of mental pain that turns physical and so when my I at my ultimate low my mind is racing and brings on many emotions related to different subjects. So I experience extreme highs and lows of things like pain and love. It's incredible, I wonder why I am addicted to it though.

Ian

Death Calls Us All, How Long We Prolong It Is Our Choice

Foolish, I understand how you and others feel about medications. As a nurse I have seen medications alone and with therapy do WONDERFUL things for some ppl. Ppl who cannot move or function become wonderful giving parts of the community. I have also seen soem awsome things with therapy alone IF you can find the therapist for you......
Unfortunatly I have been unable to find the correct medications, pdoc, treatment or therapist for me, myself and I so I sit here in even of all those who have recieved the above help.

Maybe I can join a drug free depressed club somewheres?!?!?

I would just like to say that antidepressants do not change anyone into a "blissed-out cultist" (unless they had those tendencies prior to the depression); the best that you can hope for is euthymia (if you are lucky). A person who is not depressed will not have any response to antidepressants, apart from side effects normally associated with said antidepressant.

The only scenario that I can think of that would result in a person's behavior improving more than euthymia after being treated with an antidepressant would be when a manic switch occurs person who has undiagnosed bipolar disorder.

As for losing creativity from remission of depressvie symptoms is very odd. In studies of famous people who suffer(ed) from bipolar disorder (eg. F. Schubert, A. Tennyson, T. Turner, etc.) the vast majority of their most impressive creations occurred while the person was in the manic phase. For instance, Schubert would not write music for over a year while depressed, but in a year when he was on a manic jag he wrote ten to twenty compositions.

For me anyway , hiding under covers and not wanting to face life isn't when I do my best thinking (sorta like of late).

BTW Foolish - who was your doc? (just initials, and area - NSEW - of the city) I probably know him/her. I'd be better able to tell you if you received adequate treatment. I may be able to suggest a therapist in your town, as well.

Just some thoughts. - Cam

To fully understand a concept is to be unable to describe it verbal, only feel it emotionally.

I recieved treatment at the Foothills hospital in Calgary because at the time I was still at home. I forget his name but it for sure starts with a "W" and goes something like "Wilkenson" or something. Anyway thanks for your post. Is the manic state between depressed and not depressed? I wanted to just clarify that I did loose my creative side no matter what state I went to it wasn't good.

Ian

Death Calls Us All, How Long We Prolong It Is Our Choice

Ian, What are you doing to yourself?
Do you know how many people in the Universe would die for a day or a moment of sanity. without the medications they've been on for years. to be able to speak or think the way they usto. just to be themselves for just one moment. I love to sing, dance, write poetry,lyrics, socialize, and communicate with the outside world.... all of that has been taken away from me. and now I live day by day trying to memorize something I usto have and wish I could have for just one moment.................
Maybe you should try and see a diffrent doc.you maybe manic...
conserned as a friend.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Duchess~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ABOUT THE NINTH HOUR JESUS CRIED OUT IN A LOAD VOICE, "ELOI,ELOI, LAMA SABACHTHANI?"~WHICH MEANS~"MY GOD, MY GOD,WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?"
~MATTHEW27:46.
MY GOD,MY GOD WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?WHY ARE YOU SO FAR FROM SAVING ME,SO FAR FROM THE WORDS OF MY GROANING?~ PSALM 22:1