I finally figured myself out.

I've never been good with relationships of any kind and for the longest time I couldn't understand what it was. I now know and it was so simple I'm kind of upset with myself for not seeing it sooner.
I hold a lot of anger and resentment inside of me. People can't get near me with all that seething out of me. I guess it's what I want-to keep them away- because it's safer that way.
But I don't want to be angry and resentful anymore. I'm trying to let that go. I'm working on forgiveness but it's not an easy thing to do. But I have to in order to help myself and to move forward. Otherwise, I'll stay stuck here.
Anybody know anything about learning to forgive? I'm reading a couple of books about it. I just thought someone else may be working on this too and than we could give each other help, ideas and encouragement.

Hey Jax,
I've thought before that you seem quite a lot like me (poor you ...)... I do think that is at least partly why most of my relationships that went wrong did so :.... certain things trigger me.... I'm sure you know what I mean and then I regret what has happened when its too late (sigh). ....although there is always the "other person" and their issues too, don't put all the "blame" on yourself....and I've found that continually beating myself up doesn't help forward progress, quite the opposite

I'm not sure I can give you good advice re. learning to forgive although I'm also working on this.....I haven't completely forgiven my parents (for example) although I'm further along the road than I was.....

I'll get back to you,

Take care,
Fuzzy

Everyone have experience to a certain degree for not being able to forgive and holding in anger and resentment.

What are some of the ways you've already tried to let go this part of your past and maybe didn't work out? Have you tried getting in new relationships one right after another? Have you in turn taking it out on yourself instead?

When I was going through a very tough time, I made a choice for myself that it was healthier for me to stay single for awhile before I get into another relationship. I didn't want to bring anyone new in my life until I was able to figure things out on my own. This tough time I was going through had to deal with my health, family, friendships and where I wanted to go in life. Having the support for family and friends would be a great support system.

The most important thing you could for yourself is finding out the new you because maybe the person who you were in the past is the one is holding you back. Take the time out and figure out the things you do like about yourself and maybe find out things you want to learn more about and enjoy doing in the future.

Dont expect yourself to let go in a blink of an eye. Don't set yourself up that way because its not possible. Be easy on yourself and be flexable because there will be times that you will find yourself thinking about your past.

Take time out for yourself and find a healthy support system so that you have someone trustworthy enough to be there for you.

One step, one breathe at a time

Hi Fuzz,
I would take your saying my being like you as a compliment because you are soooo loveable!!! Although, you probably don't think so... but you are.

I know what you mean about the triggers. I'm so convinced I'm such a horrible person that anything a person does- even if it's totally non related to me-that even remotely suggests that I am a bad person, I go into my shell and set out the spikes. My defenses go into overdrive and I think, no, I KNOW I confuse the heck out of people when I do that. No wonder I can't maintain a relationship.
It's okay about not being able to give advice, I appreciate your support. I know it's difficult to give directions to someone when you, yourself are lost. (((((Fuzzybear)))))
Hi Jenn1fer82,
I have tried letting it go by "disowning" it but that's not working out too well. It's extremely hard to disown an old sick mother who's still so guile and immature that you can't even blame her for her actions. GRRRR! And if I can't let go of her then the rest of it isn't going too far either because they're all attached to her. I do take it out on myself. I blame me for everything-as Fuzzy said but I'm really getting tired of beating myself up. I don't even believe myself anymore when I put myself down. I overdid the "I hate me" and the "I hate you" routine and now I feel the road is begging me to take a whole new direction.
Forgiveness.
I know I can't do it in a blink of an eye but I wish I could so I could be rid of this God awful anger-it's terrible and so ugly. I don't like myself when I get angry. I'll try to be easy on myself and flexible. I will take it one step at a time and hope I'm headed in the right direction.
Thank you Jenn1fer82 for your advice. I appreciate it. ((((Jenn1fer82))))))

Good for you for wanting to work on yourself so you can have happier, healthier relationships (even with yourself!). It is a long road you are embarking on, but it is soooooo worth the effort and time.

I think the most important thing I realized over the years was that holding anger for so long against someone was so counter-productive to living life. It can consume a person to a point where nothing else is thought about.

What I finally did that helped me, and it may help you or anyone else struggling with this issue, was to realize that even though I was hurt, I'm angry, etc. there was a lesson to be learned from the experience. For every lesson learned, we choose to either make it a negative lesson, or we can make it a positive lesson. As soon as I made the lessons, positive in nature, I found the anger and frustration and hurt would melt away.

As an example: My first husband was physically and verbally abusive towards me. Now, I could take all that time that we spent together and say I wasted it and be angry and resentful, or I could take the lessons that the time taught me and turn it to a positive - From now on, I will watch for the signs of abusiveness from an individual and I will CHOOSE not to allow myself into that kind of relationship again.

By doing this, I allowed myself to feel the pain, anger and hurt, but I didn't allow myself to close myself off from other possible relationships. And, I can say that I have been able to forgive my ex for his transgressions towards me. It doesn't mean I have forgotten what he did, just that I can live with the memories without being upset anymore. I don't own his abuse, he owns it. I have nothing more to feel angry or resentful about.

I wish you all the success in the world Jax!

Hugssssssss
Jean

Hi Jean,
That's a good way of looking at it. Especially the "I don't own his abuse, he does." I like that.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this with me.
Hugs

((( Jax )))

One thing I've always admired about you is your determination to heal and move forward.

I can relate to many, many of the ideas in this thread. Absolute forgiveness surely is challenging. I feel stuck in pain from things that happened in 2003. I, too, have decided not to have another intimate relationship in my life. Maybe not ever.

So I can say "I forgive" but have I really, if this is the life sentence I've given myself?

How does a person know when one has forgiven? And healed?

{{{{Wants2Fly}}}}

You are so right about absolute forgiveness being challenging! It took me years to forgive my ex. Something I didn't mention in the other post was at the same time, I had to learn to forgive MYSELF too. That plays a huge role in forgiveness to another individual. No matter what transgression another idividual has done against us, don't we, as victims feel guilty to some degree? Don't we feel anger towards ourselves for "letting it happen"? (not just towards the transgressor?) Maybe not always, but in my situations, I know I have.

Once I forgave myself, and gave up the role of victim, took charge of ME and realized I cannot control what other individuals think and do, only myself, then I was able to forgive myself and the transgressor. Does that all makes sense??

You asked, "How does a person know when one has foregiven? And healed?" Those are great questions. I'm sure it's different for everyone. In my experience, the day I woke up and wasn't "all consumed" by my hatred and anger over the abuse was the first day of starting to forgive. I also did a lot of praying and asking for strength, that helped a lot. I know not everyone is into that, so it's definitely a personal choice.

IMO, we all have the power to change. We all have the power to take back control of our lives. We all have the power to realize that we can only control what we do, not what others do. Some of us need more help than others to take control, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Reaching out for help is a way of taking control

I wish you all peace!

Hugssssss
Jean

Forgiveness is only as hard as you make it.
You have to remember that everyone will make mistakes, some greater than others. Even you will make mistakes and hurt people. If someone asks you to forgive them, put yourself in their shoes. You would want to be forgiven, wouldn't you?
You can't change what has happened in the past, you can only learn from things and hope that the future will be better.
Don't dwell on things you can't change.