[mtd]

The abuse. It left me afraid. I didn't understand how much until so many years later when I wept for the first time.

It left me hollow. I didn't know who I really was, and only now feel like I can get to know my own soul.

It left me angry. I still don't know how to get it all out.

It left me isolated -- it felt safer there. Now it just feels lonely. When I come to die, I don't want to feel alone. It's been hard to get people to understand this, why the journey of recovery has brought me here. I feel like life has left me behind. Like this whole struggle to survive has taken so long, I've missed so much while hiding from life. I can't get that back, I know. I look at other people, those in love, and I am so desperately jealous. Do I really have to be alone? I used to hug with one arm. It was over faster that way and I could return to my safe self.

Now I really want to use both arms. There just doesn't seem to be anyone here and I never figured out how to find someone to hug. I feel like an awkward kid at a school dance. Only the corner feels safe, but God I want the strength to get out of it. The few times I've tried, it's been such a disaster.

I dont' think I have a question tonight. This is just how I feel when I'm being honest with myself.

mtd

[Hopefull]

It sounds like your feelings are gushing out of you. That is one way to get some of it out. I hope that you reach a point when you can hug people with both arms and enjoy it rather than fear it. Keep working on it!

((((((((mtd)))))))))))

i feel alone too even when there are so many ppl around
and i dont want to be alone so i know that fear too

keep strong

[RACEKA]

I know exactly how you feel. I'm afraid to leave my house. It's a cruel world out there. I've been crying for 3 days now. My T has been pushing me to make relationships. He asked me on Saturday if I was getting tired of hearing that. I told him I felt he was trying to push me out. He said he wasn't pushing me out, but my counseling will end some time. I can't cope with that right now. He is all I have right now. I don't even know how to tell him how bad that upset me. I don't want him to think he said something to upset me. We really have a great relationship. I don't want it to be over.

mtd-- I think it's an important thing to see how the hurtful past has contributed in forming one's life thus far.
I am now just realizing such things as well, like feeling hollow and afraid of people/relationships..... I even have found my body has been affected in ways I never realized. It's astounding to me just how much my traumatic childhood has shaped my adult life.

We are left with many things we would rather not have-- but, we also have our future-- that maybe we can steer towards a healing direction.... which is different for each and everyone of us.

When I used to be in therapy I often told the psychologist that I feel as if we're doing a dance but I'm hearing totally different music reacting with different steps than the therapist is..... "awkward" is the way I described it.... and also defensive. It's very hard-- I understand.

If you want to practice with conversing, you are welcome to PM me anytime.

all the best to you mtd--

mandy

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( mtd )))))))))))))))