[rr13]

I'm a 48 year old female and have extremely low self esteem and self worth. From the time I was 8 or 9 thru my 30's my dad constantly called me a stupid moron, said I wasn't worth anything, I'll never amount to anything. He abused my mom this way as well and still does to this day, so she's just as insecure. I remember coming to her in tears as a child after my dad had yelled at me and called me names, and all my mom said was, oh he didn't mean it. She never hugged me or tried to make me feel better. Neither of my parents ever showed any affection either. I've never gotten many hugs from my mom, no hugs ever from my dad, they've never once said they were proud of me or that they loved me.

Most of the men in my life have also made me feel bad about myself and I've never really been able to have relationships. I feel like the typical wounded girl constantly searching for her father figure and for someone to show they care. I'm tired of basing my self worth on how other men treat me. I'm always chasing after attention from men who don't give the same attention back. So that makes me feel bad about myself too, that I'm being so desperate.

I've never been in therapy because I could never afford it, and I feel like I'll die old and alone and have never felt loved.

[CANDC]

Hi rr13. I am so sorry for what you endured and experienced abuse as a child. No one should have to go through it. But it sounds like you are a survivor and aiming to deal with it. But it is hard without a therapist and guide. Therapy is covered by most medical insurance, medicaid, and affordable care act insurance.

you said

I'm tired of basing my self worth on how other men treat me. I'm always chasing after attention from men who don't give the same attention back.

This is so common in survivors of abuse. The same indifferent person seems to be someone that people gravitate towards as if they were hoping to change the past, which can never be done.

I too have felt a lack of self esteem and trust. Psych Central has many more compassionate people than the world in general, or at least it seems that way to me.

I never felt loved until I started caring about others more or at least as much as myself. I bet there are others on the forum survivors of abuse or self esteem that are asking questions you could answer. It is surprising how much love I felt when I started trying to be there for other people. You can lose nothing by trying and you just may find that the love you are seeking is here all the while, hiding in the cries of a person looking for compassion and caring.

[ladytiger]

I was abused by parents and mostly men emotionally you think because my mom was the main abuser you think women would be the issue. One ex friend a woman was emotionally abusive towards me just like my narc parents.

[rr13]

I think the abuse in general can hurt us no matter if it's a woman or a man. I think if it's a man, that can cause more problems trying to have relationships, but overall, words are words no matter who says them. They still hurt.

[Purple Heart]

Hi rr13

I'm a man and read your posting. I'm sorry the men in your life have been horrible to you. But I hope you can realise that there are good men out there that treat women well. I had a similar childhood to you but I had the reverse problem - I was severely abused by women in my childhood with my mother being the ring leader. So I have issues with intimacy with women as a result. Women can be just as abusive as men. I hope you can get therapy to resolve your past.

PH

[nicoleflynn]

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life after 31 years of verbal (some physical) abuse. I grew up abused, molested and in poverty. Quite frequently, when we experience abuse as a child, we will accept it when we become adults.

Another excellent book is Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. I hope you will find a way to get into therapy.

[rr13]

Thank you, I'll check out those books.