[Big Mama]

I am using this site at this moment, like I have in the past as a record of my healing. I hope something here helps someone else who may be in a similar situation.

I live with a verbally abusive man and have for 21 years. I no longer have the words to express how I feel. I know deep down how I feel but I cannot seem to express them. After finding this book, my feeling have words supplied by someone else. It gives me hope because now I can say the words, I can hear the words I say, and I can write them and see the words I feel. That gives me hope. Hope that I can be heard and that what I feel is real.

I hope none of you out there are having to go threw what I am going threw, but I fear there are others like me. I hope this helps you some how to.

"I feel lonely with him. I am filled with dread when I think of him."

"It is hard to accept that I am the kind of person who has allowed this to continue. What is it about me?"

"I have married a man I have grown to hate and I am afraid to leave"

"I am walking on egg shells & sweeping hurts under the rug. I am only relaxed when he is not here. That is when the tension lifts like a fog."

"I was confused because I thought if I could detach from him I could still be with him. This seems to intensify his anger."

"It is a fact that I am so exhausted from the stress & strain of this relationship that I can hardly think. I don't have the energy to leave & to fight the fight I know would be ahead."

"I feel frustrated, helpless, defenseless, angry, frightened, crazy, indecisive, and frozen."

"I now realize how well conditioned I am to his voice. When he calls my name I involuntarily shudder. Most of the time if is for good reasons that he calls me, but the memory of the bad ones is so strongly embedded that I shudder at his voice."

"My motto is "Peace at any Price", I have lost so much of my identity."

"I could not imagine anything I could say is acceptable or understandable. Something is wrong with every sentence from my mouth. I spend hours trying to figure out how to say things right, and yet it is never right."

"I nee to be validated. I feel ashamed and angry that he controlled and fooled me. He never apologizes and he never thinks he is wrong."

[MistressStayc]

From a woman who has been there and gotten out....though I know why you stay...I think you are amazing, smart, strong, compassionate and a beautiful person Mama. One day you will find the extra needed strength to leave. You deserve so much happiness, it brings tears to my eyes.

[Big Mama]

Thank you Stacy. That is all I can say. Thank you. It means alot to have someone believe in me even just a little.

[nicoleflynn]

After 31 years of verbal abuse, i found the book which saved my life: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. I think it should be read by everyone on the planet.

Remember that verbal abusers are excruciatingly insecure; they will do and say anything to keep you with them. Yes, it is a journey to freedom, but with knowledge you can escape. Counseling by yourself.....can help. Trust your feelings. Abuse is literally brainwashing; that is why it is so confusing What he is saying is NOT about you, but about himself....he dislikes/hates himself and takes it out on you.

The one sentence that helped me immensely; Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself.....win."

Something else that helps. STOP trying to explain yourself; he doesn't care what you think or feel. Confine conversation if necessary to mundane things. They are emotional vampires and constantly need their fix...their fix is YOU continually trying to explain yourself. He can'ta rgue with you if you refuse to have a conversation....oh, he can keep talking, but you don't have to respond. If you try to understand his insanity, then you will become crazy in your head. I know....I did that for 31 years. Put the blame and shame where it belongs....on the abuser.

[Big Mama]

Thank You Nichole. I forgot to mention the book I am reading. The Verbally Abusive Relationship, how about that. It sounds like it is making a huge impact on my life just like it did yours.

You are so right, I need to STOP explaining myself, that just feeds into his power. And another thing, you are right, I will make me crazy trying to understand HIS insanity.

Exactly Abuse is brainwashing, that is why it is so confusing.

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. It means so much to me that I am worth someones time. Thank you again for all your insight.

[nicoleflynn]

Hi, sweetie and you are SO welcome!

I presented my paper, Societys Hidden Pandemic, Verbal Abuse,Precursor to Physical Violence and a Form of Biochemical Assault at the Michigan Counseling Association. If you would like a copy, i would be happy to send it.

Another excellent resource is Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud.

Hugs and Love, Nicole

QUOTE=Big Mama;4483369]Thank You Nichole. I forgot to mention the book I am reading. The Verbally Abusive Relationship, how about that. It sounds like it is making a huge impact on my life just like it did yours.

You are so right, I need to STOP explaining myself, that just feeds into his power. And another thing, you are right, I will make me crazy trying to understand HIS insanity.

Exactly Abuse is brainwashing, that is why it is so confusing.

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. It means so much to me that I am worth someones time. Thank you again for all your insight.[/QUOTE]

[Big Mama]

Nichole, I would love to see what you have written. You can send a link for me and others here to read or if you would rather keep it not so public you can send it to me in a PM. But DEFINITELY send it. I want to read it.

[Open Eyes]

Many, if not most verbal or even physical abusers are the way they are because they struggle with control, they get upset/frightened/angry when they don't feel a sense of control. These individuals never learned to be "flexible", but instead carry a heavy internal load of "stressing" and not knowing what to do about that stress.

When you have the reactions you struggle with that you have discribed, that is actually what "he" feels inside that "you" unknowingly absorb. Women instinctively know to cower because they realize that when they stop this individual's way of releasing pent up stress, it makes them even worse. This is what develops into a codependent relationship. The sad part about this is it is due to how these men never learned what to do with their stress, they are often just told to "man up" instead. So, what they slowly begin to do is express a "negative action", either that or they try to burn it off by doing something to have some kind of perfect look or brings a visual result of something being "under control". That is why many men are good at tinkering with cars/engines and doing construction or go hunting or go shoot guns at target practice, or get involved with sports even. They are not designed very well to nurture, but to instead "take action", that is what they had to do in order for us to survive as a species. Also, what typically comes more natural to them when it comes to children, especially sons, is doing an activity with that son as that is what brings males a sense of "control".

I bet you can list all his negative actions/verbal abuses, each one of those is his way of taking an action so he can gain a sense of "control". So what this means is this is what he unknowing learned for HIM, to fill HIS NEED and unfortunately it has been very unhealthy for you, the nurturer because your mentality is to "nurture and protect" so you end up feeling as though you are doing something wrong.

Unfortunately, women can learn this very young and believe they have to cower and obey and give in somehow. So, they don't get a chance to really understand the reality of what they are participating with, it becomes "their normal". When they develop this way they also unknowingly attract men that look for this kind of woman so they "unknowingly" have a partner they can control, and take their stress out on.

[nicoleflynn]

I disagree that we "attract" abusers (victim blaming) 1 in 3 women will be physically assaulted in their lifetime. These abusers are acting out their anger and rage at whatever was done to them. They are excruciatingly insecure. Abuse is a CHOICE. I presented my paper on the subject at my State's Counseling Association and am moderator of an abused survivors' group.

[nicoleflynn]

I will PM it to you.

Hugs

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Nichole, I would love to see what you have written. You can send a link for me and others here to read or if you would rather keep it not so public you can send it to me in a PM. But DEFINITELY send it. I want to read it.

[Open Eyes]

No, that is not what I am really saying nicoleflynn, I am not "blaming the victim", what I am doing instead is trying to shed more light on understanding abusers. They are frustrated individuals that "act out" their frustrations on others in order to gain a sense of control over, as well as release their fear/frustrations/anger/stress.

A victim needs to understand "the nature of the beast" and realize it's not their fault and also slowly learn how to develop stronger boundaries, as well as learn not to "absorb" the "anger/fear/frustration/stress" that the abuser is trying to put on them. To understand the lack of respect they are getting is not because they are not worthy of it, but instead it means the abuser is an individual that is expressing "their" lacks. They never learned how to reduce their inner stress in more "positive" ways, and they never learned how to "respect" others, often it is all about "their own world" and they often get angry if one expects them to have the capacity to see outside that world of "theirs". A victim has to be controlled in "their world", that is all they know how to do.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

I disagree that we "attract" abusers (victim blaming) 1 in 3 women will be physically assaulted in their lifetime. These abusers are acting out their anger and rage at whatever was done to them. They are excruciatingly insecure. Abuse is a CHOICE. I presented my paper on the subject at my State's Counseling Association and am moderator of an abused survivors' group.

It was my therapist who explained it to me nicoleflynn. He told me they can spot an individual that they can attack, they just develop a keen sense for it. I used to wonder "why" I was pursued or attracted them, well, I ran and was shy and so they pursued me. Yes, you are right, they are actually very insecure individuals.