[ShaggyChic_1201]

I'm writing this in as non-triggering a way as possible, but it is all about sex. These things happened from 2003-08 and I'm divorced now, but I am still struggling to sort this out.

Before getting married, I disclosed to my husband that I had been sexually abused. Within 3 months, I found out he had lots of sexual wants and needs and 75% of them were kinky.

First he wanted me to go with him to a strip club. I didn't want to go. He was relentless. Accused me of being a bad wife. That I owed him whatever he wanted b/c I was married. He brought it up all the time, and lots of times when I was at work in my cube so I couldn't really say anything. Finally I went. I hated it but he LOVED it. He bought me a lap dance, which was humiliating. I was mortified and wanted to be anywhere else. He started dragging me to strip joints every weekend, hoping I'd get to know the girls and bring one home. After a few months, the strip club wasn't enough for him.

He started going online and finding out about sex clubs and parties. I wanted nothing to do with this. I'm a good girl - y'know, the teacher's pet type. I try not to make waves, avoid confrontation and keep my head down.

To shorten the story, he used the same relentlessness and shaming to convince me to go. I cried every Fri and Sat and pleaded not to go. He didn't care, and on many occasions, he demanded I drink or take xanax so I'd be "in the mood to party."

Possible trigger:

The 45 min drive to the club was tense and we fought the whole way there. Once inside, he kept the booze flowing. I drank it. Between it and my fantastic ability to dissasociate, I am spared remembering all the details. But I remember enough. Mostly I remember being so ashamed I wanted to die. I also remember enjoying being on the dance floor. I remember having sex with my ex-H in public, with people clapping and sayinig they wanted to go next. I don't remember anyone going next.

I remember him trying to set me up with many women, where the 2 husbands would watch. I remember being in at least one hotel room with one such couple. And being in people's houses and dungeons that looked like dante's inferno.

The fact that I enjoyed dancing and I went for so many times is what kills me now. There are no words for how I feel about myself. For allowing him to do this. For ignoring everything I believe in. It is the thing that no one but him and my T know about me. In a 1000 years, you'd never think I did that.

I'm not sure how I found the resolve to stop going. I was so beaten down that no booze or drugs could get me "in the party mood" anymore. For a while, he drug me there like a corpse. Eventually, I just refused to go. His verbal abuse was nothing compared to what I was telling myself at that point. I didn't care about it anymore. He continued to ask me to go for the remaining 5 years of our marriage, but I never did.

But lately I've been dreaming about the clubs. Dreaming that I was having sex in public and enjoying the attention of being a good dancer. it again makes me wonder what kind of person I am. Maybe I am just a slut.

[junkDNA]

hey. my former T did this to me. he was into swinging and basically coerced me into it with him. he would also buy me alcohol to lower my inhibitions as he knew i was scared. i too feel extreme guilt about the things i did. i dissociated through all of it as well. i give u hugs because i know this is really hard ... the shame and stuff.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

hey. my former T did this to me. he was into swinging and basically coerced me into it with him. he would also buy me alcohol to lower my inhibitions as he knew i was scared. i too feel extreme guilt about the things i did. i dissociated through all of it as well. i give u hugs because i know this is really hard ... the shame and stuff.

I don't know which emotion is stronger for me right now. Horror that it was your T who did this to you or some weird joy that I'm not the only one.

Very very sorry.

[AbsurdBlackBear]

I'm sorry to hear about this ShaggyChic, it is a very upsetting thing that this happened to you. You obviously had no such obligation to do something you not only didn't want to do, but had deep seated moral issues with. I am glad you were able to find the strength to get out of the situation. I don't think having these afterthoughts make you a slut, such events can be very psychologically damaging and disorder an aspect of your psyche after being exposed to it, especially as long and all the things you have been exposed to. It is just like a drug or any other heavily psychological subject. It is going to have an effect on people exposed to it, but I do not think you're a slut. You obviously are still disgusted by this situation and since you posted it in the abuse section, I'm assuming you take it as a form of abuse which I agree with and shows that there is more to you than the damage that these experiences have caused.

[Frankbtl]

Hi ShaggyChic, IF you enjoyed the dancing then please don't judge yourself on that, that does not make you a "bad" person, not in the slightest!!!
Part of me wonders if you (personally/who you were) enjoyed the dancing "that much" though from what you've said.........or whether it was a bit more about coercion/manipulation into feeling that way and the drink/drugs which led you to feel that............but either way please don't judge yourself on that.
And the rest.........sounds like none of that was from free choice. Easy to think "Well why didn't I insist on NO/done something" but in situations like that it really isn't necessarily like that in reality is it??!! When you're in the "middle of it".
To me it is a situation you were bullied into, it was manipulative, it was emotionally abusive (at the very least!!) and when your self esteem, self confidence, self respect starts getting stripped away you are going to be doing things you personally wouldn't want to be doing.
But that was you then, so if you can maybe you could try more compassion towards that person, they/you were hurt enough already. They/you honestly DO NOT deserve disgust, not in any way.
And after they/you built up the incredible strength it must have taken to eventually say "No"........wow......do they/you deserve a massive amount of respect/admiration for that, or what??!!!!
And the dreams........well pretty tough to confront them when they aren't "in your conscious" but maybe some of their origins to come from your unresolved feelings about yourself and some of those memories coming much more to the surface???
So maybe it could help in trying to carry on working through those and (if you're not already!!) e.g. with a T, in a support group, in an online support group, and with us too???
So if you want to talk..............

Alison

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Originally Posted by AbsurdBlackBear

I'm sorry to hear about this ShaggyChic, it is a very upsetting thing that this happened to you. You obviously had no such obligation to do something you not only didn't want to do, but had deep seated moral issues with. I am glad you were able to find the strength to get out of the situation. I don't think having these afterthoughts make you a slut, such events can be very psychologically damaging and disorder an aspect of your psyche after being exposed to it, especially as long and all the things you have been exposed to. It is just like a drug or any other heavily psychological subject. It is going to have an effect on people exposed to it, but I do not think you're a slut. You obviously are still disgusted by this situation and since you posted it in the abuse section, I'm assuming you take it as a form of abuse which I agree with and shows that there is more to you than the damage that these experiences have caused.

I know it's abuse. Everything in my life seems to qualify as abuse. I have been so triggered for the past few weeks that my T today asked if there were any meds I was afraid to keep in the house and if I needed to be in the hospital. I said no, I am safe, and I am. I want to hurt and punish myself, but that's all.

Possible trigger:

I keep envisioning what it would be like to take a boxcutter to the entire length of my arm. Even imagining both horrifies me and calms. My T does know I am struggling with si, but not the extent to which I think about it

Even worse, I've subconsciously done what I've always been afraid of: I opened Pandora's Box and am now flooded with sick memories and despair and hopelessness. Meanwhile, I am buying a house and having a holiday party. How I manage to keep breathing, let alone functioning is truly a mystery. I am exhausted and terrified to relax and try to sleep. I stay up as late as I can keeping busy. Then down trazadone and a glass of wine in the hopes I can avoid thinking. It never works. Then the nightmares start and I'm bolted awake to suffer til it's time to get out of bed and hit the treadmill. FML.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi ShaggyChic, IF you enjoyed the dancing then please don't judge yourself on that, that does not make you a "bad" person, not in the slightest!!!
Part of me wonders if you (personally/who you were) enjoyed the dancing "that much" though from what you've said.........or whether it was a bit more about coercion/manipulation into feeling that way and the drink/drugs which led you to feel that............but either way please don't judge yourself on that.
And the rest.........sounds like none of that was from free choice. Easy to think "Well why didn't I insist on NO/done something" but in situations like that it really isn't necessarily like that in reality is it??!! When you're in the "middle of it".
To me it is a situation you were bullied into, it was manipulative, it was emotionally abusive (at the very least!!) and when your self esteem, self confidence, self respect starts getting stripped away you are going to be doing things you personally wouldn't want to be doing.
But that was you then, so if you can maybe you could try more compassion towards that person, they/you were hurt enough already. They/you honestly DO NOT deserve disgust, not in any way.
And after they/you built up the incredible strength it must have taken to eventually say "No"........wow......do they/you deserve a massive amount of respect/admiration for that, or what??!!!!
And the dreams........well pretty tough to confront them when they aren't "in your conscious" but maybe some of their origins to come from your unresolved feelings about yourself and some of those memories coming much more to the surface???
So maybe it could help in trying to carry on working through those and (if you're not already!!) e.g. with a T, in a support group, in an online support group, and with us too???
So if you want to talk..............

Alison

Thank you so much for showing me some kindness. I am crying now because it is what I've always craved. Yet at the same time, I want to reject your kindness. Tell you why you have it all wrong and convince you I really am nothing but a 2-bit *****. It's like I'm dying of thirst as I spill out the drink you are handing me. Why must I be so f@##$d up? Why must I hurt and have to endure so much?

Anyway, thank you

[Frankbtl]

Hi ShaggyChic,

"Tell you why you have it all wrong and convince you I really am nothing but a 2-bit *****"
Try as much as you want but you're not going to convince me of that
And I'm so sorry you haven't had enough people in your life to support you in seeing yourself without judgement, with compassion and respect
But I know that sometimes, after being treated so badly and being viewed so badly by others and by yourself so for so long, it can kind of feel fake when others treat/see you differently..........like you don't deserve it, like you aren't worthy of it. But you are and you always were deserving/worthy of that.
And whatever you did, whatever you were trapped into doing/feeling, you still should be treated with respect, with compassion, with empathy, you still should be valued for being you. And nothing should take away your right to be seen (including by yourself) and treated with dignity.
And you know at the end of all of this you've actually shown yourself to be so admirable........people have led you into such dark places, but you managed to break away from that, you rose above it!!!
Now I completely understand how hard it might be to look back, but the person you're looking back on does deserve your respect, that person gradually gathered the immense amount of courage, of strength to breakthrough to become a survivor, to become who you are today. And that is pretty amazing!!!
And now, neither that person or you deserves to be looked down on, or to be hurt all over again in any way
Please keep on trying to recognise and to reach out for the kindness you so deserve.



Alison

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

It seems to me that your ex-husband was being unacceptably disrespectful and unkind and taking advantage of your insecurities. That is on him, not you, I think.