[ListeneroftheHeart]

To all the people who may read this post,

Thank you for taking the time to do so. It seems as though there are a lot of posts on this website, and so if you are taking your time to read my post, let alone reply to it, you have shown me much more kindness than I have received in a long time in my relationship.

I am only beginning to accept that I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for the past three years, on and off. It's been hard for me to accept though, and I'm not even entirely there. Part of me feels downright ashamed to even say that he was abusive, because part of me still does not believe that it was abusive. And because he has told me before that I was the abusive and manipulative one, it only adds to my doubt and shame. It's not like he was mean all the time - he was there for me at some of my most difficult times in life (hospitalizations, two traumatic deaths of loved ones, healing from sexual trauma). We have also had some very fond memories together. Yet there is a darker side, kind of like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, a side where he has hurt me in ways I did not think it was possible. It's as though he knew *exactly* which buttons to push to make me feel like scum, like I was a dog being kicked over and over yet who always returned to their master. It would be too long of a list to recall all the things he has said or done, and frankly, I can't even remember them all - they've all just turned into a blur of memories manifested mostly as feelings of anger, shame, and sadness. Yet I always downplay these events whenever they happen, and I almost convince myself that they are normal, even though a voice inside my head insists they aren't.

Because of all the turmoil, and his horrible behavior, we have broken up a number of times - at least four times - but only one other time had any sense of finality. The previous times, I would always tell him I was done with him, that he had hurt me beyond repair, that I never wanted to speak with him again. Yet, the next day, or sometime that week, I would answer his phone calls, and accept his apologies. Very recently, however, he ended our relationship what seems to be permanently. Or at least, the message he sent me implies that he will again reach out to me at his convenience and after we (maybe more I) have moved on. Even after all the hurtful things he has said to me, I am still devastated by the end of our relationship. It was a slap in the face to be left by him; it makes me feel as though he has "won", so to speak, with his power-play. Because I did not even tell my friends that we had gotten back together earlier this year, I have not told anyone except my family of the most recent events that have unfolded, which have by far been the worst of the abuse. I feel as though I have nowhere to go, no one to turn to. This man consumed my life, such that when we were together, all I thought (and still think) about was that man, but not in a healthy way. In an almost obsessive way. And now that he is no longer in my life, I still obsessively think about him, and I tend to want to romanticize our relationship rather than accepting the reality of the situation.

I guess what I am asking is how YOU overcame this. How were you able to overcome feeling worthless, dehumanized, angered, all on top of being heartbroken (if that applies to you)? - I want to talk to him, to make him apologize for all the things he has done to me, to make him realize just how badly he has damaged my humanity. But I know deep down that is not the best course of action. How did you come to accept the reality of the person who actually existed in your life rather than the person you wish existed in your life? How were you able to find yourself again? I do not have any answers, but am instead struggling so greatly, and I am trying so hard to keep my mental illnesses at bay as well. I need any and all of the support you can offer me.

[CANDC]

Hi ListeneroftheHeart. Welcome to Psych Central. I am so sorry for what you endured and experienced abuse. No one should have to go through it. But it sounds like you are a survivor and aiming to deal with it. But it is hard without a therapist and guide. Therapy is covered by most medical insurance, medicaid, and affordable care act insurance.

Psych Central has many more compassionate people than the world in general, or at least it seems that way to me. July many people are taking vacations so responses may be slower and less in quantity.

You really have some great questions that could be the basis of your wellness program. These are such deep questions and so personal that they are not things someone has the answer to. You have the answers within you.

I never felt loved until I started caring about others more or at least as much as myself. I bet there are others on the forum survivors of abuse or self esteem that are asking questions you could answer. It is surprising how much love I felt when I started trying to be there for other people. You can lose nothing by trying and you just may find that the love you are seeking is here all the while, hiding in the cries of a person looking for compassion and caring.

Glad you are joining us here. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[CopperStar]

This is a pretty good website in terms of healing from abusive relationships in general, whether it was a legit psychopath or not:

https://www.psychopathfree.com/

The only qualm I have with the website is that it is strongly opposed to holding survivors accountable for working through their own issues and examining their own dysfunctions that make them targets in the first place. The website considers that type of thinking to be "sympathizing with perpetrators".

I disagree and don't see it as a matter of blame, just analyzing and bolstering your own defenses. But if you join, I want to give you that heads-up warning because it can be harsh to get banned from a support group when you're going through stuff.

So my 2 cents advice would be to check out the website for validation, and feel free to join for the sake of cathartic venting and sharing.

And then separately, consider looking into therapy for yourself to figure out why you tolerate abusive behavior and would keep going back again and again. Wiping out toxic junk from childhood conditioning and replacing it with healthy boundaries is a long and tough process, usually pretty messy, too. There are not really any quick-fix "answers" unfortunately.

[cluelessgal]

I'm so sorry that you were in this relationship that made you feel so miserable.

Take out all the good things he did for you, take out all the bad things - the best judgement of a relationship with a person is how they make you feel. You felt like a kicked dog who'd always return to his "master" - I think it leaves no doubt in my mind that this relationship was no good to you, despite all the good things he did for you.

And the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - I so wish this was the unique case - but it's as common as sun rising in the east. When a relationship is all bad, a person gets fed up and leaves. It's the kisses with the punches that keeps us tied in abusive relationship and keeping us moving in circles. A delicious chocolate ice cream laced with poison, is poison, not ice cream. If you don't feel loved, cherished, respect and growth in a relationship - it's not worth it.

I think it's time, as you know it deep down, to kick this relationship goodbye. Please stay strong. Stop answering calls. Don't be sucked back into this. The storm has left - time to repair the house.

Start reaching out to your friends. Let your heart out. But more importantly, start therapy. The quicker you get help, the earlier you heal and the earlier you heal, the quicker you can stand back up in your life and move on. And the best "win" you can get with an abusive person is moving on.

And please do write a secret blog - only for you. Writing is very healing - it acknowledges your feelings that mere recalling incident doesn't.

Good luck.

[nicoleflynn]

Reading the Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life; I think it should be required reading for everyone on the planet; it is rampant. Abuse is a CHOICE. Reading about the subject, writing a journal for yourself, is helplful and getting into therapy is a good idea, also. When we lose something/someone we grieve...no matter how bad it was ; all feelings are normal; not right or wrong.

I stayed for 31 years until I found that book and began the journey to freedom from abuse. Everyone's journey is different in healing; be easy on yourself; little baby steps, a little at a time...

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central ListeneroftheHeart!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator by left clicking on their name in blue to the left of their post if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I'm sorry for your struggles. You'll find we have a safe and supportive community. I'm glad you've joined us.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!