[Gemini3]

Hello,

I am very confused and need help with this situation. I was with a guy for almost two years...we are early 20s. We had a really rocky relationship. Around April of this year I found out he was sending and receiving nudes from a girl. He then moved back home. Ended up calling her. We tried to work it out. He then left me. Slept with her. We got back together and this is when everything went crazy. He has anger and would swear at me telling me to shut the f up, shut up, scream in general, f you, f this, I made him.so angry he wanted to punch, he has screamed so close to my face I could feel it. After we tried to work it out this last time... he shoved me. I ended up falling off the bed. He said I have so many problems wrong with me. He's told me I make him so angry that he wants to punch me. He says I caused all of this and all he ever wanted was for me to just be happy..if I was just happy none of this would have happened. He doesn't angry with anyone like this but me. We ended it. It's been two days. And I'm numb. I can't figure out if this is abusive behavior or if I actually caused all of this. Can anyone help me out here. I feel like I did make the right decision but why do I feel so crappy then. So numb.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Gemini,

It was definitely an abusive and unsafe situation to be in, and well done on getting and staying away.
As for whether you caused it...........an abuser will often try to shift the blame onto the person they're abusing and even make them feel that they deserve it, but there is no justification for abuse, the blame lies purely with the abuser.
And the fact he wasn't behaving like that with anyone else...........could be different reasons but maybe it was that you were the one closest to him so you were the one to see his "true colors", maybe he felt that you were in a relationship with him so "you owed him" to put up with his behaviours (which you didn't!!!), maybe he felt that he could behave like that with you and you'd keep it quiet, maybe he didn't need to behave like that with other people because he got what he needed form behaving like that with you e.g. a sense of power/control, maybe he wasn't capable of having an equal relationship and that showed in his behaviours, maybe his past included men behaving that way towards their partners, but none of that makes it your fault.
And your feelings now..........feeling crappy, feeling numb..........well you've been through a lot with him so maybe you're blaming yourself, maybe you're feeling a sense of loss of what you'd hoped the relationship could have been, maybe you're feeling betrayal.........I'd say you're probably going to be feeling/feel lots of different and sometimes conflicting feelings about the relationship and about what happened.
But if you can just try to hold onto one thing right now..........you did not/do not deserve to be treated that way, and you've done exactly the right thing in letting/having it end!! Please remember that.



Alison

[nicoleflynn]

Verbal abuse is horrific. It is also a CHOICE. He chose that behavior. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. If you read it will clarify what happened. Abusers are excruciatingly insecure and their behavior has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with their low self-esteem and problems/issues that they have. You didn't cause his behavior, he CHOSE it.

He said I "have so many problems wrong with me".......that is called projection.....projecting onto YOU what is true about HIM....You feel crappy and numb because you were being abused....I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to get back with you........you were a verbal punching bag....stay strong, read about verbal abuse .

[Cat_Lover_58]

I've been in your shoes and this is HIS problem! Nobody deserves what he's dishing out! You're worth more than that! Let us know how you're doing...Cat

[cluelessgal]

Oh THANK GOD you are out of this god-awful relationship, because when I started reading, in my head, I was typing "GET OUT of this relationship NOW". This WAS abusive relationship, have no doubt about it.

Nothing you have typed, convinces me that this guy was worth holding on to for even a day, leave alone 2 years. He cheated on you, he was physically and emotionally abusive to you, he made you feel miserable, he was violent, he threatened you....

In a relationship, what we do for each other doesn't count. The way they make you feel does. If you feel crappy - irrespective of who's responsible, the relationship has no future and has to end. World is a tough place as it is. Family or relationships are supposed to be your safety net - even if the whole world is against you, you know that they'll always be there for you.

He was not that person.

I can tell you a gazillion times that whatever abusive people say, is not an opinion on you, but their opinion of themselves, projected on you.....but you really need to realize this yourself.

Abuse is a strange process....you know deep down that it's bad, but yet, you feel you can't function without your abuser - they make you feel like you are worthless without them. I think that's what makes you feel numb - you really don't know what to do or who you are, your sense of identity gets lost.....but I'm just guessing.

Please see a therapist (if you already are not seeing one), because abusive relationships batter your self-esteem and your sense of security. Right now, maybe you'd feel therapy seems extreme, but earlier you seek help for your problem, sooner you can heal and gain your self worth back.

All my love.