[Bird Feeder]

I am a survivor of all the big three, sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I deal with major depression because of it and was hospitalized for a year in my teens because of it. I was eventually discharged to a foster home where I lived until I was in my first year of college.

I tried so hard when my 4 kids were young to never repeat what happened to me. Thinks were very tight money wise so I always felt guilty when we couldn't provide the material things, but boy did we have fun playing. We did all kinds of fun things as I babysat for other children too. I still suffered with clinical depression but I would take meds until felt better and then stop.. a less than perfect childhood caused by me.

Fast forward to my grandchildren.....I thought I was doing a great job. We go tent camping, frog catching, fishing etc. Play games, they sleep over.. everything /i wanted for my children but didn't get. Now my daughter lets me know that I am not doing in right. She says I spoil my grandaughter that lives out of state. I don't buy things for my gransons that I buy for 9 yr old granddaughter. I buy clothes for my grandaughter, she is into clothes. I buy fishing pools, tackle boxes frog nets, that my 3 and 4 year are into Anyway it came out like i was doing it all wrong after I tried so hard to get it right.

I take car of my mother-in-law who lives with us which is hard. My husband and I work full time and is hard to fine time for every thing. i know if I commit suicide my daughter would be upset.

Well the klonopin is just getting in.. than I am asleep thank you for listening.

[Bird Feeder]

I guess this was the wrong place to put this post. I probably sound like an abusive parent in disguise.......

[mazing]

I don't think at all you sound like an abusive parent. It sounds like you have done everything you can to look after your children and grandchildren. Living with mental illness is never easy and it can be extremely hard to look after other people while you are also struggling. I know that can be really hard for children to understand but it sounds like you did the best that you could.

It sounds like you are doing well with your grandchildren - ultimately it is the time you spend with them that they will remember in the future. I don't remember so much the gifts my grandparents bought me but the special times we spent together - when we went camping, slept-over etc. For my other grandparents who live out of state I have some very cherished possessions but for my local grandparents I would never replace the time we spent together with any kinds of gifts.

Can you talk to your daughter about what she thinks you are doing wrong? From everything you have posted here it seems you are doing all you can to be a good grandparent now that you are in a space where you can spoil the kids a bit (and hey, isn't that what grandparents are for? )

[cluelessgal]

Hey Bird Feeder,

I'm so sorry you've had such a traumatic childhood . You are posting this in the right forum. Kudos on being a survivor and even raising 4 children with limited resources, when in today's world, raising a single kid is difficult and on top of that, you even care for your mother-in-law while working full-time. Wow...that sounds exhausting amount of work!

Are you seeing a therapist? If not, it would be a good idea to see one, just to ensure that you're not suffering from depression. You've talked about suicide - well suicide is a permanent "solution" for a temporary problem. Please promise that before you take any such drastic step, you would seek help.

It's unfair if you are the one running pillar to post to ensure everyone is happy. You have a duty of caring for your loved ones and you also have a duty towards yourself to care for you. You should get others involved so that they take up some responsibilities and leave a little "me-time" for yourself.

I think you should discuss your childhood and your struggles, with your children, they may be in a better position to understand you and even help you. If it's difficult to talk to them, please type out a letter and give it to your husband and your children. If they knew how much you have suffered and how much you have on your mind and hands right now, they may blame you less and help you more.

But, please do seek a therapist. Depression and traumatic abuse is not something you can battle alone and it's okay to seek help - earlier the better.

All my love.

[Bird Feeder]

Thank you for responding. I do have a therapist that I will see next week. I also have a pdoc and receive ECT everyone 2 weeks. I am really trying and I really thought I was doing a good job. It is pure hell to fine out that you could be doing something more or something differently when you think you had it all together......I quess I will never be able to do enough. It makes suicide that much more inviting.

[cluelessgal]

Good to know you are working with a therapist. Please do tell her about what you are thinking...infact, it would be a good idea to take a print out of all that you have typed here and show it to her.

My mother had a rough childhood too. She never received any love from anyone, despite living in a family of 6 people. Though, she has done a lot for us, I feel that she failed to love us unconditionally and most times is emotionally unavailable. Her life and our life is completely disconnected.

If I tell her all this, it's not because I want to blame her or want her to feel bad, it's an opportunity to work on a problem and if everyone involved looked at it as a problem, rather than character assassination, then we can work towards a solution.

I think you should let everyone in your family know what you are going through. You've had a very traumatic childhood and instead of feeling that you've failed, why not just think that your traumatic childhood wounds, unhealed, is causing a little problem. Again, when someone points out a flaw, it's a reflection of something you do and not someone you are. It's okay to not be perfect - you have worked a lot and you should be very proud of that and NO ONE can take that away from you.

It's entirely possible that you're daughter is wrong...your therapist may have a better understanding.

But anyway, it's an opportunity to do something better - add cherry and pretty icing on your cake and not change the whole cake. Right now, just focus on you and your needs for a little time. Do something nice for yourself everyday - every Sunday indulge yourself a little.

[Bird Feeder]

it is okay..... i have struggled for so long not to sow the sins of my fathers. I guess I didn't do a good job. it was ajj that ever mattered to me ab
and now it is too late.