[AnaWhitney]

Hi and thank you in advance if you are about to read this. This is my first time posting here and hope I am doing it right!

So I have been in therapy for about 2 months now and I had a confusing reaction in my last session. My T has been good about not pushing me to talk about that thing I am not ready for. I talk mainly about the symptoms I experience and about some of the coping mechanisms I use. I hit a bit of a wall in that last session though, and I think I knew it would be hard to progress without addressing it.

I thought I would feel a certain way when I was 'ready'. I didn't really feel ready (whatever that is supposed to feel like) and I couldn't get the words together to say it. I asked T tell me what she suspected (so that I would at least know if we were on the same page), I decided if she did not get it right, I would probably keep the secret forever, because it's too off topic to ever bring up, especially because my memory is not clear)

She said that she would tell me what she thinks it is, only because she thinks it will be easier for me. She also asked if I would be angry if she got it wrong to which I said no. So she asked if it was sexual abuse. I expected some kind of feeling of validation or understanding or relief even but none of these came I don't remember very much of what was said for the rest of the session. T asked what I was thinking and all I could say was 'im telling myself to concentrate.' Nothing seemed real, I was staring but not seeing.

When I left it took a while to come back to myself, I was surprised at how far I had walked. I had to get a friend to pick me up and I consciously put everything to the side and carried on as normal in this persons company. I didn't really think about the therapy session for a couple of days. When I did I got a sense of (guilt, i think?) It is similar to the feeling I sometimes get when I wake up after a heavy night of drinking and I'm already ashamed/mortified of what I think I might have done. This feeling wakes up with me before any memories (whether innocent or not) return to me, like it's built in.

So i guess what I'm after is to find out if my reaction to addressing this issue is completely off the wall? I'm getting nervous about the next session even though I know T will not push me and is brilliant in every way, my heart is still hammering. Can anybody tell me their own experiences of disclosing this information in therapy, and how they knew they were ready, and how they felt in the rest of the session and afterwards? I would really appreciate if you can share your experience. Thank you!

[fadedstar]

Honestly it took me a year with my current T to even mention anything beyond "something happened I don't want to talk about it." I hysterically broke down on the phone and spilled some basic details after not being able to leave my bed because I felt so triggered and awful. I still freak every time we get close to the issue (massive anxiety) there's a lot of work calming me down done. I have a really hard time talking when I'm upset, I almost go mute. We're going to start tackling it soon and I'm not looking forward to it

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[Whiteroses02]

Hey Ana, it sounds like you went into a pretty big dissociative state, when she labeled your secret. That was just your brain protecting you from the pain.
I have only told my therapist and It was just under a year ago. I told her through a letter that I slipped under her door. I thought I was ready until I had to actually speak about it. I was ashamed and embarrassed and wanted to take it all back. Since I've told we only bring it up when I'm willing and it hasn't been that often. And sometimes it's only very briefly. I questioned that once if it was normal that I could tell her this big secret and then just never bring it up in session, she explained that I had done a great job at keeping this secret and putting out this facade to my family at a very early age that everything was normal and I have continued that same mentality throughout my adult life in all areas, not just with the SA. So i can have these big moments of bravery to bring it up and reveal information and emotions but then my subconscious steps in and takes all those thoughts and emotions and locks them up in a box, stores it away until I'm ready to bring it up again. She said not only is it normal but it's a pretty amazing system my brain has established to keep me safe.

I highly encourage when you are ready to bring up everything you wrote in your post. I find discussing my secondary responses to my emotional reactions helps me learn so much more about myself. In my experience, this is really where the "hard work" in therapy they always talk about takes place.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

I feel for you!

I am just now telling my T. The first person I've told in decades. I have to do it in many stages to avoid disassociating. The moment things start to get fuzzy, I tell my T and we switch to grounding. I haven't been able to say the words of what happened, so I keep using stupid analogies until she understands and then she says it for me. Interestingly enough, she is choosing crass words. Her words make me feel something, usually anger, but I can't sustain it. [much like Whiteroses described, my brain shuts off like an overheated toaster].

I'm still dealing with the sadness over what life could have been like, "if only."

[AnaWhitney]

Originally Posted by ShaggyChic_1201

I feel for you!

I am just now telling my T. The first person I've told in decades. I have to do it in many stages to avoid disassociating. The moment things start to get fuzzy, I tell my T and we switch to grounding. I haven't been able to say the words of what happened, so I keep using stupid analogies until she understands and then she says it for me. Interestingly enough, she is choosing crass words. Her words make me feel something, usually anger, but I can't sustain it. [much like Whiteroses described, my brain shuts off like an overheated toaster].

I'm still dealing with the sadness over what life could have been like, "if only."

Thanks for this info! I hope you don't mind me asking you this, just that you said you also have problems staying grounded when discussing it, are your original memories clear? Mine are not and I'm wondering could there be a link between this and the dissociating when it was brought up? I can't really understand why I would do this when I keep doubting myself. I hope that makes sense ?

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Originally Posted by AnaWhitney

Thanks for this info! I hope you don't mind me asking you this, just that you said you also have problems staying grounded when discussing it, are your original memories clear? Mine are not and I'm wondering could there be a link between this and the dissociating when it was brought up? I can't really understand why I would do this when I keep doubting myself. I hope that makes sense ?

I understand completely! I am constantly doubting myself too, which I posted about recently.

To answer your question, my memories are very spotty. Not just about abuse. I have very few memories from childhood. Regarding CSA tho, I remember the setting, what the room looked like, sounds, smells. In a few cases I remember pieces of deeds, but not always. It's like a movie but from my perspective. Most of what I remember are the feelings. I remember the anxiety and panic and then the poof! nothing. I remember nothing more. So far, nothing fills in those blanks...and I don't think I want them filled in. I used to want to dig. Thought about hypnosis. But now, knowing what I do know, I shall leave well enough alone.