[Miktis25]

This is the first time I've ever actually put this in writing, because until recently I chose just not to think about it, but it's really been bothering me.
It's pretty likely that I was sexually abused by my father as a child - the only memories I have from before I was about nine were of waking up and finding my violent (towards my mother) and alcoholic father naked in my bed. I don't remember anything, but if something happened or not, I know it's something that does affect me. I was on a relationship for almost two years, and though I thought I trusted the guy I was with I never felt comfortable or even safe whenever we did anything. When I started to refuse because I couldn't deal with it he became abusive towards me.
I felt so anxious when the topic of sex comes up, whether it was in school lessons or when it comes up on TV or in conversations. Doctors... I am meant to have an appointment soon for an IUD because other birth control doesn't work on me, and I'm terrified. I don't know if I can even go through with it, just the thought of it makes me so anxious.
Part of me wants to bring this up with my psychologist, wants to have answers, but I don't know if it would do more harm than good. Part of me just doesn't want to know, but it's really bothering me. Whatever happened, my brain blocked it out of my memory for a reason, but that was when I was a little girl. Now that I'm older I wonder if someone told me there was a way to find out what happened, would I say yes? Just been on my mind

[CANDC]

Sorry you suffered abuse as a child and in a relationship. No one should have to go through that. Talking to your psychologist is well advised. If they do not know how to cope with it, maybe time to find someone specializing in coping with abuse.

Abuse sets us up to be triggered by things in our life, therapy can help us move towards a more normal life. Feel free to private message me or any of the community liaisons.

[starfruit504]

Your memories sound a lot like mine. I haven't "recovered" anything more than that my father was in my bed every night, but I know it traumatized me. I was terrified of him. He was sexually inappropriate towards me my entire life, until I stopped speaking to him. He was also physically abusive to me and my brother. My therapist tells me it's possible there was sexual contact that I cannot recall. I'm grateful for that now because I've learned to accept the reality of it, which is that he did something wrong, whether I remember all of it or not. I even learned to accept the fact that he KNEW it was wrong all the while. I don't need the memory to try to prove it happened. It's a cold hard fact and that is in itself comforting.

Seeing a therapist will heal you. It will do more good than harm. Revisiting these memories is going to be painful. It's a bumpy road, but I promise, just like other survivors promised me, that it will be worth it. It's consuming your relationships, keeping you from intimacy. Therapy will help you take back your power. You deserve to be comfortable, in your own skin and with your partners.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Miktis25: This is what seeing a psychologist is for! If you don't talk about things such as this, your psychologist cannot truly help you.

I've been watching a TV series on our Public Broadcasting Service, here in the U.S.A., titled: "The Brain with David Eagleman" Eagleman is a researcher who studies the functioning of the brain. One of the points he's been making is that much more of who we are, & what we do, is controlled by the subconscious mind than we typically believe to be the case. This being the case, it is likely that there are emotions stored within areas of your brain, to which you do not have conscious access, which none-the-less are affecting how you handle relationships today. And, unless you figure out a way to deal with these hidden emotions, it may be that they will continue to be a hindrance well into your future. So my recommendation, for what its worth, is to talk with your psychologist about all of this stuff. My best wishes to you...

[Miktis25]

Thank you for your replies; I haven't been speaking to my psychologist recently because I generally haven't liked our sessions, but I've started seeing a psychotherapist who has been brilliant, so I'll try bring it up when I see her on Thursday. I'm actually mute with the stress and anxiety and everything that's happened recently (I'm autistic, mutism can be a problem for me), but I think it would be less painful to put it properly into writing instead anyway. I'm getting flashbacks, I've lost three babies this year which I think triggered these memories coming back, and if more of them happen I'll need someone to 'talk' to so I can work through them