[Joanna319]

I am trying to understand how I allow to be victimised by manipulators and what effect it has on me. I find myself stuck in a highly controlling, emotionally & physically abusive co dependant relationship yet again, after I had escaped the same in my marriage. Somehow, my power gets taken and when I realise I have no control of anything anymore, I retreat into a semi vegetative mental state unable to fight back. How can I let myself be completely diminished by psychological games and actually start punishing myself as well for being weak. I know hes a bad'un, I know he is an addict, I know not to believe his lies, but repeatedly carry on with the same submission and then suffer such overwhelming depression when he hurts again, every day. Am I looking to be a victim? Why? How can someone have so much power over someone elses emotions and mental state. How can he say in one breathe he loves me then his actions prove the opposite? Aargh! How can I fight back if my physical & mental coping mechanism is to switch off, retreat, shut down and be immobile. Believe me, have tried to overcome that, but my body & mind wont let me. Why???

[kaliope]

i know i attracted those types of relationships to continue the cycle of abuse from my childhood. the belief was if i could only be "perfect" enough for these guys to change they behavior and stop being abusive then it would mean they love me and make up for the fact i never felt like i was good enough for my abusive dad to love me. finally tired of being abused and realizing this, i am just staying out of relationships and taking care of me. i am so much happier having the freedom to do whatever i want, whenever i want and never having anybody mad at me for moving in the bed, wanting to watch something on tv, not having meals made to their specifications, breathing.,.,,,im sure you catch my drift

[Quarter life]

The words 'I Love You' are only words. Even if there is a genuine feeling of Love....that 'Love' often isn't enough to sustain a relationship...not even close.

[nicoleflynn]

I stayed for 31 years and then found the answer/book which saved my life: THe Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. You can take action if you want to figure out why you stay , etc......counseling, reading everything on verbal abuse, etc....Living in limbo is a terrible place to be. Abuse is a CHOICE; he chooses that to keep you under his control. It is literally brainwashing, tht is why it is so confusing. What do you want to do about it is the question;; if it is to escape being abused.......you have options. xo

He does NOT love you.....love doesn't hurt or abuse; You don't want to be a victim (I believe), but are repeating a pattern of what you have lived with and what you know and is familiar. There is hope, if you want to stop being abused.

He has NO power over you, except the power you give him.

See if this rings a bell! https://niastories.files.wordpress.c...f_coercion.pdf

[mle1115]

Through therapy, I have started to learn that someone's actions repeatedly not meeting their words is manipulation in itself. I used to always blame myself for being too hard on people, and in fact, have been told I should cut people more slack my whole life. Sometimes it's important to simply be proud of yourself for recognizing the inconsistencies, though. Many people don't. Many people choose to look the other way. It's okay to put yourself first. I think a lot of us are empaths and want so badly to make others' pain go away that we sometimes end up taking on the burden of that pain ourselves, but it's not our job! He has to want to take care of himself first!

I hope you start to feel better soon. You have the strength to stand up for yourself. Giving into his lies is just another way of enabling. Maybe it helps to think about your standing up to him as setting a boundary, which can only help the both of you in the long run. Hugs!