[CopperStar]

This isn't directly about abuse, but as a physical, emotional and sexual abuse survivor, this is going to be a big deal for me. I have spent my entire life being very passive and anxious, inviting abuse and disrespect, and harboring a ton of internalized rage that turns into depression and anxiety.

My manager at work has been putting me in a very unfair position. She lets anyone access my register/cash drawer throughout my shifts, including other managers, and then blames me solely for any cash shortage at the end of the shift. Today I walked in and found an angry note she left for me telling me that she is going to start writing up my shortages and three shortages means I will be fired. This very same shift, another manager used my register I.D. code and ran a register herself and with another cashier while I was barely on it as I was mostly preparing food, then she would not even let me close down my own register to see how much money was in it and how much was short.

My gut reaction was anxiety and anger, which I immediately started to internalize and just felt like crying. At first my plan was to just not make waves, try to make as much money as I can before inevitably being thrown under the bus and fired.

But I'm not going to let that happen. I emailed corporate and told them what has been going on, that I am not comfortable with it and the obvious reasons as to why. So there is documentation of my perspective on the matter.

Tomorrow when I go into work, as terrifying as it's probably going to be, I am going to tell my manager that I will not cashier for them anymore unless I am the only person who is allowed to touch my register. If she wants me to sign a write up paper for yesterday's likely shortage, I will refuse to do so, as two other people were mainly using the register under my I.D. code.

I might get fired, it will probably be painfully terrifying, I will probably feel very embarrassed even trying to talk. But I am not going to let them treat me this way. I am going to politely confront the issue, and then let it go, whatever it happens. I am not going to carry around anxiety and anger and depression because of these people.

Wish me luck ya'll.

[Miktis25]

Good luck Copper! Will be thinking of you!

[Nammu]

That's impressive and inspiring! I wish you well and may this make you stronger whatever the outcome!

[CopperStar]

Thank you. I feel like this is my last major hurdle in terms of healing and recovery. I have faced some terrifying stuff in past years, but with relative ease because I would just disassociate through it. But for some reason standing up for myself in any situation terrifies me to the core. I instantly feel like I'm 10 years old all over again and that something horrific is going to happen to me. There are plenty of examples from my childhood that probably caused this, but it would just be triggers everywhere up in here to go into it. But I just feel like I've got to do this, like it really matters, even if it's just over a part-time job.

[Cat_Lover_58]

I'm with you ALL the way CopperStar! Like someone posted, YOU ROCK! Cat

[skeksi]

Good for you! Anger is a powerful way to change things we are not satisfied with. I am glad you sent the email and hope things go well.

[TerriLynn]

Praying for you Copperstar! And I know exactly how you feel. I hope all goes well. Let us know. We are here for you.

[CopperStar]

Well it was pretty uneventful for how worked up and melodramatic my brain was being about it last night. I only got a few hours of sleep and couldn't stop obsessing over what I would do/say today when I arrived at work. Kept cycling through anxiety, doubt, anger, guilt, etc.

But then I was so all-around exhausted when I left for work at 4 this morning, that I just felt nauseated and numb. I showed up for work not feeling any anxiety or anger at all. Felt very passive and numb and tired. I really didn't want to be there anymore, just felt very "over" the job in general, but I knew I needed to force myself through the motions, wouldn't be right to just stop showing up and screw over my coworkers when we are already understaffed as it is.

Well everything went pretty much crazy this shift. I guess some people quit recently, so 2 brand new employees showed up this morning needing to be trained. Another person quit this morning after I arrived, announced he was quitting and left. So it was me and 2 total newbies holding down the fort, so I felt guilty about possibly winding up walking out on them, too. And it was a really crazy, bad shift. Full-moon type customers. The hot food cooker had a bunch of food in it, but malfunctioned and everything started smoking out and caught on fire. One of the fountain drink machines was like, possessed, and the soda wouldn't stop coming out, created a small flood. I also burned my hand while cooking, stung for hours. Was just one of those days.

Didn't really feel like the right time to have a confrontation where I politely threaten to quit if I don't get my way. Especially because my manager wound up ignoring the register issues and not writing me up after all. She was actually rather friendly to me today. I just couldn't muster up any of the anger I felt yesterday, it just wasn't there.

So I guess this was a flop. Will stick to updating this thread if I try again later this week.

[TerriLynn]

Oh No! What a day! I am glad you survived it!

I completely understand what you were doing to yourself in your head last night, I do the same exact thing!

Work on it another day.

[Cat_Lover_58]

Count me in as doing the same things at work. I tend to get all wound up and then the manager/co-worker I'm upset with is friendly & helpful. What the heck...beginning to think it's just me...lol