[passionfruit3]

Had a therapy session the other day and we talked about an experience that happened when I was fourteen. I had a eight or nine year old cousin at the time over and my mom was upstairs taking a shower when my cousin began to try to encourage me to let him do stuff to me.I told him no but he began to kiss my face and my chest and though. That's. As far as it went I didn't know what to do after I felt. Like it would cause trouble in the family and so I said nothing but my cousin did and my parents came back to me and talked to me the ending result I cried in the bathroom the ending result being nothing came of it cause I was older my mom today blames me she says I should have done more to stop it but I just thought when you told someone no it means no she also feels I'll be taken advantage of again if I don't learn to say no I don't feel the same as bad as it was my cousin was and will be the only guy who will ever touch my hideous self I'm not worthy of love.and there's a lot more I can't have children cause I feel I may hurt them as a result of this event.and something I did at sixteen haunts me and I did not share any of this with my therapist and my family doesn't know I don't want them to disown me for any of this

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[nicoleflynn]

I am sorry you were blamed. That was wrong. You are not hideous or bad. I hope you will share this with your therapist he/she has the skills to help you see you were not at fault. Don't let this ruin the rest of your life. Everyone CHOOSES their behavior and your cousin CHOSE to do that. Even if you had told him to stop, do you think he would have? NO. HE made you feel unworthy of love. EVERone is worthy of love and respect. Take your power back and put the blame and shame where it belongs....not on yourself, but on the person that CHOSE to touch you/molest you. Don't let this incident define who you are. YOU get to do that. You might want to write a letter of "restorative justice" restorative justice says....this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. The letter is for yourself; you can send it or not.

[littleowl2006]

Your family shouldn't possess that much power over you and your own emotional truth. Talking is the only way out.
My therapist compared keeping quiet to a prison. And the he used a metaphor which dazzled me a little bit, he said How do you think the mafia keeps their control? - By making everyone keep secrets. That thought set me free to a certain extent. The only danger consist in not talking and not believing in our own self-worth.
It is a process. Stay strong. You are NOT in the wrong here, your family is
Big hug! <3

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by passionfruit3

Had a therapy session the other day and we talked about an experience that happened when I was fourteen. I had a eight or nine year old cousin at the time over and my mom was upstairs taking a shower when my cousin began to try to encourage me to let him do stuff to me.I told him no but he began to kiss my face and my chest and though. That's. As far as it went I didn't know what to do after I felt. Like it would cause trouble in the family and so I said nothing but my cousin did and my parents came back to me and talked to me the ending result I cried in the bathroom the ending result being nothing came of it cause I was older my mom today blames me she says I should have done more to stop it but I just thought when you told someone no it means no she also feels I'll be taken advantage of again if I don't learn to say no I don't feel the same as bad as it was my cousin was and will be the only guy who will ever touch my hideous self I'm not worthy of love.and there's a lot more I can't have children cause I feel I may hurt them as a result of this event.and something I did at sixteen haunts me and I did not share any of this with my therapist and my family doesn't know I don't want them to disown me for any of this

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First off - I do not know you nor your physical appearance but the fact that you care at all about other people tells me: you are NOT hideous. appearance neither makes us beautiful nor ugly, mistakes do not define us therefore cannot transform our inner beauty either - neither do acts of kindness. What gives us our beauty is our defining personality. We can choose to make choices to change that along the way if we wish but it is much harder to do than altering the physical appearance or an act of kindness or a mistake. Caring - shows you have at the very least "some beauty" - therefore, you cannot be hideous.

Next, the question of blame comes down to a myriad of questions:

1. Did either of you ever request to stop and if so was that request granted?

2. Even though you were older - how much of what was happening did you truly understand - on all levels: physical, emotional, sexual - and how much did he understand?

3. Did you attempt to lure him to you or etc in any way - or did he do so to you - or was it just something that happened?

Those are just very basic questions that will help you understand a bit of the "logistics". Now - as far as the rest though, you were 14, you still were not fully matured emotionally and psychologically either - so truly, no matter how much you may have understood - there still is a factoring difference both in the maturity levels and the fluxing hormones of an adolescent vs that of an adult. At the very least, whether your parents thought you may somehow be at blame or not, they should have brought you to a counselor - as should the parents of your cousin.

[passionfruit3]

To your questions i requsted to stop but he kept trying to come onto me at the time i thought when you told someone no that was as far as it went but it didn't it continued and thats were i got confused didn't know how to proceed so i let it happen and im ashamed. I have anger for my cousin hes very violent busted my cousins nose and stuck his tounge in her mouth but its due to his past life i learned recently his father showed him porn as a child and beat him apart of me feels like something should be done about my cousins father since my cousins sixteen but i don't want to cause trouble and as much as im angry with my cousin i would not want to see him in foster care

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[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by passionfruit3

To your questions i requsted to stop but he kept trying to come onto me at the time i thought when you told someone no that was as far as it went but it didn't it continued and thats were i got confused didn't know how to proceed so i let it happen and im ashamed. I have anger for my cousin hes very violent busted my cousins nose and stuck his tounge in her mouth but its due to his past life i learned recently his father showed him porn as a child and beat him apart of me feels like something should be done about my cousins father since my cousins sixteen but i don't want to cause trouble and as much as im angry with my cousin i would not want to see him in foster care

Ok - the fact that you said no, takes the blame off of you - it is easy to see how anything past that would b confusing for a 14yr old to know what to do. As hard as this is for you to hear - he really cannot be held totally accountable either bc of his age, he could not have known the significance of what he was doing - or the harm it could cause. When young kids do things like that it is usually bc of some kind of sexual abuse going on in their life - n the abuser is the one to be held fully accountable. Does that all make sense?

[passionfruit3]

Yeah i understand i just feel like no one cares what happened to me based on that fact it doesn't make it right what happened to him but does that make it right what he did to me no how about sticking his tounge in my cousins mouth while she slept how about punching her and busting her nose it doesn't make it right and no one cares all they care about is what happened to him.this will happen again probably before eigteen and they'll just continue to keep it in the family cause hes a victim not us

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[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by passionfruit3

Yeah i understand i just feel like no one cares what happened to me based on that fact it doesn't make it right what happened to him but does that make it right what he did to me no how about sticking his tounge in my cousins mouth while she slept how about punching her and busting her nose it doesn't make it right and no one cares all they care about is what happened to him.this will happen again probably before eigteen and they'll just continue to keep it in the family cause hes a victim not us

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No - I never said that.
I said you can not be held responsible at all.
He cannot be held totally responsible (aka is still partially responsible)
The one who abused him is totally responsible.

Which amounts to - both of you are victims - you the most innocent victim of all

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Now - as to if it will happen again, if he doesn't get counseling in all likelihood yes it will. If his abuser is still being allowed to abuse him, yes in all likelihood it will. At this moment in time - until he reaches 18 - it is his parent or guardian who has to seek counseling for him so he is at their mercy, which has a potential to either help or scar him for life. Even if he gets counseling, if the abuse was extensive enough there is a risk it may happen again. Because of those reasons - you and your cousin n anyone else who has been or could potentially be hurt by him should stay away til he has been properly treated n shown improvement. Both of you should get counseling to help you heal. You are both victims to sexual assault and need to be able to deal with it in a healthy way and a safe atmosphere.