Never Safe

Yesterday I texted my dad to ask him about a short time that I live with my grandparents. I love and miss them so much, they passed many years ago.

He connected a couple things I remember from early childhood but had no real time frame so didn't connect them as being during the same time frame. I was about 4 years old, maybe even 3. These are things that I already knew so it wasn't a surprise or anything. Dad said I remember a whole lot more than he ever expected.

But then he told me about how when I was still with my mother, before he got custody, within that same time frame that I have some memories of, within a 6 month time frame. He said she had take off from her mothers house with me and my sister without telling anyone where she was going, moved in with some man out it the desert. I remember some of this. Dad said during our time there, there was a shoot out with police and the boyfriend, the house was surrounded by police, loudspeakers telling him to come out with his hands up, etc. Apparently he and all the people hanging out at the house were all convicted felons, with a house full of guns and some sort of illegal activity going on.

After Dad got us, we were pretty happy together. Things were safe, he was a born again Christian so no more drugs, no more trouble. Then he met and married my SM. She was physically and emotionally/verbally abusive. Then my safety and security was gone again.

How anyone can ever question my overwhelming need to feel safe.....

I relate to that but I come by it in a different way. I was taught that the world wasn't safe and that I was only safe with my abuser, my dad. He was my "protector" and I was too weak and helpless to it alone. When I left home and started dating I kept looking for partners who could take care of everything, who were incredibly independent, high self esteem, charming, generally competent, mature. And while they were great people I wasn't actually learning to stand on my own two feet and have those qualities myself. Nothing felt safe. I felt adrift in a world that was unpredictable and dangerous. Panic attacks abound. Which was great to my father, he wanted me to run to his side, to be dependent on him so he could continue the abuse.

I still can't really tap into a feeling that I'm a self-sufficient adult. I don't feel accomplished even though I'm 32 and have published multiple books and have several graduate degrees. I feel like I'm still in the dress rehearsal, not the real deal.

I think the only way I feel safe now is by having a predictable routine. When it's disrupted, I'm almost paralyzed. I'm not spontaneous at all!

I know star! I am not spontaneous either! I plan everything out, even when I have to get gas in the car. I cant tell you how many times I have run out of gas, cause it was on E and I hadn't planned ahead of time to get gas, or was in a part of town I had never gotten gas in and couldn't bring myself to stop because I hadn't planned it ahead of time! Its a little ridiculous.

You want to talk ridiculous? I do that when I have to pee! I feel like such an idiot telling someone, "But I can't pee in that gas station ... I just can't!"

Well, now I feel a little better! Peeing is a must.