[SweetCrusader]

I have another question for everyone. Recently, I've been uncovering a lot of feelings and some memories that I had buried pretty deep. I haven't been able to feel much. I can picture getting hit and kicked and yelled at and have no feelings about it. But lately, those feelings are coming back just a little at a time. One feeling I'm really struggling with is anger. I have SO MUCH anger that I'm afraid if I ever allowed myself to really feel it, I could never get it back under control. I wonder if it's necessary to feel the full force of my anger in order to work through it or not.

My T says this is an "introject," an internalized representation of my abuser. I agree with her. But I don't know what to do about it! And I don't know when my next session will be, so I can talk about it (I don't go regularly because I have to travel to get to her). It might be several weeks before I get in for another session.

I feel this powerful rage! I am a very nonviolent person, and I keep having dreams where I want to be violent! I'm a former self-injurer and I worry that I'm going to end up hurting myself again if I don't find a way to deal! In my dreams, this is what it always seems to come down to- hurting myself to vent those awful feelings. I DON'T want to go there again.

How do you all deal with your anger? Do you experience that kind of anger in response to your abuse? Do you also shut it out sometimes? When you feel it, how do you cope with it?

SweetCrusader

"Blessed be the cracked, for they let in the light"
-Author Unknown

[Rapunzel]

That is a really good question. I wish that I had some answers to that - looking forward to what everyone can come up with. When I was about ten years old, I remember observing that I had so much anger built up and there was no place for it to go. I asked my mother how to deal with it, and she didn't have any answers, so I just internalized it. Yeah, I deny it, sometimes for years at a time, and when it surfaces it ain't pretty. It doesn't stay out of control though.

You know, I think that what you are doing is probably the best. Acknowleging that the anger is there, and why it is there and the form that it takes, and talking about it. Beyond that, there is always punching pillows, exercise, writing, art, and other similar ways to express yourself and to work out that energy.

Stay safe, and please let me know what you find out.
Wendy

<font color=orange>"If we are going to insist that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, we must ensure that they have boots."</font color=orange>

[alm15]

Hi Sweet! This is a good question. Let's see.. I've done free writing. I just write and write and don't think about it. Or I try non-dominant writing. I've ripped up newspapers, phonebooks, ran. I even went into the woods, picked up a small branch and beat the tar out of some trees. then there's the hitting pillow thing. The other thing that really worked was screaming into my pillow as loud as I could. That was a good one!There's a new technique I've learned for integrating stuff. Tap your right hand, on the pinky side of your hand down by the palm, on the side with your left hand. It connects both sides of the brain and centers you. Soem of these ideas were too intense to do by myself. You'll have to try and see what works for you. Good luck! Annie

[bug]

Anger. That is a very good question. Of course, the answer is going to be different for each person who encounters it. Personally, I avoid all types of confrontations. Just thinking about it gives me the worse kind of stomach ache and keeps me up nights. After I started allowing myself to think about the abuse I went through as a child I found that working those large muscle groups helped the most. It isn't really self injurey but after you cut grass, pull weeds, dig holes, or in bad weather, clean carpets and bathrooms... anyway, you get the idea. You will be too tired and sore to worry about much else. The problem with this, at least for me, is getting to the point where I am willing to get rid of my feelings. Sometimes I just wollow in them. That is never a good idea. I have been told that I need to confront my abusers, that would be my brother, my mother, my ex-husband, (who died last year)
My brother is very ill, my father just died and I am living next door to my mother. Confrontation just is not an option for me. I really hope you can find an answer that works for you. It takes practice even after you do find an answer. I suppose it is appropriate to say that it has to be a choice we make to deal with the feeling in a positive way. They are after all, a part of us. We have to accept that and still love ourselves afterward. I spent years and years feeling guilty every time I felt that kind of anger. It poisened me for all that time. Guilt is the poisen, not the anger. Well, I guess thats all I have to say, for now. I still love coming here. love ya
BUG