[bug]

This is my first post. it has taken me forever just to learn my way around this site. I was so happy just o find the button that allowed me to post my story. I am going to do just that and I would love to hear from anyone of you with comments. (I think ) here goes...
MY STORY OF ABUSE IS NOT AN EASY ONE FOR ME TO EVEN WRITE ABOUT.
MY EARLIEST MEMORY OF ABUSE IS WHEN I WAS
ABOUT 7. MY BROTHER WAS 5 YEARS OLDER THEN ME.
HE SEEMED TO HAVE AN UNUSUAL INTEREST IN THE
FEMALE ANATOMY FOR A 12 YEAR OLD.
HE WAS ALWAYS TRYING TO GET IN THE SHOWER WITH
ME, HE WOULD SAY JUST TO LOOK, BUT HE ALWAYS
WENT FATHER THEN THAT. THEN HE WOULD BRIBE ME
WITH CANDY MONEY, COLORED PENCILS, ANYTHING HE
THOUGHT I WOULD WAN,T NOT TO TELL MOM AND DAD.
MY FATHER WAS AN AIR FORCE SARGENT AND VERY
STRICT. HE WAS ALSO VERY PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE TO
MY BROTHERS. (BOTH OF THEM WERE OLDER THEN ME
BUT THE YOUNGER ONE NEVER BOTHERED ME) WHEN I
WAS 11 MY BROTHER RAPED ME. HE ACTUALLY TALKED
ME INTO LETTING HIM "DO SOMETHING" . i DID NOT
KNOW WHAT HE WAS GOING TO DO AND HE PUT A
PILLOW OVER MY FACE TO KEEP ME FROM SEEING. i
REMEMBER PAIN, AND SCREAMING FOR HIM TO STOP.
HE DID, I SAW HIM HOLDING HIS PENIS AND SEMEN
POURING FROM IT. I THOUGHT HE WAS HURT. I WAS A
VERY DUMB 11 YEAR OLD. HE TOLD ME WAS THE STUFF
WAS AND THAT IT MADE BABIES. I ASKED HIM IF I WAS
GOING TO HAVE A BABY. HE SKED ME WHEN MY LAST
PERIOD WAS. I STARTED THAT SAME YEAR. I TOLD HIM.
HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING. ID DIDN'T WANT HIM TO
TOUCH ME ANYMORE AFTER THAT. HE WROTE NOTES
ASKING ME TO LET HIM DO IT AGAIN. THE NOTES WERE
VERY CRUDE. I FINALLY, AFTER A GREAT DEAL OF
TURMOIL, DECIDED TO GO TO MY MOTHER. I GAVE HER
THE NOTES AND ASKED HER TO MAKE HIM LEAVE ME
ALONE. I CAN STILL SEE HER STANDING BEFORE THE
BATHROOM MIRROR TALKING TO ME. SHE TOLD ME
THAT I COULD NOT TELL ANYONE WHAT HE HAD DONE.
THAT IF MY DAD FOUND OUT HE WOULD KILL MY
BROTHER. SHE TOLD ME SOME STORY ABOUT MY DAD
BEING ADOPTED AND THAT HIS MOTHER HAD BEEN
RAPED AND THAT BECAUSE OF THAT I HAD TO KEEP
WHAT MY BROTHER DID A SECRET. I DID JUST THAT.
FOR 27 YEARS.
I CAME TO REALIZE THAT EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE HAD
BEEN AFFECTED BY WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO ME. I WAS
RAPED AGAIN WHEN I WAS 14. I DIDN'T TELL. I
MARRIED AT 17. MY HUSBAND WAS VERY UPSET TO FIND
OUT THAT I WAS NOT A VIRGIN. HE RAPED ME AFTER
THAT FOR YEARS. I DIDN'T TELL. HE WAS A DRUNK AND
A TERRIBLE FATHER, I DIDN'T TELL. NO ONE IN MY LIFE
KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT ME. I DIDN'T TELL ANYONE
ANYTHING. I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I GOT
PREGENT I PRAYED AND PRAYED FOR A GIRL. I WANTED
TO HAVE A GIRL FIRST SO SHE WOULD NOT HAVE AN
OLDER BROTHER. I GOT MY WISH. I HAD A BOY NEXT
BUT I WAS ALWAYS AFRAID FOR THEM TO BE ALONE. I
TRIED NOT TO LET WHAT HAPPENED TO ME AFFECT
THEM BUT I KNOW IT DID.
IF I MAY JUMP AHEAD NOW, WHEN I WAS 43 I WENT TO A
BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR MY BROTHER. YOU SEE I HAD
MAINTAINED A FAIRLY NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WITH
HIM OVER THE YEARS. HE ACTED LIKE IT NEVER
HAPPENED AND SINCE NO ONE KNEW, I TRIED TO DO
THE SAME THING. MY BROTHER WAS A DRUNK TOO. AT
THIS PARTY I OVER HEARD HIM TALKING TO A GIRL AND
POINTING AT ME, HE TOLD HER AS HE LAUGHED THAT
HE AND I USE TO PLAY DOCTOR. I FELT MY WHOLE
WORLD CRASHING DOWN. AFTER THAT I COULD NO
LONGER KEEP THE SECRET. I ASKED MY HUSBAND TO
LEAVE. I HAD HAD ENOUGH OF HIS CRAP. A FEW DAYS
LATER MY MOTHER ASKED ME TO LOOK IN ON MY
BROTHER BECAUSE HE WAS HAVING SURGERY. I TOLD
HER TO FORGET IT. I DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO
WITH HIM AND REMINDED HER OF WHAT HE HAD DONE
TO ME AS A CHILD AND TOLD HER WHAT HE SAID AT
THAT PARTY. MY DAD FOUND OUT! ALL HELL BROKE
LOSE. OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS FOUND OUT. NOW THE
WHOLE FAMILY KNOWS
THE PROBLEM IS, AFTER THE GENERAL SHOCK,
EVERYONE ACTS AS IF I SHOULD LET IT GO AND FORGIVE
HIM. THAT IS, EVERYONE EXCEPT MY KIDS AND MY NEW
HUSBAND. YOU SEE,MY BROTHER HAS LUEKEMIA NOW.
MY MOM ACTS AS IF THAT SHOULD MAKE ALL THE REST
GO AWAY. MY AUNT WANTS THE FAMILY TO BE
TOGETHER AND SHE SEEMS TO THINK I AM THE ONE
KEEPING THAT FROM HAPPENING. I GET SO ANGRY
WHEN I THINK OF WHAT HE DID AND HIS ATTITUDE
ABOUT IT ALL. HE DENIES EVERYTHING, AND EVEN MY
MOM CLAIMS SHE CAN'T REMEMBER ALL OF IT. I KNOW
BETTER THEN THAT. I SPENT YEARS AND YEARS
THINKING IT WAS ALL MY FAULT. THAT I GOT MY
BROTHER IN TROUBLE AND I HAD TO PROTECT HIM. IT
WASN'T UNTIL MY OWN KIDS STARTED TO GROW UP
THAT I WONDERED HOW MY MOTHER COULD HAVE
DONE WHAT SHE DID. AS A MOTHER, HOW COULD SHE
HAVE DONE THAT TO ME.
ANYWAY, I NOW LIVE NEXT DOOR TO MY MOTHER, MY
FATHER DIED IN JANUARY. MY MOTHER NEEDS ME TO
TAKE CARE OF HER. MY BROTHER LIVES IN FLORIDA
AND WE NEVER SEE HIM. MOM TALKS TO ME ABOUT
HIM ALL THE TIME AND I JUST IGNORE HER. I KNOW
SHE WANTS ME TO FORGET ABOUT IT ALL. I CAN'T DO
IT! I SPENT ABOUT 20 YEAR IN CHURCH TRING TO
FORGIVE MYSELF AND MY BROTHER. THAT NEVER
WORKED. ALL I DID WAS COME AWAY WITH A MAJOR
GUILT TRIP. I DON'T GO TO CHURCH ANYMORE.
IF ANYONE OUT THERE HAS ANY COMMENTS I WOULD
WELCOME THEM. (I THINK ) I'LL WRITE MORE LATER.
THIS IS A FIRST FOR ME. I DON'T SHARE MY FEELING
OFTEN.

[Rapunzel]

Bug,

Have you had any therapy to deal with this? I'm sorry that it happened to you. The thing that jumps out at me from your story is, "I was a pretty stupid eleven-year-old." So was I, at least that was how I felt when I remembered. That's how old I was too, but at the time I didn't understand what happened. It was the landlord, who lived across the hall from us and was old enough to be my grandfather. In fact, that was how they were introduced to us, "Come meet your new grandparents!" All he did was touch me inappropriately, under a blanket. I didn't understand what he was trying to do. They always invited us over to watch the circus on TV, since we only had a little black and white TV set, and theirs was color. And he always asked me to sit next to him. It was probably only 2 or 3 times. His wife was sitting on the other side of him, and my whole family was in the room, watching the circus on TV. My father was in the Air Force, and we were stationed in Spain, and I chalked it up to cultural difference. And besides, I was so starved for affection and approval that I would take it any way I could get it. Then one day my mother told us that we couldn't go over and watch the circus anymore. The landlady had told her something that she didn't understand due to the language barrier, but she thought it was about her husband, not sure if it was that he was bad, sick, old, or cold. When I remembered what had happened years later, then I understood what she meant.

I repressed that memory, never having told anyone (in fact, I've tried to tell someone as an adult and this is the first time that I have - I just couldn't say it), and remembered it all of a sudden when I was about 25. When I remembered, I was ashamed and disgusted, and thought I was so stupid at 11 years old not to know what that was, and to let him do it. When he asked if I liked it, I said yes. That's what I feel the stupidest about.

But you know what? We were kids, and were victims of somebody else using us inappropriately for their own pleasure. People we trusted to look out for our best interests (more in your case) didn't watch out for our best interests. I think it is the violation of trust that hurts the most. As a child, you don't expect older people to hurt you or to ask you to pretend that you haven't been hurt. It's understandable to be angry with your mother - you had a right to expect her to help you. Many children who were abused feel as much or more anger towards the parent who stood by and didn't protect them as they do towards whoever it was that abused them. From her point of view, two of her children were in danger and she was afraid of what could happen. She probably didn't know what to do.

I'm sorry that you have had to live with this for so long, and I encourage you to get some therapy so that you can process the memory and heal. It still bothers you, and taking care of your mother and your brother being sick probably continue to open that wound for you.

Wishing You Well,
Wendy

<font color=orange>"If we are going to insist that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, we must ensure that they have boots."</font color=orange>

[inkblot]

Bug, we have so many similarities in our stories. My story involves my brother, a neighbor, a babysitter, my father, my ex-husband. These people either sexually or physically and verbally abused me. My mom also FORBADE me from telling my father what happened. Yet, she also told me that it never happened. And she said that he was drunk--he didn't know what he was doing. My heart really sank that she could say such things! I ran to my room and cried. I was also a "dumb" child about sex until I learned about it at school. Now as an adult, I know that those secret "games" with my brother were really just his way of being doing things to me. He never penetrated, but he pretended. Today my relationship really isn't all that great with my family. There is so much more. Don't feel alone. I've had very similar experiences as you. I had a PTSD reaction to things my exhusband did a couple years ago. I was told a year before about PTSD by my child's psychologist. I thought he was crazy! Gradually, I began to learn more about it and myself. Then from a trigger of my child going back to that same psychologist, the PTSD really hit me and I could no longer deny it to any extent. Have you had any counseling? It's something that you should look into if you haven't already. It helps to talk. This site is a great support system, too. Just writing a post helps you! It's so much easier sometimes to write your feelings. You are off to a great start, bug! Keep posting, okay? We can help each other get through the rough spots. {{{{{{{{{{{bug}}}}}}}}}}}

[bug]

thank you for the response. I really appreciate the openess of this site. I have never opened up before . It is so nice to know that I am not crazy or weak or stuborn. Other people feel the same way I do. I hope we can continue to talk about things. Feel free to write anytime. I look forward to hearing. I don't have many friends. I was an air force brat and never really learned to make long time friends. there is so much I want to finally share. I feel I can now. I have a place I can go. Thanx so much

[inkblot]

Glad to hear that!

My brother did it to me too. Only my sister knows, I haven't have the courage to tell my parents because my father is like yours and so is my mother.
Hung in there. It is ok to not feel anything beautiful for your brother, just don't let hate enter your heart. Let the good things fill your life... and just focus on them.
Ask for help if you feel you need it, and keep talking about it with us, or whomever you feel comfortable. Talking helps heal.

gab