[starryprince]

Hello all! I've written some threads on here before but I've been in a rut.

My mom told me that I should try and forgive my grandmother. My grandmother was pretty emotionally abusive when I was a kid and she did some things that count as sexual abuse but I'm still in denial because I don't see it as abuse.

Anyways, I was molested when I was 5 and my grandma finally found out the true story last summer. She said, "If you told us exactly what had happened, I would've told your mother to confront the person. I thought they would have accused you of lying, so I said it's best if we don't say anything".

There's a story on the news about a girl who was abused by her step dad but her mother didn't believe her when she was confronted about it. My grandmother got really mad and said that the mother should have confronted the stepdad and she couldn't believe that the mother would accuse her kid of lying and how she would have kicked the step dad out if she was the mother...and this all begs the question:

Why did she react that way when I was abused? Why was her immediate reaction to assume that my abuser would just say I was lying? Why didn't she do anything?

So now that she said that, I am struggling to forgive her. I want to forgive her because I want to put this all behind me and move on but I don't know if I can.

Any thoughts? Sorry if this is all discombobulated. I'm very confused.

[CANDC]

Only your grandmother knows why she reacted that way. She could have been abused as a child and never told anyone. Well your grandma is a standup person that will not tolerate abuse. Too many times victims are stigmatized and even intimidated not to talk by their abusers. Other victims are not believed.

It is not the victims fault that they are acting like a victim. It is the abuser's fault. But for healing now the best thing could be to move on with a therapist that specializes in surviving abuse.

[IrisBloom]

Forgiveness is for you, not the abuser. You don't even have to tell them or ever talk with them about it. In fact it probably wouldn't do any good because most people won't admit their wrong doing. In forgiving, you are NOT denying anything bad happened or making what they did all right. You are ridding yourself of toxic emotions. It is a hard process. You have to decide to forgive or not. But I guarantee once you do forgive you will have a lighter heart. All the negativity and bad feelings carry a lot of weight. I have had to deal with this with both of my parents, separately. PM me if I can help you with this.

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by CANDC

Only your grandmother knows why she reacted that way. She could have been abused as a child and never told anyone. Well your grandma is a standup person that will not tolerate abuse. Too many times victims are stigmatized and even intimidated not to talk by their abusers. Other victims are not believed.

It is not the victims fault that they are acting like a victim. It is the abuser's fault. But for healing now the best thing could be to move on with a therapist that specializes in surviving abuse.

Yea, my grandma was physically abused badly but back then it wasn't abuse. It was discipline, sadly. =( But I was just wondering why she reacted that way over a person in the news and not like that over me. And yea, I'm seeing a therapist. I don't see them till next week and I just wanted to get the feelings out. ^__^;;

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by IrisBloom

Forgiveness is for you, not the abuser. You don't even have to tell them or ever talk with them about it. In fact it probably wouldn't do any good because most people won't admit their wrong doing. In forgiving, you are NOT denying anything bad happened or making what they did all right. You are ridding yourself of toxic emotions. It is a hard process. You have to decide to forgive or not. But I guarantee once you do forgive you will have a lighter heart. All the negativity and bad feelings carry a lot of weight. I have had to deal with this with both of my parents, separately. PM me if I can help you with this.

Thanks so much for this! That's what my mom said, that forgiving someone means ridding yourself of bad feelings, not denying that anything bad happened. I forgive her for some things but it's hard to forgive her for everything. I will take your advice.

[Soy bien]

My mom is the same way. When I was growing up, I was severely physically abused by my father, yet when she hears news stories about child abuse; she says that she would divorce any man who hurt her kids. She often denies that the abuse ever even happened. She also had very strict rules for me and my siblings, yet denies getting us in trouble just for acting like kids. I think it has a lot to do with narcissism in my mom's case. She can't ever admit when she's wrong. Sorry that happened to you.

[2B/-2B]

Fear in a person can make them do irrational things. We are not immune to fear. We all are victims of our own fears.

When I was five, my mother was too scared to interfere when my father physically abused me to the point of not being able to walk for several days. I should have been hospitalized. But even then, fear stopped my mother taking me to medical care.

In community service, I have come across a lot of people who rather stay with an abuser than to be alone.
I have heard people say to me, while brandishing a broken nose and two black eyes, "But he loves me! He cares enough to correct me".
These are twisted beliefs taken on-board to make sense of what is happening. Though, from the outside, it does not make sense.

Fear can be a powerful motive to twist one's beliefs to accommodate it. Fear is a deception that can blind people to their morals, ethics, truths, etc.

I found that the best way for me to accept those situations is to realize how my own fears have twisted my thinking in the past. Then I can identify with the insanity of it. From these realization (truths) I am better equipped to deal with it.

Hope this helps.

[ChipperMonkey]

You can get rid of bad feelings without forgiving.

Forgiving someone who isn't apologetic makes you a doormat for them to walk on over and over again.

I was able to let go of the anger etc toward my abuser. It will be a cold day in h--- before I forgive her. It's not my job to do so. I am not going to be further victimized by forgiving someone who isn't sorry for what they did.

It's interesting how everyone contorts forgiveness based on their own personal agenda. One day it's about them (people begging for forgiveness), the next day it's about you (God says you must forgive-----i.e. religious bs. Fwiw I'm Christian and my priest says that God doesn't want us to dole out automatic forgiveness.)

[2B/-2B]

Just to let you know that it is possible to forgive others and never let them abuse you again.

I had a lot of trouble with Forgiveness, and still do whenever I forget to let go of my old understanding of it.

Forgiveness is not about forgiving another person, it is about self-forgiveness for wanting compensation - to punish and return the abuse (so to speak).
Forgiveness is about letting go of revenge - such as needing others to apologize.
Forgiveness is not about condoning, excusing, or pardoning the abuser. That is not for us to do.
The truth (and law) and the abuser's own admittance (forgiveness), repentance, etc does that.

Forgiving others only comes from self-forgiveness. For me, it is identifying with the fear that is in us all. We are all victims to it.

Forgiveness without self-forgiveness still makes ourselves vulnerable to abuse.

Forgiveness is not mandatory, it is optional. When, if, how is completely individual. For some, trying to forgive brings about good things. For others, it only leads to more dysfunction.

And, I'm realizing people get too hung up on the actual word "forgiveness." Isn't the basic goal to get to a place of acceptance or OK-ness? Not the "I accept you and all the horrid things you did and let's go on vacation together and oh, let me give you a big fat hug. Gee, you're great." Rather,"The abuse really sucked, but it is no longer going to hold merciless power over me. I am going to allow light into my life. I deserve it. Irrespective of the abuser."

Now, if you are curious and truly seeking to understand why your grandmother responded the way she did, you could ask her. Not in a confrontation way, but more like, "Grandma, remember the other day when we were watching the news and there was the news story about that abused girl? I've been thinking about and am curious about your response. I'm trying to understand . . . I found myself rather hurt by that, but I'm open to hearing your perspective." Could open a can of worms, could bring about some honest conversation, could be futile, I don't know. But, it IS an option.