I need a place to put my thoughts late at night like this when I'm too scared to sleep because of the bad memories and too tired to write these out in my journal

I don't want any responses to these this is just my venting and rambling, I feel weird seeing my semi-psychotic vents in the schizophrenia forum. Most of the time they are me trying to process flashbacks and failing miserably so here is a place where I'm going to keep all of the ramblings

I wasn't sure if this belonged in PTSD or here
But if this is in the wrong place I don't care if it gets mOved

I'm trying to understand

Possible trigger:

What is attractive about a 14 year old?

Sometimes I just want to ****ing light myself on fire to burn off the sensation of him touching me
He wasn't human no man should ever be attracted to a 14 year old. Ever.
Something was wrong but I didn't see it. I fell for the age is just a number
I can still hear his voice; "you like it" but I didn't like it it hurt

Why after so many years can I still feel him in me?
I get so scared he's going to come back and hurt me and every night it's the same thing
Flashbacks flashbacks flashbacks flashbacks

Back to me year 2009. 14.
14 is an evil number. I wish 2009 never happened.

It's his fault, not human.
He was a monster.

Possible trigger:

Another nightmare
With my friends involved
He was raping me and. Y friends were here and hey we're laughing at me
They just stood there and laughed as it happened over and over and over and over and over Andover and over and over and over again in a never ending loop that I couldn't wake up fromfast enough

Hy does he haunt me?
Why can't he leave me alone

I feel like a coward sometimes
I'm on the outside of the window of my life and I'm looking in and seeing nothing because I'm not inside I'm outside and I'm banging on the window because I need someone to let me in

When I was sexually abused as a kid that was my uncle kickicking me out of the house of my life and when I was raped by my "boyfriend" that was him changing the locks

I'm stuck on the outside
Let me in!

Bad scare
Had a nightmare and woke up thinking I was pregnant with [i]his_i] baby
I was so scared then like life flashed before my eyes

[NoId]

Yes I am.

Don't freak out don't freak out don't freak out
This is what he wants what he wants
He wants to hurt m h wants me to be scared
Danger dangermaybe rad her her me
Not human not human evil man soul is split
14evik 14 ways 14 timea

Not good hiding

I wasn't sure if i should make this post in its own thread or if I should make it in Schizophrenia forum or if I should make it here

Im going to post it here just so I can collect my thoughts

I finally told my T about the rape, she knows it was rape but I was too scared to say aloud I was raped and now the voices (from schizophrenia) are going rampant telling me I am bad and I am evil and that bad things will happen because I told my T

I cant help it I'm super scared now
My T says that voices lie but they've been pretty accurate sometimes
I don't regret processing with my T but I am scared

Keep hearing his voice
Trying not to freak out right now I've been awake all night
It's nearly 3am

I feel disgusting like I will throw up
I'm such a disgusting human being

I feel gross tonight
Too many bad bad memories

I need to vent

Possible trigger:

I feel horribly disgusting today
I am probably the grossest, most messed up person on the planet
And not just because of the abuse but because of how the abuse affects me
Like I am just so disgusting
I hate how easily scared I am how one little trigger can keep me awake all night too scared to move from my bed even to pee
I hate how I find pleasure in really strange things
I hate how I am so stuck on the abuse that I cant seem to get it out of my mind
I hate how I have spent the last three days in a terrible fear of him coming back or him tracking my computer and my phone or of him finding me somehow
I hate using my phone because I'm scared every second he's tracking it and before I know it he'll be at my doorstep
I hate it I hate it H hateit I hate it I hate it

This proves he not human
Had a dream last night where i saw him but no one else could and he had buttons down this back

Feeling scared I don't know why he keeps showing up in my dreams