Hi everyone,

Please help... thank you so very much. So it seems I have a message posted on my forehead that says "Abuse Me". Seriously.

I'm also dealing with abuse at work from my boss.

It is all just so distressing..... why I keep running into these situations is beyond me.... I do stand up for myself, when I am disrespected. Does that invite more abuse? I do know from past experience that when you stand up for yourself to an abusive person, they just abuse more.

Well, my boss is no exception. She lambasted me last week for telling her I am unavailable to work over the holidays, during my paid time off. She became a raging bit*h towards me. Well, it was never communicated to me upon being hired that I would be expected to work on holidays, vacation days, and weekends if there is a promotion going on. (I work in marketing). Then, on top of that, it was never clearly communicated that I had to either assign out the task or do it myself, until just recently. But instead of simply communicating this calmly and clearly to me, she lambasted me entirely about it, and was a complete bit*h, which only just made me feel awful.

She does abuse me--- she constantly is disrespectful towards me, she snaps at me all the time and humiliates me in front of co-workers.... she mistreats me, which I interpret as abuse.

I just don't understand why this keeps happening in my life, over and over and over again... which is probably a separate thread altogether....

I am a nice person.... I have a good heart, and I treat others with respect, dignity and kindness. I am very compassionate and caring... and I am a good friend to those who are close to me. I am a people pleasing type... I bend over backwards to please.. and don't like conflict or when someone is displeased with me. I work very hard in my job..... I believe in doing high quality work. I care a lot.... I'm nice to everyone I meet. I've been accused of being "too nice" in fact.

But why do I deserve abuse from so many people? What the heck??? I just don't get it.

Bosses, boyfriends, online... the list is ongoing. I've had several abusive bosses in my life. The pattern keeps repeating itself. I am no doormat, though...

does anyone have any answers for me as to why this keeps happening? Are there certain types of people that abusers like to target and am I one of them??

I just want to give up.. I'm so done with being abused. It's not fair, it;s not right. I don't get it. Please enlighten me. Thank you so very much for reading!

[CopperStar]

It's about the balance of power. If abusers recognize that they have power over you, then they will abuse you.

If you seem emotionally incapable of protecting of yourself, then that is a sign that abusers can have power over you if they seize the opportunity.

In some cases though it could be literal or financial power. Your boss sees that you endure the abuse and yet keep coming back, and thus assumes that you must really need the job. Which means that your boss has the power.

Standing up for yourself with words is a good start, but without action it is pretty pointless. Sometimes you really do lack power in a situation, though, such as if you can't afford to quit the job.

Thank you so much, CopperStar, for your reply and insights! That's very helpful...

Thing is though, I can defend myself and always do in the face of abuse. But abusers somehow sense a vulnerability in me.. maybe it's my extreme sensitivity.. or maybe my need to please others and be liked... maybe they sense that they can easily wound and hurt me because I am so very sensitive?

But I think you're onto something... even though I do protect myself, ie, I stand up for myself and push back when I need to, they must sense that I cannot, as you're saying.

With my boss, yes, she knows I cannot just leave my job. So she does have the power over me.... I do stand up to her too, though, and defend myself whenever she tries to accuse and blame me of something I am not responsible for....

I don't know.... just wish it would stop happening.... I need to be tougher.. or exude a tougher exterior.. kind of like don't F with me kind of attitude. I just don't have it fully.

I need some advice here, please. It was recommended to me that I confront my boss about her disrespectful treatment of me.... and that I tell her how it makes me feel. I could use "When you do this, I feel" statements; thing is, I confronted a boss in the past about her disrespect towards me, and it COMPLETELY backfired... I mean completely! She started yelling at me! Then as a result, I decided to quit my job, determining that it was a hostile work environment that could no longer be tolerated.

I would have to be super careful with my wording and approach... very diplomatic and professional. I just don't know how to go about it.

I did already try to broach the subject over a month ago --- I wrote a note telling her that issues had arisen which I wanted to discuss and resolve that were making my job and morale in the company difficult --- I intended to discuss her treatment of me in that discussion, which she has completely blown off entirely! She never responded to my note, and we haven't been on the phone in a meeting in God knows how long.

I work remotely --- so everything is communicated online. We're supposed to have "weekly" meetings and haven't in months. When I tell her that I need to communicate more by phone, she ignores it.

So I am left with online communications. I need to get her on the phone soon though....

Any advice on how to approach a difficult boss???

Thank you so very much!

[Open Eyes]

It sounds like your boss takes her stress out on others. It doesn't matter to her what you were told when you got hired, even that you were on paid vacation, all she cares about is covering the work that needs to get done and how it affects "her" if it isn't done.

It isn't always you, often it is how others behave and deal with their stress and just happen to take things out on you.

There is this doll called the "dammit doll", my daughter has one and it's just a stuffed odd looking doll that when stressed/angered you can wack it around. Well, it looks like your boss uses you as her dammit doll. And if it was not you, she would do that with someone else, because she doesn't care about you, she cares about her own job security.

[Open Eyes]

You need to know your job discription. And she needs to know she can't bully you and that you have boundaries. When you engage her otherwise and bring things up to her, all she is encouraged to do is blow you off. You already know she is not interested in hearing your POV right? Well, then just set boundaries with her and that is it, don't feed into her BS.

You are a pleasant respectful person, she is not so you can be pleasant and set boundaries where if she treats you badly you ignore her. She seems like the kind of person who learned to get her way by drama and bullying. Don't allow her to engage in that behavior with you, stay professional.

Open Eyes, have I told you yet how great you are? You're so wonderfully supportive. I appreciate all your words and help!

YES, my boss is a bully boss! And I am definitely her dammit doll, no doubt. Great description, fits so perfectly!

Unfortunately, she is the company owner, so it's not job security she's after, but I think it's power lording over someone else she's after -- like most bullies and abusive people. ARGH. I want to slap her one, it makes me so angry.

I do always remain professional, no matter what, so that's the good news, but her behavior (and snappiness towards me) irks me to no end --- she also LOVES to finger point and blame whenever anything is not done and it's even her own fault, and guess who gets the brunt of that blame? ME! Of course, given that I'm her dammit doll.

I'd like to confront her though -- how do I set boundaries without telling her directly that her treatment towards me is not OK? I can't exactly ignore her when she goes on one of her tirades.. like she did last week on me. I have to respond, and usually I find myself defending myself like some poor cornered animal fighting for their lives.

I'm also afraid of her at this point, and try to avoid contact with her as much as possible. I'm afraid of getting snapped at and demeaned in front of my co workers. I walk on egg shells now.... true sign of an abusive atmosphere.

So what should I actually say to her to set boundaries?

[Open Eyes]

Well, that can be hard when she is the company owner. Unfortunately, even company owners can have very poor people skills. Sometimes no matter what someone does a boss like that will still be difficult. What comes to mind is Veranda in "Devil wears Prada", no one was going to change Varanda, no one. Meryl really did a wonderful job playing that part, did you see it?

Funny you mention that movie, I'm watching it literally right now! LOL!

YES, My boss is like Miranda! Very much so! Demanding, intolerant, completely unreasonable, a tyrant, a terror, everyone's terrified of her... that's my boss! The ice queen I call her.

Maybe my only way is to just get out... I have 3 more months to endure before I can leave (I have to be there at least a year for the sake of my resume). UGH.

[Open Eyes]

Oh, Miranda was the name, yes. Well, you know what the girl working for her finally did do right?

I think it's important to know when to make that choice, and to do your best to try to find another job while still employed. That way you can put on your resume that you are still employed and would appreciate it if any new potential employer not inform your employer that you are looking for a new job. That would be wiser then you leaving and then having this current employer bad mouth you to get even to any potential new employer.

YEP! She threw the cell phone in the fountain and walked away from the ice queen! LOL! Then got a great reference anyways!

I can't do that though -- PHOOEY! LOL. You're right -- I need another position first before I can quit. Absolutely. Just 3 more months, 3 more months, 3 more months.. that's gotta be my new mantra. And I 100% need a good reference from this tyrant of a woman... absolutely. So I have to do anything and everything in my power to get that in the end.. that's also why I'm a little hesitant about confronting her ----- I want a great reference. And need it badly. I've walked away from other jobs and cannot use those as references, so this one is critical for me to have.

[Open Eyes]

Is it mostly women that have authority that you struggle with?

[nicoleflynn]

People who are abusive are excuciatingly insecure and they do it because momentarily they feel better, but it is an unending "job" for them. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life and sanity.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Is it mostly women that have authority that you struggle with?

Well, I've had three abusive female bosses, and one abusive male boss. Yep, four in total. I've been very unlucky. But yes, the majority has been female. The two before my current one were both insecure, lied a lot, and used me as a scapegoat. So I don't think it's me... or maybe it is?

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

People who are abusive are excuciatingly insecure and they do it because momentarily they feel better, but it is an unending "job" for them. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life and sanity.

Yes! Very very true! Maybe I'll look into the book you mentioned... sounds extremely useful if it literally saved your life and sanity! Thanks for mentioning it!

[Licorice15]

Hi, I hope things have gotten better for you. Your description of yourself sounds just like me. I had a bully boss this passed year for an 8 month internship. I just sucked it up bc it was an internship but it was a really difficult time. I did some research on dealing with bullies and one thing that I found worked to some degree was I made an extra effort to befriend and go out of my way for everyone else. I aligned myself with others around me and this increased my sense of power by how well liked I was by others and how much others appreciated me. I actually saw a turn around in how this mean boss treated me. She had acted exactly as you described yours. I don't get why people need to treat others badly - they should deal with their personal problems in a healthy way and not mistreat others. But that's not the real world unfortunately.
Even my husband mistreats me at times bc I am very kind, not a doormat similar to you, but it can be exhausting and unfair.

[abnormallady]

Hello there!

I too am learning how to deal with employees and bosses that are power-hungry and controlling. My therapist explained it as "pecking" order. If they are being controlled by someone higher up, they will find someone to control, which happens to be you. As someone has already explained, you probably aren't assertive and thus, give the impression to your boss that you'll take what she dishes out, even if you do stand up for yourself a bit.

My therapist just started teaching me a technique this past Friday that I will eventually be able to use with people who are treating me bad, or trying to get me to do something I don't want to do.

I figured you might could use this with your boss and see if it helps the dynamic any. It's a way of sticking up for yourself without being passive, nor aggressive, but ASSERTIVE. Here's the technique:

Passive------Assertive--------Aggressive

(Most people fall into an extreme, but Assertive is the healthy spot.)

1. State What They Think/Their Perspective (I understand that you...)
2. Explain the Mistake (However/But...)
3. Make a Request (I would like you to)

Example: The boss didn't schedule your vacation on the calendar and you know you put in for it a few weeks ago.

"Hey, I know you've been swamped with this project and have a lot on your plate, but I put in a request a few weeks ago to be off next week and noticed it wasn't on the calendar. Could you please correct the calendar to show my vacation? Thank you!"

This is an example of not being passive (taking the error and working) or aggressive (slamming the calendar down on the boss's desk and getting violent). It's a middle ground that establishes your power over the situation and shows the receiver that you are in control of yourself.

I hope this helps!