[Big Mama]

I'm not sure which forum to put this in. But I have been here a few years now, and I think most folks know my story. A quick run down foe anyone who is unfamiliar with what I have been threw, CSA, Rape, Spousal abuse. It has added up to PTSD and a end in my marriage. The issues I am trying to resolve at the moment are in hopes of reconciling or if nothing else freeing myself from my personal hell. I don't know what I answers I am looking for. I jsut need to be heard and acknowledged. If anyone has been through anything similar and has something to add please share with me either here or in PM.

I am reading a book suggested by someone here. It has been so helpful it is called "The Body Keeps the Score." The quote below is an insert form that book. I am using that quote to explain my situation.


Quote from The Body Keeps The Score - "It is natural for humans to calm themselves when upset by clinging to another person. This poses a problem for the individual who has been physically or sexually violated. They desperately crave touch while simultaneously being terrified of body contact. The mind needs to be reeducated to feel physical sensation, the body needs to be helped tolerate and then enjoy the comforts of touch" :End Quote.

That is me. So many times I have felt so alone, I just wanted someone to hold me and make it go away. It makes me uncomfortable to even say that. There have been times, whole groups of years gone by, where I have simply longed for someone to help me feel safe. (in the last 8 - 10 years) I'm not talking about during my childhood or teenage years. Just a warm embrace. But I could not allow that, I couldn't even ask for that, I couldn't receive that when someone tried.

The thought of someone doing that scares me. The thought of me participating in that is unimaginable. My H has hugged me, like when my horse died, I hated it. I hated the added sensations it offered on top of the pain I was already feeling. My H attempted to hug me and help me feel better when I was obviously upset. I couldn't accept his touches. That mad em feel terrible on top of how I was already feeling. I was in incredible pain emotionally. I wanted help, I wanted a release, I wanted to feel safety, but the touch sensation was more then I could bare.

For years I longed for a hug, just to let it all out. I can't even begin to explain the instinctual need one has to be hugged and how that feels. To want that and need that with every ounce of your being, and then to have it right there at your fingertips, if you would just ask. BUT you can't ask, you are unable to ask, unable to form the words. Unable to udder them. I COULD NOT say it. My body wouldn't let me. I couldn't say it to my own husband. (I know at the time he felt more like my persecutor then my husband.) But I had other sources of comfort and couldn't ask them either. My cousin, my brother in law, my family members. I just had the inability to ask for it,

The closest I could get to it was hugging a pillow at night when no one was around.There I could cry. It hurt so much. I had a horse who died about 5 years ago. He, my horse, was the only thing I could hug and really cry and it really be OK. You just knew he understood, you could feel it. A horse, much like a dog, can tell you when are sad or hurting emotionally and can tell what you need. They act upon that and you never have to ask. They mean no harm and will not tell and never ask for anything in return. That is the only time my needs were ever met in that way.

Over the years as my horse and other animals close to my heart have passed away and family members have passed away, I showed no sadness, no tears, no pain, even though I was dieing myself inside. I watched my H hug my sister after folks have passed way. I was envious of her. I wish I would find the relief she seemed to have the ability to feel. I simply cannot seem to let that happen.

Like I said I don't know what I am looking for, I jsut want to be heard and acknowledged mostly. If you have anything to add please do either here or in PM. Thank you for listening.

[AnaWhitney]

I just wanted to say that I am sorry for what you have been through and also thank you for being brave enough to write this post, reading it somehow made me feel less alone. And i wish there was something I could do to make you feel less alone

[Big Mama]

AnaWhitney - Thank you. Some days it means a lot jsut to be heard and understood. There is nothing anyone can do.

[Open Eyes]

(((Big Mama))),

It was very good that you were able to say all of that. Know that others can actually relate to what you describing too.

You have been through so much and you have not had very much time pass since you have been away from your husband. It's understandable that you feel numb, yet at the same time need a hug. When I joined PC I had never done anything like PC before and I loved the hug icons. I tend to give a lot of hugs because when I got them it helped me when I was doing a lot worse then what I had been saying.

One of the core challenges with PTSD is "fear" and it's not the kind of fear that people think of as being fear. I was overwhelmed emotionally when I experienced a post traumatic breakdown. I did not think anything would help and it was exhausting. The brain and the body remembers that so sometimes a person without realizing it develops a fear of being emotionally overwhelmed.

I needed hugs too, but I did not want them to be attached to anything. And a lot individuals that have been traumatized like you have begin to unknowingly feel guilty for needing because often they are treated like they don't deserve to have feelings and boundaries. That is why having animals, be it a horse or a dog or cat is helpful because animals don't disrespect boundaries like human beings do and as you have described they can provide comfort "safely".

It's good that you are talking about this ((((Big Mama)))).

[MobiusPsyche]

I can definitely relate to the hunger for a comforting touch as well as the fact that it can feel physically painful on top of the emotional pain you're already going through. Thank you for sharing and I hope you find some peace soon.

Sent from my mobile device using Tapatalk.

[ejayy78]

My heart hurts for you because while our situations aren't identical, I do understand where you are coming from and the quote you posted described me as well. I crave safe touch (a hug or even just someone patting my back) but when I receive such touch I tense up and want to get away because so for so much of my life, touch (my fathers touch, specifically) meant something awful.

I also understand not feeling or expressing emotions when people might "expect" you to. Sometimes I feel incredibly stupid because I can't name my feelings, or because I think I'm feeling the wrong thing. Im afraid that no matter how much therapy I have, I may never be able to express how I'm feeling well.

[Big Mama]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

One of the core challenges with PTSD is "fear" and it's not the kind of fear that people think of as being fear. I was overwhelmed emotionally when I experienced a post traumatic breakdown. It was exhausting. The brain and the body remembers that so sometimes a person without realizing it develops a fear of being emotionally overwhelmed.

A lot individuals that have been traumatized like you have begin to unknowingly feel guilty for needing because often they are treated like they don't deserve to have feelings and boundaries. That is why having animals, be it a horse or a dog or cat is helpful because animals don't disrespect boundaries like human beings do and as you have described they can provide comfort "safely".

It's good that you are talking about this ((((Big Mama)))).

OE thank you so much for your response. Touch is a fear like none I can describe. The yearning and hunger, the wanting and needing of something God made us as humans to desire and need in order to function is something that can can cause so many of us an issue. I can only explain that need for a physical connection as primal and instinctual. The need to be touched and soothed and calmed and loved is a need like no other. But the fear of is a fear greater and more paralyzing sensation then any I can even begin to describe.

I do feel guilty for having a need of others. Why does my need for human interaction and contact a concern of someone elses. If I need contact then I am putting my needs above someone elses. I have no right to have a need that demands the usage of someone elses body. I have no right to ask someone to give of "themselves" for the purpose of filling my need. I'm not talking sexual but just physical. I can't hold hands, I can't have someone touch my back or rub my shoulder. I can't have someone hug me. I can;t allow myself to give in to that need when I know I am on the brink of falling apart and someone wants to help me. I simply can't.

Somehow someway that primal need will be met. We are human. I get that need met by animals. I feel safe that way. They love unconditionally, ask for nothing in return, and never hurt you emotionally.

I do hope that others who have the same issue will realize they are not alone and that they will have the stregnth to seek help or to continue to push themselves to grow. It hurts to talk about this but so many things about trauma are left unsaid and people suffer needlessly and helplessly because they do not know they are not alone. There has been enough suffering already no need to add one more thing to that list of harm done and ways human suffering has become so unbearable.

[Big Mama]

Originally Posted by ejayy78

My heart hurts for you because while our situations aren't identical, I do understand where you are coming from and the quote you posted described me as well. I crave safe touch (a hug or even just someone patting my back) but when I receive such touch I tense up and want to get away because so for so much of my life, touch (my fathers touch, specifically) meant something awful.

I also understand not feeling or expressing emotions when people might "expect" you to. Sometimes I feel incredibly stupid because I can't name my feelings, or because I think I'm feeling the wrong thing. Im afraid that no matter how much therapy I have, I may never be able to express how I'm feeling well.

Oh my gosh. You are right. We must be twins. You sound exactly like me. I am hyper sensitive to touch that is for sure.

I remember the one time my husband did persist in hugging me, and Lord knows I needed it because I was absolutely melting in front of him. I was just turning into a big puddle of tears, he hugged me and when I tried to get away from him he continued to hold me, that should have been a positive moment. But it wasn't. Instead I pushed him away with a stregnth I have never had before and yelled at him "Don't touch me, I hate you." I heard me say it. I didn't say it, but I could hear "ME" saying it. It was horrible. But deep down inside I was not talking to him, I was talking to my abuser. I can't begin to explain how it feels to be in that position. There are jsut no words to explain how it feels in that moment you think one person is someone else.

I'm the same way, I can't give most of my feelings names. I have gone online though and printed out a copy of one of those emotion charts for kids. It does help to have a facial feature and a emotion to go with it. That is what I have done to help me to begin to give feelings names. I tend to over react all the time. Everything feels like it is x10 or x 100. A slightly elevated voice feels like a yell. A angry undertone feels like a furious wrath to me.

Therapy does help, i am working in therapy right now to change these ways of thinking. It is difficult and exhausting, but if I am able to come out of this victorious it will have been worth every ounce of pain. Good luck to you on your journey. I hope you find the peace you are looking for one day.

[Open Eyes]

This is an interesting article Big Mama. I like the "name it to tame it" that is discussed and it is what you are working on which is important to making progress in your healing.

Trauma, Differentiation and Integration, and Neuropsychology | The Recovery Expert

You had been trying to express a lot of the challenges you were having and yet at the same time you were not sure what to do about it. You are a good person Big Mama and you tried to be a good person yet you were faced with behaviors in your husband where he would struggle himself and take it out on you. Your husband had a Jeckle and Hyde and when you live with someone like that it's very hard to have a healthy sense of trust, especially when it comes to any kind of intimacy including a hug. It is very hard to live with someone who can be so caring one minute and then become so demanding, intrusive and disrespectful and even mean the next.

When you talk about needing a hug and yet being so uncomfortable with getting hugs, it is totally understandable given how you have been hurt when it comes to feeling "safe" when it comes to someone else embracing you which is a very big deal when it comes to personal boundaries.

When you talk about life scenarios where you see others get comfort and hugs and how it makes you wish you could accept that kind of comfort what you are saying with that is that you don't know how to feel safe and that was never because you did not deserve to feel safe, but to you that is how it feels. You need to be able to talk about that and at the very least feel safe enough to do so. However, at the same time it's important that you feel safe enough doing so where you don't face someone else responding to that with some kind of simple "well just, or don't allow" kind of statement that is not recognizing the significance of the challenge you are experiencing. And having other sources, family to "ask" as you have mentioned, and yet not asking, well, I have experienced that challenge myself and it was mainly because I did not want to have the response of "well, just or you can't allow or even well, what did you expect which is a new one that I find hurtful and a crusher when I need to vent".

I can relate to needing to vent, but being at a loss of what I want when I do so. However, I slowly have come to recognize what I don't want and that is important to recognize too.

You have created distance from your husband that kept you in his cycle of being Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. It has not been very long that you have had that space Big Mama.
You were trying to get help and figure things out before, but that cycle was still there to deal with. Be very patient with yourself right now because it's going to take you time to adjust so you begin to gain a distance from that cycle psychologically where you are consciously more aware that you are not on that psychological time clock.

[lostinsidemyself]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I'm not sure which forum to put this in. But I have been here a few years now, and I think most folks know my story. A quick run down foe anyone who is unfamiliar with what I have been threw, CSA, Rape, Spousal abuse. It has added up to PTSD and a end in my marriage. The issues I am trying to resolve at the moment are in hopes of reconciling or if nothing else freeing myself from my personal hell. I don't know what I answers I am looking for. I jsut need to be heard and acknowledged. If anyone has been through anything similar and has something to add please share with me either here or in PM.

I am reading a book suggested by someone here. It has been so helpful it is called "The Body Keeps the Score." The quote below is an insert form that book. I am using that quote to explain my situation.


Quote from The Body Keeps The Score - "It is natural for humans to calm themselves when upset by clinging to another person. This poses a problem for the individual who has been physically or sexually violated. They desperately crave touch while simultaneously being terrified of body contact. The mind needs to be reeducated to feel physical sensation, the body needs to be helped tolerate and then enjoy the comforts of touch" :End Quote.

That is me. So many times I have felt so alone, I just wanted someone to hold me and make it go away. It makes me uncomfortable to even say that. There have been times, whole groups of years gone by, where I have simply longed for someone to help me feel safe. (in the last 8 - 10 years) I'm not talking about during my childhood or teenage years. Just a warm embrace. But I could not allow that, I couldn't even ask for that, I couldn't receive that when someone tried.

The thought of someone doing that scares me. The thought of me participating in that is unimaginable. My H has hugged me, like when my horse died, I hated it. I hated the added sensations it offered on top of the pain I was already feeling. My H attempted to hug me and help me feel better when I was obviously upset. I couldn't accept his touches. That mad em feel terrible on top of how I was already feeling. I was in incredible pain emotionally. I wanted help, I wanted a release, I wanted to feel safety, but the touch sensation was more then I could bare.

For years I longed for a hug, just to let it all out. I can't even begin to explain the instinctual need one has to be hugged and how that feels. To want that and need that with every ounce of your being, and then to have it right there at your fingertips, if you would just ask. BUT you can't ask, you are unable to ask, unable to form the words. Unable to udder them. I COULD NOT say it. My body wouldn't let me. I couldn't say it to my own husband. (I know at the time he felt more like my persecutor then my husband.) But I had other sources of comfort and couldn't ask them either. My cousin, my brother in law, my family members. I just had the inability to ask for it,

The closest I could get to it was hugging a pillow at night when no one was around.There I could cry. It hurt so much. I had a horse who died about 5 years ago. He, my horse, was the only thing I could hug and really cry and it really be OK. You just knew he understood, you could feel it. A horse, much like a dog, can tell you when are sad or hurting emotionally and can tell what you need. They act upon that and you never have to ask. They mean no harm and will not tell and never ask for anything in return. That is the only time my needs were ever met in that way.

Over the years as my horse and other animals close to my heart have passed away and family members have passed away, I showed no sadness, no tears, no pain, even though I was dieing myself inside. I watched my H hug my sister after folks have passed way. I was envious of her. I wish I would find the relief she seemed to have the ability to feel. I simply cannot seem to let that happen.

Like I said I don't know what I am looking for, I jsut want to be heard and acknowledged mostly. If you have anything to add please do either here or in PM. Thank you for listening.

You are NOT alone, at all!

Actually reading "It is natural for humans to calm themselves when upset by clinging to another person." Is sending my mind into OMG mode but I also LONG SO BAD to be held but when someone even touches my shoulder i jump.

I also feel VERY numb to my past, i also have never cried at a funeral...or in general.

Its actually why my family doesnt believe me about my past, when i speak about it im flat toned, no emotion at all...im extremely seperated from it. My therapist "gets it" but my family says "she's lying because you wouldnt be void of emotions if you went through something that horrible"...ummm, yes you would; most especially when you made up "alters" that it was happening to instead.

Only in recent weeks have i even been able to shed one, just one tear over just one written story one of the things in my past...and its confused the holy heck out of me and still does.

It hasnt happened since, it all new know so whom knows whats around the next corner...but know you are not alone at all in this!

Edited to add: Oh also, I bought a body pillow & a VERY soft pillow cover for this very reason.

[TrailRunner14]

Wow! There are so many emotions that u know the name of going on right now!

Everything that has been shared on this thread is a description of what I too am experiencing. There is much compassion in my heart for the hurts and loneliness that is here on this thread. Compassion also for the ones who shared their stories. I would like to say thank you for being brave with your self, it helped me to realize that I'm not alone either or as exiled as I have felt.

I too am married to a Jeckle/Hyde. That part of my life right now feels so panicky and desperate to try and fix it. There is the word compassion for him because I believe he cannot control it, but doesn't repair the damage done to my sense of safety.

My tears are behind my eyes and have been for a couple of years. They come sometimes at night when it's quite and everyone is asleep. There is no emotion with them. They just come. I am praying that is a sign of healing that I'm working toward.

I do have my two boys that I trust for hugs. They give them freely with nothing expected in return. Well, mostly. You know kids.

This has encouraged me so much reading this. I would like to encourage you with my belief that there is healing and wholeness to be had. It feels better again knowing I'm not alone.

Much love!!!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Big Mama]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

When you talk about life scenarios where you see others get comfort and hugs and how it makes you wish you could accept that kind of comfort what you are saying with that is that you don't know how to feel safe and that was never because you did not deserve to feel safe, but to you that is how it feels.

I can relate to needing to vent, but being at a loss of what I want when I do so. However, I slowly have come to recognize what I don't want and that is important to recognize too.

OE, you nailed it. Those are words I can use to tell my T what I am feeling. I cannot find words often times. I rely on people here and on other sites to help me with those words.

What you said is exactly what I feel. "I wish I could accept that kind of comfort but I don't know how." That sounds completely impossible to believe unless you are in the same position I am then you totally understand.

Your validation means alot to me. "That was never because you did not deserve to feel safe, but to you that is how it feels." Thank you for that. Validating how I feel means so much to me.

Your words are exactly right "Needing to vent, but being at a loss of what I want when I do so." THATS ME!!! I want to, but I don;t know hwat to do. I want to cry, I want to be hugged, I want to feel safe, I want to be comforted, but I jsut don't know how to allow that.

Thank you again OE for giving me words. The words to explain how I feel and apparently so mnay others to. I will read that article after the kids go to sleep.

[Big Mama]

Originally Posted by lostinsidemyself

Actually reading "It is natural for humans to calm themselves when upset by clinging to another person." Is sending my mind into OMG mode but I also LONG SO BAD to be held but when someone even touches my shoulder i jump.

I also feel VERY numb to my past, i also have never cried at a funeral...or in general. My therapist "gets it".

Only in recent weeks have i even been able to shed one, just one tear over just one written story one of the things in my past...and its confused the holy heck out of me and still does.

It hasnt happened since, it all new know so whom knows whats around the next corner...but know you are not alone at all in this!

Edited to add: Oh also, I bought a body pillow & a VERY soft pillow cover for this very reason.

"Actually reading "It is natural for humans to calm themselves when upset by clinging to another person." That statement sends me into EEEK mode to. I have been learning to pay attention to where your body holds trauma. I can feel a tingling sensation and a tension between my shoulders and across the top of my shoulders. Strange how our bodys store trauma's. That is part of why it is so difficult to accept touch. Our muscles are tight and ready for the flight, fight or freeze response.

Is sending my mind into OMG mode but I also LONG SO BAD to be held but when someone even touches my shoulder i jump.

If no one else gets it, We get it, and I am so glad your T gets it.

Good for you for letting one tear escape. That is a start. Weather you meant for it to or not, the fact that it did is huge. Either you let it or your body did what it was designed to do. Either way that is a huge praise. Things are happening and changing one little step and tear at a time. You are gonna get through this.

[Big Mama]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Wow! There are so many emotions that u know the name of going on right now!

Everything that has been shared on this thread is a description of what I too am experiencing. There is much compassion in my heart for the hurts and loneliness that is here on this thread. Compassion also for the ones who shared their stories. I would like to say thank you for being brave with your self, it helped me to realize that I'm not alone either or as exiled as I have felt.

I too am married to a Jeckle/Hyde. That part of my life right now feels so panicky and desperate to try and fix it. There is the word compassion for him because I believe he cannot control it, but doesn't repair the damage done to my sense of safety.

My tears are behind my eyes and have been for a couple of years. They come sometimes at night when it's quite and everyone is asleep. There is no emotion with them. They just come. I am praying that is a sign of healing that I'm working toward.

I do have my two boys that I trust for hugs. They give them freely with nothing expected in return. Well, mostly. You know kids.

This has encouraged me so much reading this. I would like to encourage you with my belief that there is healing and wholeness to be had. It feels better again knowing I'm not alone.

Much love!!!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I am glad you have found encouragement in this thread. I have found encouragement in this thread to.

I am sorry you live with a Jackel / Hyde husband. That makes it really hard. I would know. I don;t think mine meant to be that way either. It was a mix between just the way he is, and my over reaction to how he is.

I have sons to. One of mine is autistic so he can't really do touches. I did hug my boys but once they became teenagers, I took that age as a threat. They were past the age of innocence. So that makes you a threat when you pass that age.

My tears are the same way. I can let them go sometimes, SOMETIMES, in the T's office. They jsut flow, they are not associated with words. They are just from pain but a pain I can't find words to describe. I can usually talk through them as if it is not happening as they stream down my face. It is moist strange. My T doesn't respond to them. She doesn't touch me, she doesn't question Why I have tears. It is almost overwhelming if she offers me a box of tissues.

I hope you continue to find peace and understanding. I agree with you, there is healing and wholeness to be had. God gave my T a gift, a gift to be his hands and feet, and he has given that to many doctors and professional, and many of us in general. I really feel like my T has a true gift and is blessed with teh ability and knowledge to help others heal. I hope you have a good T of that you can find one to help you through this.

[lostinsidemyself]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

"Actually reading "It is natural for humans to calm themselves when upset by clinging to another person." That statement sends me into EEEK mode to. I have been learning to pay attention to where your body holds trauma. I can feel a tingling sensation and a tension between my shoulders and across the top of my shoulders. Strange how our bodys store trauma's. That is part of why it is so difficult to accept touch. Our muscles are tight and ready for the flight, fight or freeze response.

I hate saying this and wondering if i should put it in the trigger code but i very often have a flashback of something that was done to me and have pain in that same place...down there...

The pain goes away on its own but it usually stays for sometimes days and its so weird cuz nothing physically caused it...now i mean...unless i do it but im talking about when i dont do it...

I found out on another site that im on (which will always be nameless) that im not alone with that. Actually googling it, trying to help someone on that site with how to help it as i dont know how to help or stop it, is how i found this site...accidently...

If no one else gets it, We get it, and I am so glad your T gets it.

My therapist seems to get everything and thats so weird to me...before him, i never thought anyone would "get" me...

He's been my therapist for 7 yrs but he never stops amazing me of the things he gets. Like my entire family was freaking out on me cuz i came on to my cousin by marriage and my therapist knew at the time about my past (took me a year to tell him why i was really there but i think this was about 4 or so yrs in) and my dad went with me to therapy and my therapist exact word were "of course you did"...like it was so darn obvious. I think he had to pick my jaw off the ground...

Good for you for letting one tear escape. That is a start. Weather you meant for it to or not, the fact that it did is huge. Either you let it or your body did what it was designed to do. Either way that is a huge praise. Things are happening and changing one little step and tear at a time. You are gonna get through this.

It was weird...def not on purpose...and im like "what is this?" It was weird to me...

Def huge though.

Thank you for your reply. I hope im not taking over this thread. I appologize if i am

[Big Mama]

Lost - you are definitely not taking over this thread. I want to say that very first. We are all here sharing, and that is what I wanted. There is nothing anyone can say or do to change things really, but having others who understand, or even don;t understand but are willing to not think I am crazy is all I want for myself and all of us.

It totally understand having body aches and pains for no reason. I know "that" part hurts sometimes for no reason, though I do not have that issue. I know that sexual abuse survivors often hold there pain in there stomach and abdomen, and there shoulders. Those are areas that are hard for others to be allowed to touch. That is why is is hard to receive a hug, or a pat on the back, or even have someone else's hand on your stomach. (like they are laying behind you and put there hand on your stomach or hug you from behind and touches your stomach.

I belong to a different site that is for survivors of sexual abuse, insest and rape. I just wanted to mention it here becasue someone may find it useful. It does take a little while to start getting your stuff posted, they just take extra precautions to keep your identity safe. It is called www.aftersilence.org . That site has been a huge help to me. Having a group of folks who all have a similar histiory is so helpful. The responses you get from different sites and the response you get from that site regarding this kind of thing are so different. There is a huge difference in support, and "been there done that, I live that hell to" kind of responces. I appreciate both though. They are both very helpful.

I hope for your sake that your emotions and tears become a part of your life and are not felt as if they make you a stranger in your own body. Good luck with this.

I love the words at teh bottom of your post "Fully & Completely trapped inside myself. Clawing but there 's no way out." I told my T that very thing this past session. Having sex and having someone touch me puts me in my won personal hell. I feel like I wanna scratch and secrem, and claw myself out of my body. But I can't make a peep, I can't move. I can't say stop, don't, or quit. I can't push shove, or even crawl out of the way. There is no escape for me.

My T once told me life gives you one of 3 things. When life deals you lemons, what do you do with them, make lemonade, when life deals you roses, what do you do, smell them and be happy, but when life deals you sh it, what do you do? Not much of a blessing there, $h!t stinks, and sucks and not a lot you can do with it, but it is a fertilizer and you can cover it up and it makes the ground fertile and one day, some day when you plant something else there, something beautiful will grow. What kinda beauty are you gonna grow from your $h!t. I love my T, she is so funny. What a great way to explain the hand we are dealt.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I am glad you have found encouragement in this thread. I have found encouragement in this thread to.

I am sorry you live with a Jackel / Hyde husband. That makes it really hard. I would know. I don;t think mine meant to be that way either. It was a mix between just the way he is, and my over reaction to how he is.

I have sons to. One of mine is autistic so he can't really do touches. I did hug my boys but once they became teenagers, I took that age as a threat. They were past the age of innocence. So that makes you a threat when you pass that age.

My tears are the same way. I can let them go sometimes, SOMETIMES, in the T's office. They jsut flow, they are not associated with words. They are just from pain but a pain I can't find words to describe. I can usually talk through them as if it is not happening as they stream down my face. It is moist strange. My T doesn't respond to them. She doesn't touch me, she doesn't question Why I have tears. It is almost overwhelming if she offers me a box of tissues.

I hope you continue to find peace and understanding. I agree with you, there is healing and wholeness to be had. God gave my T a gift, a gift to be his hands and feet, and he has given that to many doctors and professional, and many of us in general. I really feel like my T has a true gift and is blessed with teh ability and knowledge to help others heal. I hope you have a good T of that you can find one to help you through this.

Thank you for your kind words. You were true in your comment about the Jeckle / Hyde relationship I am in. It had not been a consideration that part of the stress and pain of our relationship has a lot to do with my reaction to his behavior. That was insight for me. That also gives me hope that it can change as I become stronger.

My boys are 17 and 19. When they were little, I tried as best as I could to shield them from their father's irrational behavior and anger episodes. I foolishly prayed that if the anger had to be released, that it would be me and not them that received it. I was not thinking about what I was praying. If I had been where I am now emotionally, I would have prayed something much different. Now, they are older and are completely aware of what's going on. They are very protective and have encouraged me to leave. I do not want to do that, because there is compassion in my heart for him. I believe with some medication and help, he could overcome where he is.

My tears will come back, and I believe I will cry and find a release. There have been tears before, that were either met with anger or ignored. For now they have been put away and healing is happening for events that have brought me to this point in my life.

My counselor is truly amazing!! I do not understand the openness and safety I feel talking with him. I can only say that it is a gift from God.

I read the last post on this thread about the 3 things life can give you. I liked the part about the sh#t being fertilizer. It can truly be used to fertilize new things to grow and be beautiful. God takes our ashes and makes beautiful things from them. I will not let go of that!!

Much love!!

[lostinsidemyself]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Lost - you are definitely not taking over this thread. I want to say that very first. We are all here sharing, and that is what I wanted. There is nothing anyone can say or do to change things really, but having others who understand, or even don;t understand but are willing to not think I am crazy is all I want for myself and all of us.

It totally understand having body aches and pains for no reason. I know "that" part hurts sometimes for no reason, though I do not have that issue. I know that sexual abuse survivors often hold there pain in there stomach and abdomen, and there shoulders. Those are areas that are hard for others to be allowed to touch. That is why is is hard to receive a hug, or a pat on the back, or even have someone else's hand on your stomach. (like they are laying behind you and put there hand on your stomach or hug you from behind and touches your stomach.

I belong to a different site that is for survivors of sexual abuse, insest and rape. I just wanted to mention it here becasue someone may find it useful. It does take a little while to start getting your stuff posted, they just take extra precautions to keep your identity safe. It is called Rape & Sexual Abuse Survivor Message Board, Support Forums & Chat Room . That site has been a huge help to me. Having a group of folks who all have a similar histiory is so helpful. The responses you get from different sites and the response you get from that site regarding this kind of thing are so different. There is a huge difference in support, and "been there done that, I live that hell to" kind of responces. I appreciate both though. They are both very helpful.

I hope for your sake that your emotions and tears become a part of your life and are not felt as if they make you a stranger in your own body. Good luck with this.

I love the words at teh bottom of your post "Fully & Completely trapped inside myself. Clawing but there 's no way out." I told my T that very thing this past session. Having sex and having someone touch me puts me in my won personal hell. I feel like I wanna scratch and secrem, and claw myself out of my body. But I can't make a peep, I can't move. I can't say stop, don't, or quit. I can't push shove, or even crawl out of the way. There is no escape for me.

My T once told me life gives you one of 3 things. When life deals you lemons, what do you do with them, make lemonade, when life deals you roses, what do you do, smell them and be happy, but when life deals you sh it, what do you do? Not much of a blessing there, $h!t stinks, and sucks and not a lot you can do with it, but it is a fertilizer and you can cover it up and it makes the ground fertile and one day, some day when you plant something else there, something beautiful will grow. What kinda beauty are you gonna grow from your $h!t. I love my T, she is so funny. What a great way to explain the hand we are dealt.

Thanks for the words and the site!

I am sensitive of my shoulders, my back, my stomach....

Sex is different for me but you'd kinda have to read my bio to even half way get why (unsure if you said if you had read it or not but though i took out as many details as possible, its impossible to tell my story and not be triggering) but im a forceful, VERY forceful seductress if you will and then when the act is happening im 100% submissive. Its my "job" playing itself out in my adult world, though i dont charge money any more...its all the same. Rituals/punishments all had sex around them and now self done rituals/punishments as an adult also have sex all around them.

Its VERY confusing. And id rather beat my head into a wall than to deprogram myself...seriously frustrating!

Not that my past is any worse than anyone else's...i striggle with even seeing it as my therapist calls it..."horrible"...his word, not mine...or even "bad"...or "wrong"...because it was done to me. Done to anyone else and id see it as those words...

You're therapist sounds A LOT like mine...sounds like something my therapist would say.

I was telling him what 'they' would say about me thus how i now see myself and he just sat there, completely silent and when i was done rattling off the long list...he handed me his business card with the word (in all caps) "BULLSH IT" written on it. I have it and a few others on my fridge. The ones i couldnt put on my fridge are all in my wallet.

I LOVE my therapist...he's awesome!

Sounds like yours is too! thank you!

[Big Mama]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Thank you for your kind words. You were true in your comment about the Jeckle / Hyde relationship I am in. It had not been a consideration that part of the stress and pain of our relationship has a lot to do with my reaction to his behavior. That was insight for me. That also gives me hope that it can change as I become stronger.

My boys are 17 and 19. When they were little, I tried as best as I could to shield them from their father's irrational behavior and anger episodes. I foolishly prayed that if the anger had to be released, that it would be me and not them that received it. I was not thinking about what I was praying. If I had been where I am now emotionally, I would have prayed something much different. Now, they are older and are completely aware of what's going on. They are very protective and have encouraged me to leave. I do not want to do that, because there is compassion in my heart for him. I believe with some medication and help, he could overcome where he is.

My tears will come back, and I believe I will cry and find a release. There have been tears before, that were either met with anger or ignored. For now they have been put away and healing is happening for events that have brought me to this point in my life.

My counselor is truly amazing!! I do not understand the openness and safety I feel talking with him. I can only say that it is a gift from God.

I read the last post on this thread about the 3 things life can give you. I liked the part about the sh#t being fertilizer. It can truly be used to fertilize new things to grow and be beautiful. God takes our ashes and makes beautiful things from them. I will not let go of that!!

Much love!!

I was definitely in a Jekyll /Hyde relationship. I can't begin to explain the insanity and confusion I was living in. (Feel free to look back at any of my statistics and you will be able to see right away) I was living with verbal and emotional abuse. Sometimes I wish he would have jsut hit me, so the world could see the hell I was living through.

I tried to protect my boys from there father to. I didn't realize that the greatest protection of all was to get them out of that situation. I tried to make up for the way there dad over reacted. I tried to use his example of yelling at me, to tell them "guys if you want someone to do something for you is that how you ask." I always hoped my kids would grow up to see their dad was wrong. I'm not sure I was able to make an impact on them like I had hoped. I stayed when I shouldn't have, thats all there is to it.

The last straw was when my son (he's autistic) asked me one day when I came home, "Did dad hurt you?" and in the same week my little girl said "It's ok mommy, Daddy makes me cry to." In the weeks to come my H told me in front of all my kids, the only reason I got married was to have someone to clean my house and cook my meals. That was it. I stayed for 12 more months as I planned my escape. It's insane really.

The things in my life that have lead to this point can be looked at as a terrible bunch of things that happened. I could throw myself my own pitty party, and sometimes I do. But from this $h!t I have been dealt, I have decided to use it as a blessing. I have worked threw most of my crap and I am able to help other young girls avoid the things I didn't. I can relate to ohters who have been in the same position. Sometimes you can't really relate if you have not been there and done that. So from a pile of $h!t comes forth a extra big heaping bunch of love and understanding. That is the greatest gift I can give someone.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I was definitely in a Jekyll /Hyde relationship. I can't begin to explain the insanity and confusion I was living in. (Feel free to look back at any of my statistics and you will be able to see right away) I was living with verbal and emotional abuse. Sometimes I wish he would have jsut hit me, so the world could see the hell I was living through.


I tried to protect my boys from there father to. I didn't realize that the greatest protection of all was to get them out of that situation. I tried to make up for the way there dad over reacted. I tried to use his example of yelling at me, to tell them "guys if you want someone to do something for you is that how you ask." I always hoped my kids would grow up to see their dad was wrong. I'm not sure I was able to make an impact on them like I had hoped. I stayed when I shouldn't have, thats all there is to it.


The last straw was when my son (he's autistic) asked me one day when I came home, "Did dad hurt you?" and in the same week my little girl said "It's ok mommy, Daddy makes me cry to." In the weeks to come my H told me in front of all my kids, the only reason I got married was to have someone to clean my house and cook my meals. That was it. I stayed for 12 more months as I planned my escape. It's insane really.


The things in my life that have lead to this point can be looked at as a terrible bunch of things that happened. I could throw myself my own pitty party, and sometimes I do. But from this $h!t I have been dealt, I have decided to use it as a blessing. I have worked threw most of my crap and I am able to help other young girls avoid the things I didn't. I can relate to ohters who have been in the same position. Sometimes you can't really relate if you have not been there and done that. So from a pile of $h!t comes forth a extra big heaping bunch of love and understanding. That is the greatest gift I can give someone.

Thank you so much for sharing this!!

It has been on my heart to find somewhere I could turn this around. To help someone. Although, I'm not sure I may be at the place I could really help anyone from the place I'm at yet.

Sorry! I ramble.

There is too much to put into words. I hope we can keep this thread going. I am encouraged by your words and your heart.

Thank you so much!!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Big Mama]

Lostinsidemyself - below is my story. I that is jsut hte rape portion, throw in some CSA and spousal abuse, and lots of just random disgustingness from relatives infliced on a child sexally, and that is my story in a nut shell.

I have not read your story, but we all do what we do for a reason. When it comes to having sex, man that is a whole nother ball game. I have to keep most of my clothes on, I am hypersensitive to touch. My back, shoulder, and stomach need to be covered up in order to avoid the sensation of touch. My chest is off limits. I wear socks when we have sex. For some reason socks give you a feeling of safety. (that is why they are often found in a rape kit) Sex is not that great of a past time to me. In fact a lot of the things my H says and does reminds me of my abuser.

Thank God so many of us here are blessed with good T's. I wish you the best in your recovery.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/survi...need-heal.html

http://forums.psychcentral.com/survi...what-i-do.html

http://forums.psychcentral.com/survi...-part-3-a.html

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Lostinsidemyself - below is my story. I that is jsut hte rape portion, throw in some CSA and spousal abuse, and lots of just random disgustingness from relatives infliced on a child sexally, and that is my story in a nut shell.

I have not read your story, but we all do what we do for a reason. When it comes to having sex, man that is a whole nother ball game. I have to keep most of my clothes on, I am hypersensitive to touch. My back, shoulder, and stomach need to be covered up in order to avoid the sensation of touch. My chest is off limits. I wear socks when we have sex. For some reason socks give you a feeling of safety. (that is why they are often found in a rape kit) Sex is not that great of a past time to me. In fact a lot of the things my H says and does reminds me of my abuser.

Thank God so many of us here are blessed with good T's. I wish you the best in your recovery.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/survi...need-heal.html

http://forums.psychcentral.com/survi...what-i-do.html

http://forums.psychcentral.com/survi...-part-3-a.html

God bless. I hope that is not something that you do not want hear. I do know that He is the door of freedom. I truly pray that you would look to Him for the freedom from this, just as I do for myself!!

The panic and away times that I'm trying to understand, I try my best in those moments to remember to give them to Him. It's hard because you feel like your feel have been clipped out from under you and your out there by yourself. You are not!!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Big Mama]

God is good all the time, not some of the time, ALL OF THE TIME. He is always with you, he will never leave you or forsake you. God doesn't promice your walk will be easy and your days will be filled with roses. Just to give it to him and let him help carry your burden.

I do, and for that reason I am able to share and try to help others today. Some days I struggle, and I know God wants me to learn from struggles. I will arrize victorious. And to God will be the glory.

I'm just hangin on till then. Feeling what I can feel. Growing every day to be what God wants me to be. I always pray "you will be done, and help me to accept your will"

I fully believe God didn;t do this to me, Just like with Job, God told satan do what you must to shake his faith, but you may not take his life. After all his trials and heartache, Job never lost his faith in God. And my faith will never waver. So many say "Why did God allow this?" There is your answer.

It has been a true blessing to be able to help others, to hold someone else's hand and encourage someone else who has dealt with the same thing and feels alone. That is part of my gift. For that I am grateful. The road there sucked, but the gift is truly a blessing.

[TrailRunner14]

Sovereignty. That's the key word.

He has always know the beginning and the end of our lives. That takes a big I hale to take in. But, it's where I hang. In the hand of that. There are days that my feet are clipped and I'm scrambling to find Him in my heart and other days he's there. I believe that is our humanish.

We are frail and wonderfully made and created. My mind explodes trying to take that in.

Hearing that other people experience things as I do make me feel more courageous to press forward. I know there is something so freeing and calming on the other side.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[lostinsidemyself]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Lostinsidemyself - below is my story. I that is jsut hte rape portion, throw in some CSA and spousal abuse, and lots of just random disgustingness from relatives infliced on a child sexally, and that is my story in a nut shell.

I have not read your story, but we all do what we do for a reason. When it comes to having sex, man that is a whole nother ball game. I have to keep most of my clothes on, I am hypersensitive to touch. My back, shoulder, and stomach need to be covered up in order to avoid the sensation of touch. My chest is off limits. I wear socks when we have sex. For some reason socks give you a feeling of safety. (that is why they are often found in a rape kit) Sex is not that great of a past time to me. In fact a lot of the things my H says and does reminds me of my abuser.

Thank God so many of us here are blessed with good T's. I wish you the best in your recovery.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/survi...need-heal.html

http://forums.psychcentral.com/survi...what-i-do.html

http://forums.psychcentral.com/survi...-part-3-a.html

Its ok that you havent read it, its triggering for most. My triggers are different and i generally dont get triggered by content. I cant read your story right now but promise to get to it!