[nxnvn]

I'm sorry to ask this, but the mh nurse i was starting to talk through this with has just left her job and i feel lost and am driving myself crazy, i want to know whether this was csa because i want to know if its serious enough to bring up with my care co-ordinator/therapist, because i could talk to my nurse about anything but i'd feel embarrassed bringing up something so small with my therapist

Firstly, when i was a child my grandad used to hold my head to make me kiss him on the lips, and would come into my bedroom when i was staying at his house

Possible trigger:

and would try to touch me all over?

I cant remember where he actually touched, it might've been nothing serious, but i used to be terrified of him coming into my room and would always try to push him off and roll away from him. He used to always tell me that i was his best looking grandchild and

Possible trigger:

for my birthday, maybe my fourteenth, he bought me a garter and edible underwear

Secondly, when i was about 10/11 i went for a sleepover at my friends house and one other friend was there (i'm female and they were both boys.)

Possible trigger:

In the night they were both masturbating to porn in front of me and i didn't want to see it but they held my head so that i was made to watch it. Then they both came over to the sofa that i'd moved to and both touched my chest (i don't think i told them not to, i think i didnt really say anything but i dont remember being upset by this.) then the older boy, who was my best friend at the time, kept touching up my leg to try and reach my underwear and i kept pushing him away and eventually i moved away to another sofa. I tried to go to sleep, and he came over and climbed on top of me and i struggled with him as he kept trying to touch my genitals,

i dont remember if he actually touched me but eventually i moved away and he left me alone.

A few years later i told a few of my friends at school who, without my consent, told other people until eventually most of the school knew about it and hated me because they thought i'd lied and made it up (obviously the story had changed as it had been passed around until it became me lying about being raped by them.) The older boy kept telling me it never happened and that i'd never even slept at his house and even now there's a part of me that feels untrusting of my own memories and thinks maybe i did make it up for attention. He and his girlfriend at the time used to get into group chats with me online and

Possible trigger:

tell me to go and die etc etc and how he was going to kill himself

because i'd ruined his life. Since then i have mostly isolated myself from people and am so terrified of seeing them or their friends again incase they start shouting at me or tell more people that i'm a liar

Thank you for reading, sorry this ended up being so long, and dont be afraid to tell me that this was nothing if that's what it is

[Skeezyks]

Hello nxnvn: I'm sorry you are carrying around these disturbing memories. Obviously I don't know to what extent they are, or are not, real. However they certainly are painful for you... & understandably so! So, from my perspective, they are definitely something you need to talk with someone about... preferably a mental health therapist you feel comfortable confiding in.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[mostlylurking]

Hi nxnvn, and welcome to the forums!

Your grandfather's behavior does seem like sexual abuse to me... touching you all over is highly inappropriate, and although your memories might be fuzzy, I think you should trust that your terror of him coming in meant something. Kids may not be able to articulate exactly what is wrong about a situation, but they have a very good "antenna" for danger and harmful behavior, so I would trust that your strong fear at the time indicates there was indeed something abusive going on. Also, when he bought you those wildly inappropriate birthday gifts, what did other people in your family do?

Your friend's behavior in the second story isn't okay, those were rotten things to do to you, and you wonder how those guys are going to treat the women they date nowadays. Memories can be fuzzy, but you're remembering multiple coercive things (making you watch, touching your chest, trying to touch your genitals) which basically add up to: your friend was aggressive in a sexual way and treated you badly.

It doesn't have to be the kind of trauma you see in newspaper headlines for something to be worth discussing with your therapist. But you could start out by saying basically what you said here: "I have some memories and I'm not sure if they're a big deal or not, so I wasn't sure whether to bring them up." I bet your T will be interested to hear more.

I'm sorry that second story got blown up by the rumor mill and very sorry people are calling you a liar. A lie is intentional, and even if your memory is off on some detail here or there, you were not lying, and I suspect your memory of it is actually quite good. People who have behaved badly have a tendency to conveniently not remember their bad behavior.