[paradox22]

Hi, I am an adult survivor of abuse and I have no interest in being an adult. Adult and professional behavior makes me scared and I do not care about deriving any satisfaction from work or adult relationships. I am 23. Does this have to do with me being abused? I've heard that one may stopped growing emotionally at the age they were abused is this true?

[mindwrench]

There may be something to it. I don't do a lot of things anymore that an adult would normally be doing. I used to but it became too difficult and maybe that is somehow connected. The emotional thing I can relate to experiencing, as for a lot of years after i became an adult, I perceived other adults to have the same power over me that they would have if I was a still a child, and that has never really gone away. I have to remind myself that I'm 40 years old, and they don't have that power, and that probably causes a lot of my defensiveness with other adults as my first instinct is they mean me harm.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by paradox22

Hi, I am an adult survivor of abuse and I have no interest in being an adult. Adult and professional behavior makes me scared and I do not care about deriving any satisfaction from work or adult relationships. I am 23. Does this have to do with me being abused? I've heard that one may stopped growing emotionally at the age they were abused is this true?

Im taking a ....guess. ... that this may not have anything to do with your past abuse...mind you only your own treatment providers can say for sure..

the reason I am making this ..... guess.. is because here in my location adults who have been abused as children do everything they possibly can to be in control and responsible so that they do not get harmed again. those adults who have been abused as children that I know usually want to be anything but child like\ small and vulnerable that can lead to being abused again. they want people to see that they are no one to mess with, some take the attitude of Ill strike out at you before you can even think of harming me, see Im not that child who could be abused. Im the one in control of what happens to me and in my life not someone else that may be lurking ready to abuse me kind of attitude. Some even take this show the world Im the one in control now not able to be abused to the point of controlling in even their sexual activities sometimes to the point of being promiscuous.

here in my location its normal for young adults to not want to be responsible, they want to be free of rules and some take the attitude ofI dont want to work or go to college, I just want to hang out and party hearty. and other variations of being suddenly thrust into the world of adult hood as ayoung 18-25 yr old.

again I cant say for sure whether what is going on with you is or isnt because of your abuse history. only your own treatment providers can say that...

my suggestion is if this continues to bother you contact your medical doctor or a mental health treatment provider who can tell you for sure if this is normal or part of your history.

[ThisWayOut]

It might be mitigated by the abuse... if might also be part of you current stage in life. I'm not really sure.
I know I have difficulty doing the whole "adult" thing. I'm nearly 40, and very much resent having to still be the one taking care of me. There are still things I don't do well... on the flip side, I've realized I can't skip out on adulting. It's taken me almost 25 years, but I'm figuring out how to take responsibility for my life. While I was the adult much of the time growing up, as soon as I had any latitude at all to drop those responsibilities, I dropped them. I got myself into financial trouble (though work has always been my escape, so I've always worked), I've ignored the rules about "healthy living"... I'm in a relationship now, but they had been something I didn't desire for a long time.

I think at least for myself, different than what amandalouise had said, I was tired of having to be responsible for myself and others. From before I could walk, my role in life had been to care for others emotionally and physically. My presence was expected to keep my mom safe from my dad's abuse, I was a stand-in husband for my mom emotionally, and a stand-in wife for my dad physically. I was expected to be a smaller version of am adult at all times. Emotions, outbursts, excessive energy, making mistakes, crying after being physically hurt, being ill, having regular, child needs... these were all unacceptable. I was to carry on as if nothing was wrong at all times.
I continued that mode for a long time, but after moving away from home, that ability to carry everything started to crumble. I went from being able to do everything I was supposed to do as a young adult, to suddenly not being able even to clean the house or cook meals. I did the bare minimum to stay alive and keep my critters safe and fed. Beyond that, I stopped checking mail, answering the phone, doing anything that I didn't think was fun enough to warrant doing...

I'm chalking it all up to a learning curve. The stuff I had learned to do to survive in my childhood had to be unlearned. Some things were easier to do than others. There's still a lot of stuff I'm un-learning,and others I'm just now relearning to do in healthy ways.

Perhaps this is something that might be addressed in therapy for you?

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by mindwrench

There may be something to it. I don't do a lot of things anymore that an adult would normally be doing. I used to but it became too difficult and maybe that is somehow connected. The emotional thing I can relate to experiencing, as for a lot of years after i became an adult, I perceived other adults to have the same power over me that they would have if I was a still a child, and that has never really gone away. I have to remind myself that I'm 40 years old, and they don't have that power, and that probably causes a lot of my defensiveness with other adults as my first instinct is they mean me harm.

I can really relate to thensure bolded part... I still experience that in everyday situations, especially if something triggers a childhood fear. My wife and I are in the process of buying a car. It's been a really triggering experience. One dealer acted as abusive and angry as my father would have. Another has the same first name... it's harder in situations like that to remember they don't have that control over me. I have a terrible time with anyone who actually holds any measure of power over me (bosses, medical professionals, authority figures of any type, heck even my landlord). I find myself being hypervigilant with them, apologizing for any possible indiscretion. It's so frustrating, yet very automatic.

[ThisWayOut]

This article talks a bit more about "children's" responses to prolonged trauma:
https://www.socialworkhelper.com/201...auma-just-get/

[TerriLynn]

Children who are abused do tend to get stuck maturity-wise as children. One reason abused and neglected children are less mature is that if we had good parents, it would be them who teaches us how to mature. But also, if you look up the hierarchy of needs, I think that explains a lot. We get stuck at one level, trying to get that need fulfilled, and there is no room to grow.

My stepmother, the abuser, and my dad, her protector, always commented about how immature I was. Well... Thank you, its their fault! I am learning that all these things that they criticized me for, it was their responsibility to teach to me to begin with. EMDR is helping me to put things where they are supposed to be.

[BLUEDOVE]

You may be in trance,which is created when child is getting abused to save him/her going insane at thought of parents being abusive and frightening,so child goes into trance,then parents are not so bad,and not so frightening. Child cannot cope with truth of parents behavior,so this allows it to make it not so bad. Problem is,the child STAYS a child emotionally/psychologically, resulting in inappropriate behavior,
desire to please,gets taken advantage of,etc.,etc. Commonly known as "Adult-Child-Syndrome",please see therapist to work through this and literally wake up from trance-state. And/or get book "Creating Love" (self-love) by John Bradshaw,for full explanation of trance-state and recovery.
Kindest Regards,
BLUEDOVE

[PianogirlPlays]

I realize that some of my upsetting times still are reflections of old pain. So hard !