trigger.. trigger.. peodophile.. a letter..

A letter to "my" pedophile...

Dear band teacher,

My life at one time was "worth something", I was a very naive little 12 year old.. who had already been abused by her Dad, though many years had already passed.

My Mom, dying for what seems like the million'th time in my life. Watching her struggle with the repiratory vent, the whoose.. the quiet and surrealness of the ICU.

The late nights up at the hospital. Yes, letting children in the ICU.. at least my sister and I were allowed.. Wait 50 minutes, get ten minutes with my Mom.....

My Dad, a wreck.. yelling, violent.. trying to get rid of his own pain.

My sister telling me "it's your fault" that Mom is dying - hey I believed her - who wouldn't ...she was afterall my big sister. Me totally responsible for my Mom.. there in the hospital.. she would wake up ever so often.. her eyes wild with fear.. I absorbed her fear thru my body.. I was a sponge...

Pain had already been in my life, my legs.. straigthening them out.. inch by inch.. Physical pain.. I learned early.. to put "it" in a special "box" in my mind.. close the box.. and let the rest of my mind be "free". The box would open at night.. and the pain would come back.. I would sleep with my legs proped up on the wall - if they fell asleep.. hey at least they would be numb.. no pain...

So, you came into my life that year... You offered me attention.. strength.. some T's have offerred the opinion that you saved my life.. hmmmm.. interesting ... isn't it.. having a pedophile kept me from taking my life.. at 12..

So, you made your advances... me not even realizing.. playing special songs on the piano... arranging for me to be there "study hour"... after school "lessons"... funny.. isn't it my Mom paying so that I could get "those lessons" from you.. wow..you had it made didn't you.. being "paid" for doing what you did best..

Most unforgiveable.. in my mind.. is that .. you never let on.. never gave me a clue.. that sodomization... wasn't "sex".

And when I found out years later "how absolutely stupid" did I feel? I mean really??? that remains as one of the most hurtful things ever.. "the lie"...

The physical pain that you put me thru.. went in a "special box" too.. never to be taken out.. never to be looked at.. otherwise.. I would need to take my own life.. the pain so great...

The year,, I spent.. almost totally mute.. so so scared that if I opened my "mouth".. secrets would spill out.. and that.. well that just couldn't be.. you told me that if it did.. I would be "ruining" your life..

Me... responsible for yet another life..at 12 years old.. so great the burden.. so great the fear....

I don't know as a pedophile what your real goal in life was...
as an adult.. I have often thought that it was because you hated me and wanted me to take my own life.... never could figure out why you hated me though...

I think that.. now... it was about what you wanted within your own life.. it wasn't about me at all... I think of all your other "special girls" that came before and after me...... I wonder if they are still alive..or have they opted out...to have peace..

I know that you are not still alive.. though really it matters not to me..

You.. destroyed.. me........ my soul, my spirit, the person I was, the person that I was to become..

You destroyed any hope of happiness that I could have possibly had in life.. I accept that... tonight.. I "finally" accept that.. the struggle done for me..

There are times.. when I wonder.. if there was even a shred of caring.. if you had like a "tinge" about the life that you destroyed???

The question I would ask...remains the same.. forever and a day..... Why me???

The second question is... why.. 4 years... why did you not free me after a year... why not an act of kindness on your part? was that too much to ask.. after what you took.. my life?

I wish.. that I could be angry... I am sad, tired.. worn out..
lonely.. yes - you gifted me these feelings... forever and a day.. to be felt.. and to be had...to be re-lived.

May you rest in peace... as none of your 'special girls" ever will... someone needs peace.. so ironically.. it shall be you.. I so "gift" it to you.

Ah Freewill - your letter is an absolutely amazing testament to your strength and indominible spirit. Take care and much peace.

(((((((((((((((freewill))))))))))))))))

This is so powerful!!!! It would have taken guts to write that. Its really touched me, and as Pita said, it's a testament to your strength.
May the bastard rot in hell!!
Take care, and stay strong

Safe hugs (((((((( freewill )))))))) You are stronger than you realise.

Freewill...thank you for trusting us with your pain. I can relate to parts of your story--know that you are not alone.