[antiquedahlia]

I know I was abused by my father. I know what he did when I was a child.

Because of what happened to me I am having the most difficult time with intimacy.

The idea of being physically vulnerable scares me so much. In the past when I was intimate I would get get
flashbacks and see his face.

Its so frustrating to desire something so basic but not be able to do it because it reminds me so much of what destroyed you.

Does anyone else deal with this?

[Notaloneninja8]

I haven't suffered from this personally but was in a relationship with someone who had similar feelings and thoughts. It was hard on her because she had an idea of what she wanted and what she thought was normal (and what she thought was fair for me) and that put her in a perpetual cycle of feeling blame and guilt. All I could do was encourage her to not worry about me. To allow her self time to shake off the guilt on her terms and know that she was not to blame. The defiance of trust that created these thoughts and feelings were not anything she had control over and she no obligation to carry that burden. When she started to take deep breaths and acknowledge that she is loving, awesome person that deserves the love she puts out in the world she was able to relax a bit more. It helped that I was open about my sexual insecurities as well. Occasionally I would have a hard time performing if I was all up in my head about expectations or some random self induced stressor. It helped her, and hopefully you, know that you are not alone in this. When you have something in your head that is a total mood killer, it sucks. It doesn't seem fair and then the negative feelings about ourselves afterwards don't help. We found that if we free ourselves of that burden we had a better chance of being in the moment. When you can just take a breath and focus on the connection, it's a good start to be able to get past this. If one of us lost the connection, we allowed ourselves the choice to stop. When that did happen we usually found other ways to still play around and have fun as long as the visuals didn't come into play. If it was a complete dud, we just would try something like laying together and watching a movie. We hadn't thought of it initially, but realized that intimacy could happen without actual sex. So just allowing her the time to find her own answers and be okay with the fact she is a survivor made a huge difference. Her willingness to share helped me too since I probably would have kept my thoughts and insecurities to myself and just felt like crap about it, which wouldn't have helped or changed anything. All I can say is be as open as you are comfortable with and be okay with you. You didn't ask for this and you shouldn't have to carry the weight of it. Know that you are not alone and that others, like myself, care and want to see you happy. Life, relationships and intimacy is supposed to be fun. Know that your in control of your body and you can do what you want, when you want. Give yourself time to be okay with you. YOU DESERVE IT! Hope that helps

[Notaloneninja8]

I have not went through this personally but I was in a relationship with someone who had the same feelings and thoughts. All I can recommend is to be open about it as much as you are comfortable with. Know that you are not responsible for what happened to you and that act of distrust was not something you could control and should not have to feel the burden of it. When she started to allow herself time to realize that she deserves all the love that she puts out to the world, she was able to start to relax. When she was relaxed she could be in the moment and just focus on the connection. There were occasions when the visuals would still pop up, but we allowed ourselves the option to stop at any point. We could usually find other ways to have fun and not have the visuals play a part of it. If at anypoint the mood was just gone, we tried other ways of being close. We hadn't realized that you could get a feeling of intimacy from doing other things besides sex. We would lay together on the couch and watch a movie or something. Just know that you are in control of your body and you can do what you want, when you want. Intimacy is supposed to be fun, allow yourself the time to be ok with you. You are not wrong and you do not deserve to carry the burden someone else put on you. Take a breath and find a connection. It is a good start. Find what answers work for you. Also know that you are not alone and some one (me) cares about you and wants to see you happy! I am here to listen if you need anything.

[gmts]

I can't relate directly to that as I haven't been abused sexually, but "only" emotionally. But what you describe still sounds very understandable to me.

I find it really heartbreaking, that not only did you have to endure this as a child, but now as an adult it is still haunting you and denying you of a very "basic" aspect in life as you desribe it. You just don't deserve this, I feel sooo sorry for you.

It is a long shot, but EMDR sessions might be able to help you. Nobody know how it really works, but appearantly it is able to dissolve traumas, it somehow breaks the associations that were made in your brain when it happened.

It worked for me pretty well to resolve my own traumas (e.g. getting cornered by my father and getting yelled at like hell for extended periods)

Wishing the best for you !

[MtnTime2896]

Yeah, I know what you're talking about. I rarely do it because it takes so much out of me not to have a flashback during; so it's mostly just for my fiance when I can. I can say that this experience in my life is a challenge to actually enjoy (I can sometimes but it's not often). Even if I successfully enjoy it, something else like to happen following. I have such overwhelming guilt and a feeling as though I'm dirty and have committed an awful sin (much how I felt after what happened to me). This isn't easy for me to talk about, so I think I'll stop it here.

You are welcome to PM me anytime you want/need to talk about this or anything. I'm sorry you know what this feeling is.