[jmo531]

This is a letter I have written to my mother and I have not sent it yet because for some reason I am losing my nerve to do so.

Not sure if I am asking for to much, a miracle perhaps. Please note: the link I have posted is triggering and please use extreme caution if you choose to click the link. Thank you.



Dear Mother,

I have always felt like an outsider. I spent more then half of my life examining what it was about me that would justify the way I was treated by you, and your side of the family. I guess you wouldn’t understand unless you were the one on the receiving end.
I have always had a “soft-spot” for you. Not really sure why, perhaps I thought if anyone cared for me, it had to be you because you are my mother.
I am very, very confused and have analyzed what exactly I did that would warrant you placing me into a self proclaimed “hard-core drug rehabilitation program”, at the age of 12.
You freely admit know that looking back you could have, and should have handled the situation in a different way, but sadly that still does not make up for the experiences I endured because you couldn’t or didn’t want to deal with me.
I have bit my lip for years regarding my childhood. Mostly because I didn’t want to hurt you. I wanted to support you no matter what. Again, I am not sure why. I just craved your approval.
I do not consider my behavior as a child reckless. I skipped school a few times. I wore clothing that wasn’t up to your approval. I wore heavy make-up. I hung out with a crowd that was less then “savory”. All these things added together equal a behavior issue that you didn’t bother to investigate for yourself. You took the words, and the stories from other as truth and you never bothered to include me or ask me what was going on with me.
You worked a lot, I do not dispute that . But you didn’t work 7 days a week, although you would have never have known that because you were hardly ever home. When you weren’t working, you were at the “Newgate” partying, or out with friends. You certainly didn’t make your home life a priority. For whatever reason, I don’t know. That isn’t even why I am so upset.
You have four children. Of those four children I am the only one who you threw away. And you did, throw me away. Your actions by placing me in Straight caused a chain of events still felt today in my life. You don’t understand. You never did. You always think that someone can get over it. Without experiencing what I experienced, I find it hard to believe you would ask me to just “get over it”, or “forget it” because I am no longer in those situations.
Don’t you get it? I can not forget it. I just can’t forget it. The more I try the angrier I get. I deserve the chance to tell my side of the story and be heard once and for all. I deserve that because I am the one who endured it. Not you, not Garry, not Brittany, not Mike and not Leslie. JUST ME. I am sick and tired of being told to get over it. I want you to understand exactly what your actions caused for me. You are my mother. As such it was your job to protect me. To make sure that I wasn’t hurt. That I wasn’t hungry. That I wasn’t sick. But by placing me in Straight Inc. you placed me in harms way for nearly a year. Even though I told you over and over again what was happening to me there. Again, you chose others, the words of others over me. You never once believed me over them. Never. Why did you place me there? What did I do that was so %#@&#! horrible that would justify you putting me into a place like that? What’s worse is that you lied to me for years and told me that you had to work hard to pay for Straight because insurance didn’t cover it and Dad wasn’t helping you. But just the other day, I find out that you didn’t pay for anything. So this leaves me wondering what else you have kept from me regarding this whole ordeal.
Maybe it is easy for you to put this behind you. But it isn’t for me. I deserve answers. I deserve the truth. And I want it.
Who told you about Straight?
Who paid for it?
Did you research the facility prior to placing me there or was the word of you Lawyer good enough for you?
Did you ever try to take me out of there? If no, why not? If yes, why were you not successful in doing so?
Did you actually see that drug test they “supposedly administered to me”?
Did you see the results of the drug test?
What did you tell them about me?
Was it easy to leave me there?
Did you continue to think I was lying when I told you all the horrible things they were doing to me? I suppose yes, since you left me in there.
You never believed me about anything, which I never understood because I never made any bones about anything I was doing.
You never tried to ask me what was wrong with me, or why I was acting that way. You assumed I was doing all these drugs and that I was going to die.
I also confirmed with Dad that he did call you a few months after he got me out to tell you that I was having issues again, but he contends that he never, ever, ever said that he “wished he had kept me in there” as you expressed to me.
In fact, Dad told me that he tried several times to get me out of there without your help, and without success. He said that he specifically told you he did not want me placed in Straight that day and you waited until he left to go to work from that meeting and signed me in behind his back. I do know that to be the truth.
I spent all these years wondering why in the hell Mom Mom, Aunt Jori and the rest of them were so stand offish to me, why they treated me like an outsider. Why wouldn’t they? You did.
My experience there left me and sometimes still leaves me feeling ashamed, embarrassed and lost and so much more, I can not even begin to express. I was sleep deprived. I was food deprived. I wore the same clothes for days at a time. I was physically retrained. I was physically hit being brought into intake rooms and yelled at for hours because I refused to admit drug use. I refuse to admit it because there was nothing there to admit. The more I told the truth there, the more mistreated I was. I was brainwashed and made to feel like a piece of %#@&#! lower then the earths crust. I was kept there against my will. When I did start to progress to the second phase, I was started over because I reeked of “cigarette smoke” that came from you. They accused me of smoking and wouldn’t listen to any other explanations.
Did you not find it odd that I was never allowed to speak with you alone and vise versa?
I am asking a favor of you. I want to be done with this once and for all so I want you to do something for me. I want you to visit this web site www.thestraights.com
By doing this, I feel you will have a better understanding of my experiences there, as a young child at the age of 12. Imagine if you had gone through these experiences how screwed up and alone you would feel.
Don’t just read one story, read all of them. Please for me. Read it. Research it. Understand my experiences and you will understand me. If you don’t then this proves to me that you just don’t care. You have washed your hands of the entire event. I wish I could. Unfortunately, my memories don’t allow me to wash my hands of the whole ordeal. I would also like Garry to read it. I think out of anyone, Garry is the only one who gets it. Who understand me and see’s the situation for what it is.
I don’t want to dredge up the past; I want to heal from it. The only way I know to heal from it, is to expose you to what I was exposed to. So you can understand why I am the way I am.

[lenjan]

((((((jmo))))) What a horrific place. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

I know it takes courage to confront a parent -- I'm wrestling with that right now myself. I hope you are able to do it; it sounds like it would be very healing for you.

I wish you peace.

(((((((JMO)))))))))))

[Perna]

I don't think your mother (or anyone else obviously) knew what was going on or can really understand now. Were I you, I'd join with other Straight survivors http://www.geocities.com/surviving_s..._inc/index.htm and see what comfort, understanding, help you can get from them. Reading the horrific stories on the Net, I don't think it is something that your mother would want to face/believe so I don't think confronting her at this time would get you the result you long for. I would find a good therapist and work on it all from there.

{{{jmo531}}}

[pachyderm]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
jmo531 said:
This is a letter I have written to my mother and I have not sent it yet because for some reason I am losing my nerve to do so.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Whether you send it or not, I think you have done a great deal by putting it together in words.

[jmo531]

((((((((((((Candybear and EV)))))))))))))))

Thank you for your hugs. Much needed and appreciated.

Perna,

I am not quite sure how to respond to your post, but I am gonna give it a try as tactfully as I can. Although, I think ultimately you are trying to save me from further anguish over this matter, I don't know if you quite understand completely.

I am fully aware of my support system regarding my experiences with Straight Inc (now known as Drug Free America Corporation and Kids Helping Kids) as I currently belong to a private Straight Inc. Support Forum.

However, my experiences at Straight Inc, were abusive and terrifying for me. I post here because I choose to post here. I feel that not only is it the most appropriate place for me to post this, I am a member of this forum and have the freedom to do that. Please do not ask me to take my feelings elsewhere to get the support I need.

I have been a member of this forum for nearly three years and I have come to trust, respect and admire this place and many, many members because it has always offered the support I have needed no matter what.

You have made me feel like I do not have the right to post here and that is leaving me further frustrated and angry.

This is why I should think twice before I post.

[Peanuts]

wow - that place was horrible. Clearly criminal. You have every right to be angry that you were placed in such a place - regardless of whether or not you were doing drugs. A child engaged in drug activity doesn't deserve to be sent to one of those places !!

There are better methods of treatment. I am very glad that they are shut down, although it seems other outfits have sprung up in their place.

I can't imagine health insurance paying for this type of setup and so I can't figure out where they are getting the $$. What is it that is always said during such investigations .. follow the money. Somehow, money allowed this to florish - and they used scare tactics and deception on vulnerable parents who, for whatever reason, felt they had no place else to turn.

I'm glad you were able to get out of that place. I don't know how old you are - have you been able to connect with your Dad about all of this ?? Were you able to complete schooling or will you need tutoring ? Can you Dad help ?

[jmo531]

Peanuts,

Thank you for your reply. Yes, what went on their and other places like it was crimal. Horrible. Something it has taken me many years to come to terms with, or even even think about.

For years, and even still from time to time I wake up thinking I am confined somewhere. Luckily I can glance over at my hubby and know that I am safe with him. He is a great source of comort for me.

Apparently in my case, the insurance didn't cover it. My mom told me for years that she worked extra to pay for Straight. However, this past week, she confessed that she did not pay for Straight. Apparently there were grants/funds issued through the state of Virginia for people who could not afford to pay for such programs.

I was never tested for drug use prior to being placed in there. No urine, no blood, etc. My mother however states that they advised her that I had tested positive for drugs but said she never saw any documentation on it. My mother is an idiot.

The more and more I learn about this, the more and more I see her true self and what I am finding is disgusting.

I have done my own research, and digging into Straight, Tax records, law suits, etc. What I have found is that they billed various private insurance companies for "inpatient" facility charges when Straight was never legally classified as an "inpatient facility". All of us were staying in host homes of other patients with in the program. It was later on when the state prevented licensure because it was against the law for Straight to place anyone in any host home, only DHS could place children in approved homes, called "Foster homes". This is why I am so damn confused. The state placed Straight on back to back probation for years citing them for indeficiencies with in their system, not to mention the streaming number of alledged abuse. I could go on for hours.

I can not excuse my mother for what she did to me. As a mother she had a duty to me to protect me from harm. She failed at that. She has failed me as a mother.

After leaving Straight I took a school placement test because I had been taken out of school for so long they wanted to see how I placed. Schooling after that was very hard for me. I lost all interest in everything.

However, I am now 34. Married, three children. I work full time and as of tomorrow I start my very first college class in hope of obtaining my degree in Business Management.

I am a survivor. But my scars are still there.

[Peanuts]

wow - your first college class. That is great. Best of luck to you on this adventure towards a degree - I think you will find it a very worthwhile thing to do.

I'm sorry your mom failed you. I don't think it is easy to recover from being betrayed by a parent. I hope that having children of your own helps a bit in your healing as you can provide your children the care and protection that you were not provided.

[SeptemberMorn]

OMG!!!! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{JennyGirl}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}





Jenny, send that letter! Send it, please! Or send it to me with her address! Whatever you say, whatever you decide... but she needs to read it!

OMG!!! I'm here for you, Precious!

[jmo531]

(((((((((((((((Peanuts))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((Mama)))))))))))))))))

I think I will be needing to make some changes to the letter to my Mom.

There were some things that my mother told me that happened immediately following my placement into Straight. I contacted the only other person that would have know if what my mother was saying was true. I have found out that my mother has lied about a few other things.

I just do not even know where to go from here. I am still digging up the "dirt". Problem is, the more and more I read, the angrier I get.

Mama, I certainly plan on giving my mother a letter pointing out inconsistantcies in her story. I just can't believe that after all this time she feels it necessary to lie to me. I am 34, she is 57, WTF? I am sick and tired of her saying "I did what I thought was best at the time".

Bull %#@&#!!!!!! It is all Bull %#@&#!. She lied to me for years saying that she worked so hard to pay for this program. Come to find out, that was a lie. She kept me there because she wanted to wash her hands of me. Pure and simple. Her b/f at the time was doing coke and weed. I confronted her about that then and she told me I didn;t know what I was talking about. I am not an idiot. I saw the drugs in his drawer. That is a another story.

It's just lies upon lies and it is a mess....

I will keep you guys posted. This is not over by a long shot.

Damn Jennifer, this bites. I'm so very sorry you had to endure this horror and then an unsupportive family after the nightmare. Talk about insult to injury. ((((((((((Jennifer))))))))))))
I know there's nothing I can do or say to make you feel better and there's a long uphill battle for you to climb. I hope your Mom "hears" you. I hope she finally puts herself aside and allows you in and loves and comforts you because that is all you really want from her.

[jmo531]

((((((((((((((Pickle)))))))))))))

Thank you for the hugs. Very much needed right now.