Forgetting the bad..

Im still with my partner. I was supposed to be saving every little bit of money I could in order to leave with my children.. but as time goes on, I gradually forget what type of person he is and the things he has done to me.
He works away and came to visit this weekend for 2 days. Although the visit was terrible in general. We did have some nice moments together where I found myself wishing it was like that all the time.
I seem to block out the horrible things he does and remember all the good. Until something bad he does brings it all back and something inside me screams to leave.

Any advice on how to stay on track with leaving? When I think about everything realistically, i dont see a future for us anymore.. but i also feel so hurt and scared of the change

Whether you ultimately leave him or not, it is important that you squirrel some money away in your own savings account. Make your children the beneficiaries. I have one. It is not a checking account and I have no checks or debit card so that it would be convenient to spend any money from this account. It is for emergencies. I make sure something--if only $20.00, goes in it every month. When you are taking care of three, the chance of an emergency is at least 3 times greater. Your self esteem is low so you are not saving because you are not valuing yourself. Think of it as saving for your children. Perhaps that will motivate you. If you save consistently and for a longer period of time, perhaps the money will make eventually leaving him less scary. Or he could change -- don't assume he will but I think anything is possible. I do not ever plan to leave my H, yet I need to have my own savings account in my name only. I firmly believe that everyone needs to have this. While your H is working, please, please do this....

Thanks hoping. I had saved 3k away over the past year. Sadly my vehicle broke down and i had to break into it to fix it up.. but i do still have some left. H said he was going to repay some of it back, so that's what I was waiting on..
Iv always been a saver!
I know ultimately we cannot continue this relationship. I cannot take his actions any longer..
I just need to keep it in mind while hes away and im not faced with it everyday if that makes sense. Just such a scary change. As much as I want to leave, im scared he just wont manage without us.

Hi Zedsdead

I'm sorry you've been going through such a tough time
And it can be easy to believe that those "nice moments" could be who that person is/can be deep inside and push "the rest" to one side........take some of the blame for "the rest"..........try to justify "the rest"..........try to move past "the rest"..........
But "the rest" is just as big a reality, actually the bigger reality.

And I completely understand how it may be hard to see it that way, afterall you probably made a real emotional investment in the relationship, maybe you want to see the best in it.........maybe the way he's behaved has knocked your self esteem and self confidence a little (??) making it harder for you to categorically say "that is not acceptable, I don't have to live like this".

But..........maybe start by writing down all of the things he has done which have bothered/hurt you..........that may help you see the "bigger picture" a little easier.........and even imagine that it is someone you really care about who has brought you that list of how someone has treated them..........now how might you feel about your or their situation??
And...........it might help you by thinking about/remembering how you should be treated...........how you should be able to expect someone to treat you...........using that as a comparison as to how he's treated you..........it can sometimes be easy to just "accept" some behaviours overlooking how you should be treated.

And I totally get that change can be scary.........so maybe, if you haven't already, list all the possible options/opportunities if/when you do move on e.g. a bit of research on the help/support out there, where you might live, what you might do.........just so as you have something tangible to work on........some assurances.
And bear in mind that it might feel real hard at first, it might be real hard at first, but ultimately don't you think you might gradually find yourself much stronger, more self assured, more confident without him??



Alison

Thank you so much for putting it into perspective!! He really does make it easy some days when he is especially mean to me. You are so correct about wanting to believe the good things he does is the real him and the bad things are just situational. I guess it is the way i have justified everything happening for the past couple of years.
I know that if my friend or sister came to me with these problems, i would have a hard time understanding why she would stay in such a horrible place.
I'm going to jot down everything he does daily and when I start to forget and get lost in his manipulation, im going to read back over everything.

Thanks again. It really helps just to read that im not going crazy and this is all normal.