[WrkNPrgress]

For the first time since we broke up.

We both went to the same show and we were in full view of each other but we didn't have to interact. I knew The Ex would be there so I was nervous. It's been months and the Memory of this person who was verbally abusive to me has had a lot of hold over me in that time. I'm still working through it all. So I've had a lot of imaginary angry conversations with them. I wasn't sure how it would feel to see them in person and I did not want to have to interact.

The other element of this was that she was with a group of our common friends, whom she hangs out with on a regular basis but I have not seen much of since the break-up (that's another story). I felt a lot of shame around the fact that so many of our friends were still seeing her on the regular basis but I felt left alone. That night, I didn't pay much attention to the Ex or the old group but the few times I caught a glance over there, they all looked miserable and stressed out. I thought, 'that seems about right.' Oh, yeah. That group was kinda stressful at times. They were not having fun.

I was with some other new friends; friends I made since the break-up, friends that support me for where I am NOW and support my anger and hear me out about the abuse I suffered from her. My new friends and I had a GREAT time. We laughed. We talked. It was a good energy.

What I realized was this: I was having fun because I am ME and I bring my own energy to the group. I can have fun when I want to. Turns out, I'm actually a lot less stressed without that person around and that night was proof of it. I am worthwhile. I am social. I am loveable. That's mine.

[Fredje]

It's amazing how you handled that. Everyday I am still afraid and looking if I see my ex... hoping I will see her so she can see how great I am doing.

Everytime I hear about her or speak her name I get these weird feelings in my stomach and my backhair rises ( can't really type anything sencible right now, tired ). I want to meet her, but on the other hand I do not want to meet her.

I recognise the conversations you had in your mind. I don't have them anymore, until I think about how much I hate her and I want to see her suffer. Right now, I'm seeing another lovely woman and she keeps me sane.

[WrkNPrgress]

Thanks, Fredje.

I had been talking to my therapist about how much "bigger" the memory and imagined presence of this person has become since I cut off contact. It was the right thing to do but "she" was becoming a thing in my mind and I didn't like the power that was having over me. Much of that power was tied to my fear of interacting with her and whether or not she could still hurt me.

Before the show, I just had a session where I tried to imagine speaking back to her and 'giving back' all her insults and labels. That helped a bit but what's been helping the most is making new friends that I could vent to and finding myself again around people who support me fully. Our city is not small but small enough that most of my social circles overlap. I knew I would see her out eventually and I've been honestly actively avoiding going out or very careful about what I do and with whom, since the break-up for that reason.

Seeing her at this time, with these people around me, and at that distance, was just about right for me. It was like Gestalt exposure stage 1 or something.

Thanks for the reply and good luck with your journey.