Memories, Triggers and Flashbacks: Oh My!

As a child I was sexually abused and as a result I’ve spent years avoiding all physical contact with people, if someone would accidentally brush up against me I would feel nauseous and panicky. I started counseling a little over a year ago and have recently started to crave (non-sexual) physical contact, especially from my therapist.

I actually asked him for a hug at the end of one of our sessions, and he agreed. It felt very warm and safe & secure, and he would give me a hug at the end of our sessions for several months. However, after a meeting with his co-workers, he “realized” (AKA was told by the owner) that they had to stop, he stated that there was some fear that it would become detrimental to therapy, which is ironic because it was in fact the decision to stop said hugs that caused the problems, as far as I am concerned.

Anyway, I’ve recently started to have some medical issues which prompted my regular doctor, to recommend me seeing an OB / Gyn, who ordered a pelvic ultrasound, which I had done this morning.

It effected me more than I imagined it would. And much to my horror the movement of the probe caused a sense of physical arousal, which of course triggered flashbacks to the past.

At this point I’m so overwhelmed by emotions that I feel numb. (Anyone, ever have that experience?) I’m afraid that once my brain is ready to process these emotions they’ll all come flooding back in at once and I won’t be able to handle them. Any suggestions?

Hi,
I am sorry for your recent experience with your therapist and doctor.

I completely understand what you mean and feel like this very often. All I can say is that everybody has their own way to cope. Our brain is "smart" and will find a way. Feeling numb is in fact your brain coping.
Take care of yourself today and in the next few days, get as much rest as possible, treat yourself to your favourite food, sleep a lot, do anything that you think might help you! It might sound silly maybe, but even the smallest things can help greatly. Give yourself time to process everything. x

How are you feeling today?

I also had a pelvic ultrasound and "probe" recently, it was my first with the probe and it really triggered off my ptsd . I think the worse part was I was not aware it was going to be taking place on that day as I was just rushed into the appointment so I had no time to mentally prepare myself for the invasive procedure. I had to take myself somewhere else mentally while it was happening and felt drained, gross and just miserable for a few days later. It really hit me that I am not as far along in my recovery as I thought I was

Kind of numb, in an anxious / panicky kind of way. Luckily for me I have a great therapist, who called to check up on me and spent a few minutes helping me calm down a bit, and made me promise to call him if I need to.

I'm hoping that it doesn't all come crashing back in on me at the same time... hopefully I can work through it all slowly.

Thanks for checking on me.

I know exactly what you mean. I spent the past year struggling and fighting to make a little progress and suddenly I feel like it's worse then when I started. I know (logically) this is a temporary set back and things will get better... but right now I don't feel capable of being logical... All I feel is empty... I just keep reminding myself that I have a great T and he'll help me through this... Hang in there, it will get better.

Thank you! and to you also

For me, the emotional derailment inflicted was far worse than any physical ailment I could ever imagine having!

I was triggered so badly that my doctors and I have agreed that we'll never this to me again!

I appreciate their realization and understanding of how detrimental this can be for survivors of childhood sexual abuse!

Yes well, if there wasn't some pretty intense pain involved with all of it, I wouldn't have gone in the first place. I'm just really lucky to such a wonderful T to help me through it.