Today feels so empty................................... .........................

Here it is again the middle of the night. I cannot sleep and words fill my head once again. Seems I have been here alot lately and I am sorry for that. Maybe I should be stronger but I find no strength right now. I am trying to hide and secrets from the past are overwhelming me as I sit here.

I reveal my fears and tears only to the pages of my journal. I try to hide away things that would give away the secrets I live with. Sometimes I cover up with a blanket so no one can see my face that holds so many secrets that may lurk through my eyes.

I dare not let myself go totally to sleep so that I can be aware of any movement. It is an alarm system I have known. Even though it is safe now, I cannot seem to shut it off. Often as a child, I could bring myself into consciousness if I felt anyone cross my line of vision as they would walk into my room at night. It was a safety mechanism. Then I could shut my eyes and turn myself off from what would happen.

I would lay there motionless, somewhere between sleep and awake. Somewhere in the middle is now where I find my rest. And even though this is the safest I have ever been, I still cannot sleep. Words move in the night in my head. Somehow I have to write so someone knows what lies inside.

I have always found my journal to be a relief for me. I feel it is a way to keep my past silent until I am ready to let someone in. No one can know who I was back then. My journal allows me to expel my emotions and hurt on the paper, black on white, page after page was my safety.

Sometimes as I write, I go deeper and deeper into the place that holds the secrets. It was necessary to bury things so painful and heartbreaking. Bury it deep where no one could find it. As time goes by the place where the buried emotions are-fills my mind--threatening to erupt.

It is like a stone around your neck. I am afraid of looking at anyone with eyes that look past you as if there is no life left in them. Eyes--incredible empty eyes.

I was afraid always--afraid of doing anything wrong. Of being awake when I was to be asleep, or being asleep when I was to be awake, or if I gave the wrong answer to a question--that I would be hurt. Somehow I would learn a lesson--always.

I froze with fear when I would hear someone come in my room. I could hear them approach but I shut my eyes except for a crack. I waited and waited for a sign of someone present--breathing, creaking of the floor, anything that could tell me that they were there or not.

I was incredibly scared and desperate to breath, but I did not dare move. If someone were there, they would hurt me. So I layed sometimes for hours in silence hardly breathing, and the immobility I had perfected.

Petrifyed with fear and the uncertainty of not knowing if they had left or was just playing another cruel game. I counted the minutes, as many as I could. I was not sure what came after 30, so I would start over and over again.

Eventually, I would get exhausted and fall asleep. The wishes and beliefs of childhood are among the strongest emotions we will experience. For me, I wished and hoped that someone would step in and help me. No one did anything--no one cared.

So many times I would sit and cry, never loud enough for anyone to hear. I would sit for a long time with my empty cries to God for help. I would wipe my eyes and ask, "Why can you not hear?"
"Why won't you finish it?"

Killing me seemed only a dream, but strangely enough, that dream of one day taking my own life gave me a sense of comfort. I look deep into my soul for something to hang onto.

But I find nothing except a pool of tears that would never make it to my eyes. Only now the pool was full and I could not take anymore. I try to forget about the pain--just let this end and let me rest. I prayed to God to take my life and take me away from that place. To take me away from this place called home.

But He never did. And sometimes even today, I ask. Forgive me for writng this as I have never let myself go this deep. I just needed to let go, to tell someone. Sometimes it seems so dark and I try to shut off what goes so deep. Sometimes I just need to say it.

My heart is heavy and I am scared. As morning is just around the corner, I feel myself beginning to close back up. Maybe now, sleep will come for awhile. Maybe now, the breath will come back and once again I will find a sense of safety even for awhile.

Thank you for allowing me to write.

camilionwords1truth

I am so sorry for what you have had to endure through your life. I am sorry that you still lie awake waiting. That can be so hard and terrifying. I hope that you found some sleep last night. My heart goes out to you and I understand. Please take care and I hope you start to heal from all the pain from your childhood. It can be a slow process but you can heal. Take care.

BB

I'm glad you have your journal that "works" for you and am sorry about the middle of the night thing, forced into being awake at night is one of the things I least like in all the world. Glad too you feel you can write here. Do you have a T? I found the journal and T combination very powerful in helping me.

((((camilion)))) i pray that the healing light will shine for you in this darkness. may you finally get some much needed rest. i love you hunni. i am always here.

your friend
recluse1

I am sorry you are going through such atough time right now. I too journal alot. It has been a vital part of my recovery...my journal is always there for me--I can count on it when I don't have the strength to reach out to another person.