[bluevixen]

Hi!! this is the hardest thing i have ever had to do...i have never put in word's before..(written down)...i've never told my T the whole story..no one know's the whole story...i feel sick...my earliest memory is taking a bath with my dad...he would have me wash his part's...i was a wee tot...my next memory is at 12 thru 15...my dad would have big parties and he would get me drunk and stoned...all of his friend's would take advantage of me....i was scared to tell anyone...i was raped by my best friend's brother when i was 19..(knife point)...i never told anyone....what really upset's me...i wasn't turned off by sex after all the abuse...quite the opposite...in 2004 one of my sister's confided into me and told me our dad molested her when she was a lil girl...made me sick that i never knew before..so i could have saved her from the pain...needless to say all my life i have confused love and sex...i need to vomit...i was never able to do anything right in my dad's eye's..he didn't love me...so i have been searching all my life for love...it's amazing i never feel love from anyone...like i'm not good enough...needless to say i keep picking men that i beg for love and attention froma nd i don't get it...and they think i'm a nympho..in turn they don't trust me...i hope i put this in the right place...wasn't sure where to post this...something came over me to post my feeling's here...thank you all for listening...bluevixen

((((((((((((((blue vixen)))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry this terrible thing has happened to you, well several terrible things. I can relate to the mix up between sex and love a lot, i was fairly premiscuous in my youth I suppose, looking for love in the wrong way, my parents didn't love me, I could never do anything right either, I was hurt and used by a lot of boyfriends. I too never truly feel loved to be honest. I hope you will overcome this and heal in your own good time the way I am trying now. I was abused too, by my mothers lover who was a pdoc. Feel free to pm me if you like.
Just know none of this was your fault, I think you are amazing to write your story and it's the first step to healing. I send gentle hugs if that's ok and wish you love and care.

Jinnyann xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[chalmette70043]

(((((((((blue)))))))))))

I'm so sorry that all happened to you. I wish i could take it away so you'd feel better.

I havent known you that long, but i've grown to luv ya. I just wanted you to know that. No matter what i'm here for you.

chalmette

[DePressMe]

I too was abused as a child/teen. It scars us...steals our childhood. I am sorry you are dealing with this, but it sounds like you are on the path to recovery. Thanks so much for trusting us with your story.

[Mouse_]

blue Geez I'm sorry thats awful!

I am so sorry that this happened in your life.... and getting mixed up in the love/sex combination.. that happens to many and is so painful in of itself.. the legacy of what happened to us.. the ones that have been abused...

I wish and pray for healing for all of us in this forum.

I also, have started to get angry.. at the people that have hurt us.. have hurt our current life with their actions in our past..

Sending healing thoughts your way...

[Soidhonia]

(((VIXEN))). I am sorry that you are struggling with all of this all at once. It is good that you are sharing your story here at this time. It is sad that you had to endure all of this pain in your post from your father and the other issues as well that you have been through. I hope that you will one day be able to tell your therapist what happened so you can get the help you need. First of all nothing that happened is your fault, although you are left with so many scars to heal from all of the events. Just try to take things one day at a time and get the support you need when needed. Take care Vixen. Soidhonia