[kaleidoscopeheart]

I started going to couples therapy in December due to some marital issues and our T encouraged me to seek individual help as well due to some unresolved issues in my past (aka, a horrible childhood from the time I was 5+). I have done that and I love my T but it's really difficult for me when he uses words like "traumatic" or "abusive" when he references my life. I guess I am having trouble seeing it that way and struggle with the feeling that I probably deserved what I got. Does anyone else ever feel like this? I am pretty sure I am just firmly living in denial but I'm not sure how to get out of that. *sigh*

[justxholdon]

I was outrageously offended the first time a t used the word 'traumatized' to describe me. I texted my closest friends and was like HOW DARE HE and ranted on and on and they're were like ... you are aware that what you went through wasn't normal, and I had a lot of yes, but answers.

Yes, but it's not bad enough to be called trauma. Yes, but it's fine. Yes, but it's not a big deal. Yes, it's affected me decades later but whatever, it's fine.

I never attached the denial label to it but now typing this out that seems obvious. So yes, I feel like this.

My primary doc's tried multiple times to get me to verbally acknowledge some things and I deny them (so so so poorly) but I can't bring myself to say yes because it was so much worse for so many others. So I deny. And she doesn't believe me and asks again and I panic and deny and panic and panic some more while denying until she stops.

I feel like I can't call it what others do. I think for me, a part of it is that because I've downplayed it so much to myself that if I tell the details, they'll laugh and roll their eyes and ask what I'm making such a big fuss about. I'm afraid of not being believed even though they already believe me? Does that make sense?

As far as how to get out of it, I guess ramble in a box to someone else until things start to click? Kidding!! I guess figure out what's blocking you from applying those words to your experiences - would it affect how you see yourself? how you see someone else? What keeps you from validating your experiences?

Best of luck to you.

[kaleidoscopeheart]

I am also a "yes, but" answerer. I have a tendency to minimize things, I know this. I'm sure it's some kind of coping mechanism but it has served me....well, not great BUT it has allowed me to function. I think there is a part of me that is afraid if I admit my childhood was abusive or that I didn't deserve it, then I have to deal with whatever comes with it. Until now I have been able to convince myself that everything was justified or not a big deal so to challenge a lifetime of thinking like that is hard. The last time we approached the subject I ended up having my first panic attack. It was awful.

If it were anyone else (my T likes to put things in perspective using my kids usually....he might be evil) I would feel it was abusive or traumatic but I just can't seem to apply it to me. :P

[justxholdon]

I so get you.

I too, think it's a coping mechanism that allowed me to stay 'high-functioning' but at this point in our lives, I'm not sure it's working anymore. Not with us anymore at any rate. Definitely working against us.

I was reading a book about EMDR and how its basic premises is that traumatic thoughts that weren't processed correctly get stuck, in a way. And that once you do process them and learn what you can, the rest gets let go. And that was the first time it really made any sense to me why there's such a big push on having to deal with an unresolved past.

Eventually, you're going to have to process those feelings and it sucks and I don't want to do it either. It will be hard.

But isn't it worth it? If it's even vaguely possible to find a way to let it go, to move past it, to find a future with your husband and kids that isn't weighed down by all this?

You're still you, regardless of what happened, and from what it sounds like, you're pretty awesome. I'm sorry for what happened to you and for where you are now, but you've got a whole bunch of strangers on the internet that'll be here for you and cheer you on.

Panic attacks are scary and no fun but temporary. It's hard to remember in the moment but they do pass. You will breathe, your heart will slow, and things will fade back in. If it helps, think of it like swelling to an injury. It's instantaneous and scary and makes you all stiff, but it goes away. You can apply an ice pack to swelling and you can apply several coping techniques to a panic attack. You can do this.

[TheDragon]

Originally Posted by kaleidoscopeheart

I started going to couples therapy in December due to some marital issues and our T encouraged me to seek individual help as well due to some unresolved issues in my past (aka, a horrible childhood from the time I was 5+). I have done that and I love my T but it's really difficult for me when he uses words like "traumatic" or "abusive" when he references my life. I guess I am having trouble seeing it that way and struggle with the feeling that I probably deserved what I got. Does anyone else ever feel like this? I am pretty sure I am just firmly living in denial but I'm not sure how to get out of that. *sigh*

I go through a very similar experience in therapy. I know I'm still partially in denial, but I think that reaction is natural after surviving. I've been told the best thing to do is talk about it whenever you feel comfortable enough to, and as you talk about it, it'll slowly become real and that's part of the healing process.

Sounds nice in theory. Too bad it's not so easily done!

[kaleidoscopeheart]

Originally Posted by justxholdon

But isn't it worth it? If it's even vaguely possible to find a way to let it go, to move past it, to find a future with your husband and kids that isn't weighed down by all this?

That is exactly what I am focusing on. I have so many defense mechanisms and I struggle with my emotions and just feeling things in general. I often feel like I may be a cyborg or something. Bottom line is my family deserves better than what I am able to give at the moment so I keep going back in hopes that I can eventually break down some of these walls and be the wife/mother they deserve. <3

Originally Posted by TheDragon

Sounds nice in theory. Too bad it's not so easily done!

So. True.

I will be the first to admit that therapy has turned out to be a thousand times harder than I ever would have imagined. :/

[PumpkinPieHead]

Hey Kaleidoscope, one of the biggest hurdles I ever jumped was accepting words for "trauma" and "abuse" to describe me.
I too, was led to believe I deserved and was even told it was helping me to build character.
I still struggle with it, but the process of recovering only came to me once I began calling what happened to me what it is.

[Luminar12010]

i know exactly what you mean, i really did not like having the word "abuse" used to describe what happened, i found it shocking. Like many i had spent many years minimising what happened, and making excuses for it - to hear it described like that by a psychotherapist then a psychiatrist - i really did feel odd, and still do