Emotionally Abusive Fiance

Wow! She is obviously not balanced emotionally. An emotionally healthy person doesn't feel the need to lash out and hurt others.
You may also want to look into the possibility that she has BPD -Borderline Personality Disorder.
I have found that narcissism and BPD can look similar from an outside perspective.

To be honest I hadn't considered this. That is actually quite possible that she may have BPD, something I'll need to look into.


Thanks for taking the time to answer.

As I read through a good portion of this thread it's nice to know you are making the right choice and ending this relationship. I can't understand how you could love someone like that who treats you so badly. Was that kind of behavior something you grew up with and consider it normal?

Honestly, the fact that you have tolerated her for this long and put such effort in to please her goes to show you that you are certainly capable of finding and being with somebody far better than her because most men would not put up with somebody like that as long as you have without losing their mind and going crazy on them.

No offense to the actual women here but she is a true ***** because any female who treats people like that is the reason why such a term is used and as such, females like that aren't worthy of being called "women".

I can't understand how you could love someone like that who treats you so badly. Was that kind of behaviour something you grew up with and consider it normal?

It's the nature of abuse. Abusers do not start off that way - but once they become that way, they have you convinced you have done something that "caused" it and if you just "change" things can be good again. He actually saw it fast.

Do you think they need to be in control because they are unhinged and insecure?

Yes, they are excruciatingly insecure!

Which is ironic because she had the cheek to say that I am the insecure one!

That is classic "projection". They project what they are onto you. Try to make you feel like you are the one with all THEIR problems.

Thanks for your helpful answer there,


Is this projection just reserved for abusers in general or also for Narcissists?

Yeah,me too.Now that I have awakened,I would NEVER allow
this again.It is like the 'master' talking to the slave. By the
way,look up N.P.D. (narcissistic personality disorder),see if
you recognise behaviour.

I know it is brainwashing. That's why I initially left him. It's also why I won't let him do/say certain things - but there is also a degree I have to allow. It sounds odd and unhealthy I know. Honestly, it is and I know that too - but to do otherwise would be unhealthier for us both.

Both of us are in need of mental health counseling. Where we lived previously, they were messing us both up more and inciting the abusive behavior which is how it ended up getting to the extreme it got. I was lucky in the end, and got a counselor that figured it out - without me telling her (bc I was tired of hearing them say it was my fault) and educating me on abuse and then getting me out. I was then unlucky in that 2mo into staying at the shelter (I was just getting set up on a program to help me get a pkace to live), the shelter decided I was suicidal after my boyfriend left me so sent me to be evaluated - I passed that but I was having chest pains so the hospital kept me for observation. When they released me the next day (a Saturday), it was 15min after the workers left the shelter, so I called the hotline to tell them I was ready for pickup. They said they did not know where the hospital was (even tho it was the same one another girl had been picked up from a week prior) so I tried to explain, they still claimed they did not know where it was. They wanted my room number and desk phone number. I told them they cannot reach me in observation. They did not believe me. So...they hung up after I gave them the info. An hour later, I called back n they said they could not reach me. I said I know n asked if they would come pick me up. They still claimed not to know where the hospital was. The community buses had closed by this time. We were not allowed to taxi to or near the shelter. The hospital would not let me go without a ride. Only other person I knew was my abuser. I called to make sure it was ok I stay with him til I can go bk there. He said ok. I called a taxi to take me there. I called shelter to tell them I could not be bk til Mon due to no buses til then. They said not to come back, to pick a place to drop off my things.

He and I did not go back to counseling there so things did not go really bad again but I almost got arrested bc I was in the middle of putting a restraint order on him. We been working on things on both sides since then. I tell him when he is getting overly abusive (when he calms) and he tries to control it more, and I been doing what I can to regain his trust since my internet affairs. We moved about 6mo ago and have not been able to get into counseling but we want to - and the neighborhood we live in is triggering him a lot...which brings out "bad behavior" in anyone. He is trying to curtail it by removing himself from me - but bc I have BPD, sometimes that is hard on me too .. So sometimes I fire it off by coming around him when he needs "alone time". So right now - its just a really stressful time, but he is doing a lot better.

I can give you comparisons if you want. And the angry remarks have only been the last few months n we been back together almost 3yrs now ...but I already told him no marriage til all this is worked thru, he agreed quickly.

She was bad for telling me what to think, correcting me or using looks/stances to intimidate me (if I didn't agree with her or stood up for myself.)

Does anybody think this is abusive?

* If there was one night that I didn't do the washing up and she noticed this, she would do it herself but when I tried to talk to her explaining that I was too tired then she would just ignore me and give me the silent treatment for a short time.

She pretty much said that she 'can't rest' until the washing up is done each night which I think is a bit strange. Ok, don't get me wrong it's nice to live in a clean and tidy house, but her knack for clean and tidy is a bit overkill in my opinion. I other words it had to be done her way (as usual.)

Thanks for your helpful answer there,

Is this projection just reserved for abusers in general or also for Narcissists?

She does sound very controlling, yes. The silent treatment. Yuck. I hate that. It's a form of punishment and avoidance and disempowerment. It's a go-to tool that emotional abusers like to use. It's very passive aggressive.

My ex-bf would give me the silent treatment when he was mad at me. Instead of tell me what I did or said that upset him, he'd sulk silently for days on end, to punish me for whatever perceived slight etc. he thinks I did against him.

How are things going? Do you think you'll stay or do you think you'll eventually leave her?

I have left her now which took a lot of courage to do and was difficult.

She is being quite nasty at the moment in regards to letting me pick up my belongings from the house etc and she is demanding money from me etc.

I know that was a hard thing to do but it was also a very important thing. You have taken a big step and I am proud of you. ❤

As far as her not letting you in, etc. Call the cops and let them know the situation and that you just want your belongings back. Either that or you can get a court order for it. The important thing though is that you got out of there. Things can be replaced - you can't.

It's looking that way where I may have to take legal action against her to retrieve my property.

She's taken the keys off me so I have no access to the house plus she is ignoring my phone calls and texts when I contact her to pick up my stuff.

In a weird way I still feel sad and depressed that I'm no longer with her but I think that's because I am not 'used' to being on my own just yet.

But overall as you say the most important thing is that I'm no longer in a toxic environment.

Congratulations on taking your life back, Depressed-Fiance. Her actions show you her true colors, unfortunately, in that she is an emotional abuser and is mad that her convenient abuse target (you) is gone now. She'll have to find someone else to manipulate and control now that you're gone.

I hope you can find a way to get your property back. The fact that she took your keys away, has gone no contact, is intentional to inconvenience you from leaving her.

You may want to consider filing a claim in small claims court, to retrieve any furniture, clothing, or utensils etc., from your ex-fiance. In the UK, a Google search states that the limit to file is £10,000 for property loss claims.

Does that make sense?

You're on the right path for yourself although it may not feel like it right now. Just hang in there.