[RedVixen]

Hello everybody
First of all I want to say that I am not an English native speaker, so I'm sorry for the language mistakes.
Then, this is my story:
Since I was born I have had a father and a brother always insulting me in many ways: telling me I don't worth anything, I'm not able to do anything, everytime I try to do something I make bad things because I am stupid, I am ugly, I am ridiculous. So they continued making fun of me everytime I wanted to say or make anything.
So I started to avoid speaking and I started to avoid making anything... As you can understand I wanted them to stop hitting me and I thought the only way was stopping living. But this wasn't enough. They continued anyway accusing me of doing everything wrong and making me believe I was the most ****** person in this world.
I also had a mother and a sister who were indifferent about this.
This continued until I was 16 years old. Then I killed my father and my brother in my mind. I started to ignore their existences.
Now I am 27 years old and I live with the same family. I don't even say hello to them when I see them. We don't talk anymore.
I thought I killed them in my mind but I have to realize they have always lived inside me and they still do... Because I hate myself. I really think I am not able to do anything. I really believe that nobody can love me and that nobody wants to stay with me. I really think I can't do anything worth in my life.
And I really believe my only option is suicide. I have always thought about it during my life, but recently I'm thinking about it everyday and I desire to crash my body on the floor after throwing myself from a very high building.
I have no hope.
I am 27 years old and I have never had a boyfriend. In the past I had some friends, but now I don't have friends anymore. Nobody can understand what it means to live 27 years without love, without a hug, without a touch, without a caress, without a "how are you?"
Since I am a beautiful girl there are many boys and men looking at me, but everytime a man looks at me, I turn tail and I run away, terrified.
It's a year and a half that I attend psychotherapy, but I keep feeling worse and worse day by day.
I'm always sad, depressed, angry, resigned, I never want to do anything and I always feel like I'm not really here.
During my life I have contacted many forums in my language, but as a last resort I decided to try to have opinions from people looking a different sky from mine

[Skeezyks]

Hello Vixen: I'm so sorry you have had so much difficulty in your life. No one should have to grow up under these conditions. To me, it seems amazing you're still hanging in there as well as you are.

I know you wrote that you've attended psychotherapy for a year-&-a-half. That's great! But, as you well know, so long as you continue trying to survive within your current circumstances, psychotherapy can only be of so much benefit.

I wish there were something solid I could offer you in the way of suggestions. But there's not. Really it sounds like what needs to happen here is for you to get away from the home you're currently living in. And, from what you wrote, it sounds as though that would be extremely difficult. Hopefully, though, coming here to PsychCentral & writing about your concerns can be of some comfort & support. It appears you're in the U.S. Have you ever tried calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline? They're there to help with any problem:

1 (800) 273-8255

(text: 741-741)

That may be another possible option for you. Anyway... posting here on PC, & replying to other members' posts, can help too. So please stay with us & keep posting.

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome to pc.

Welcome.love the way you said at a different sky from mine. That is a beautiful image. Do you write? If you can paint that image in other than your native language, bet you can write very well. Could you find a group or class doing something you like....like writing??!! Be around other people, out of your house for awhile. Seems to me your feelings are perfectly normal given your situation. Please write here again...I'll be looking forward to it. When you feel like it, would you tell us from where you view the sky?

[RedVixen]

Thank you all, I really appreciate your compassion for me. Your words are so sweet and so friendly that I would like there were more people like you in this world for example, I wanted my parents to be as sensitive as you are!!
I know that it's good for me to be out of my house, but as you understand it's not easy, because even if I am not so young, my parents want me to tell them everything I do when I'm out and I can't tolerate this! Moreover, growing up without their love and their understanding made me become a person without self-confidence I think I'm not able to do anything good and I'm frightened to try to do everything I think that anything I try to do it will be a failure.
In these conditions I can't build a life I love and I don't know what to do - I don't know where to start
I envy other people, they seem so determined, with no fears at all, they know what they want and they know what they want to do. I would like to be like them.
As you asked, I specified I live in the US because it didn't let me continue my registration without this information, so I wrote Memphis because I love Elvis Presley but I am South European
Thank you again for your kind words, I appreciate them so much