Always a target for narcs and abusers -- how to change this???

Good post.

Often people choose unhealthy relationships because that’s all they know, it’s the only familiar, the only normal (often comes from what we see as children, how we grew up). People often shy away from healthy option because it feels unfamiliar, wrong, not normal. That’s why we often feel the most strong chemistry with wrong peopke: our bodies respond to familiar, to what we know.

It sounds like we are pretty much doomed. But not really. One can do the work and learn aboit themselves and stop looking for unhealthy relationship. Got to challenge yourself and be honest with yourself. Not always easy. But keep eyes on The prize.

I feel doomed.

Smart observation. Neither did I. Until I did.

We often don’t know what to look for. Some people have it come to them naturally because they have a model growing up. Some don’t really have that. So it’s trial and error

I felt doomed at some point too. I can relate. I did a lot of thinking and exploring with my t. You aren’t doomed.

I must be in the trial and error stage. I want to get better, but I don't know if I can change.

I need to keep talking to my T. I do feel doomed, but perhaps I'm not.

I just feel like giving up. Last night I had a date, there was no real chemistry and I missed my most recent guy. I kept thinking of him the whole time.

To be honest with you golden_eye, when it came to meeting different men or people in general, I never thought "is he/she a narcissist?". I preferred dating guys that were fun, respectful, and outgoing. I never just hopped in bed though and it was clear that was what a lot guys wanted but I wanted them to respect me, respect my boundaries before I thought about getting more intimate. I did not want some guy "just" thinking about me sexually, I wanted him to think about "me" as a person. You can still be a sexual being, but it's better when there is more than just that and you can be intimate personally before experiencing the other individual in a sexual way.

Given my history, if I do decide to date again, I'm going to have to think this way. I'm going to be paranoid about attracting unhealthy people, narcs and abusers.

Usually I don't jump into bed quickly and I wait. Usually.. not always.

Just find your pattern. I used to go for "interesting" types. I have learned my lesson.

You certainly get lots of dates, eve! And now you are missing the last guy, who replaced your getting over the fiancé. Has it always been this kind of a whirlwind?

I don’t like throwing labels around “Narcissist”. I rarely even thought about mental health before I came to this site. It’s probably better to simply address actions and such.

One example of Narcissist Abuse for sure, in addition to Matt Lauer, is the gym coach who gave the girls ‘treatments’. BTW- I met Matt Lauer once, and he totally stared at my boobs!

lol.. well, I was active on two dating sites after my fiance and I broke up. But now I've gone inactive. The only reason for last night's date was because we had been in touch three months ago before the last guy and I met. I was curious...

But now I am going to try and take a dating break for real. And no, it hasn't always been a whirlwind. I've taken off months at a time in between men.

I need to be aware personally of narcs and abusers, so the labels help me. I need to watch out specifically for these types and avoid them.

Yes.... thank you.

Thank you for writing those words. They touched my heart and are true for me as well but I didn't see the truth.

Glad this helps you too. Yes... I am facing the truth of the matter myself. It is hard to admit to myself, but there it is. I was desperate for love. Right now, I want to not be desperate. I want to be cautious and smart.

(((((Hugs))))))

I'm also in the same category. I've spent my life being attracte to overly narcissistic men. I can run the tape again except that after everything that has happened I get also a revulsion to these typs and it's a gut reaction. It took me awhile to understand that I am better off alone than with some men who I happen to have been attracted to and drama of our dysfunction. I also mistook sexual attraction for emotional attachment and caring.

What I miss most is not sex but warmth and affection in my life.

I understand this. I, too, get a revulsion now. I never mistook attraction for caring, but I am very trusting and I have put my trust into the wrong people.... I have been too open and accepting because I wanted love, affection and attention.

I know I will miss these things too. Sigh.

Excellent post!

I appreciate all of your comments. You are divine!

This. Oh so this. I can't tell you how that simple sentence hit me straight in my heart.

God Eve, I can't tell you how many circles I went around and around with, hoops I jumped through, vicious cycles of pain, shame, remorse, and guilt over my mistakes all for my "desperation to find love." The thing is, I never gave up, and I threw my arms up and surrendered to the fact that it wasn't really ME doing this, it was my desperation doing it FOR me.

I accepted all types of bad behavior, ignored every red flag, and let my sexuality run wild because I was "conditioned" at a young age that having sex somehow led to love and a committed relationship, not the other way around. But that's my personal false truth, not yours. All I am saying is, by identifying what was holding me back, and literally PULLING myself out of the desperation mode, and walking my path ALONE, love found me in more ways than one.

You may not want to hear this, and it will probably be REALLY hard to do, because the loneliness is unbearable at times, but finding yourself right now by having more friends in your life, (even male friends), with the idea of "the one" out of your mind for a while, will probably be your key to ultimate happiness. It will take practice, and by God it is NOT easy, but girl, I gotta tell you, it is SO worth it in the end.

I am still rooting for you, in my own way, because I know you are capable of this because of the huge heart you have and all that you have to offer.

Still your cheerleader as always!

LadyShadow, thank you so much.... I am just seeing your post now.

Yes, I do need to be alone now. I am fearful of this, but I know it is what is needed. I do have friends, but I could always use more! Probably more female friends than male..... I have a fairly active social life, but it mostly revolves around the music scene and that social group. Sometimes, I find myself going to shows by myself. I probably could fill my life up more with actual activities with friends..... I will get there one day, once I move... I have to focus on moving right now and a new job.... so much going on!

But yes, I am in agreement with you. I think I need to maybe find peace alone somehow for now.. .and to forget about meeting "the one".

TY for being my cheerleader! I really appreciate your words and support!!! ((((((hugs)))))))

I dont have an answer for you but thank you for asking such a great question.

I think you answered part of the question. it is your nature (& mine) to attract ...
I am also kind, empathic, understanding "nice" ... Abusers don't get attracted to themselves. They dont gravitate to unkind, "bad" - they can't do anything with that!

After an emotionally abusive relationship, i ask myself the same question.
I am not ready having left fairly recently but I know that I will not RUSH into anything.

I do think that we have to really learn to like our own company, to be our own best friend first - not looking outside. To do more life sustaining activities, to be informed re unstable, manipulative types, to get strong, to NOT reveal vulnerabilities too early . These guys FEED on (perceived) weakness after all. To accept that no matter who we meet "what we see is not always what we get" (esp. early on) & only time will tell, as we try to learn more.

You are clearly improving.
I am not as advanced as you but I am also getting there slowly.
Best, p

YES and YES on all your points! And good for you for leaving your relationship! That's the most important step... next is recovery.... do take good care of yourself during this time. (((((((((hugs))))))

I think you do. Sadly that is the world today. Filled with more narcissists than I'd ever want to know. If you are nasty, you will be better off. This can be very hard for some of us but we can learn.

I don't have it in me, unless someone is being a jerk.

Eve, I’ve had similar problems with my relationships all of my life. I kept trying to pick different people, but until I healed some things in me, I couldn’t properly recognize (or even draw) healthier people. It was only after lots of therapy and self-work that I was finally able to choose a good, kind person. Included in that self-work was getting to the point where I was totally okay with being alone for the rest of my life if it worked out that way. There is truth to that tired old adage about finding someone when you’re “not looking” (aka not so invested in finding someone to love you). Don’t give up! It will happen. As others have said, just worry about Eve for now.