**T/W** What my abuser called "it" T/W**

This has been bothering me a lot lately. I was sexually abused from 5-10 and I'm starting to come to terms with how manipulative my abuser was. I was told semen was called "special love." I had to take my clothes off to get special love. I had to let him touch me in ways I hated and engage in oral sex because only then could I have love. Love. Sex was love.

I just had to type these words. I'm sorry.

I am so sorry that happened to you. Did you get professional help? You might want to write a letter of restorative justice...that says..this is what you did, this is how it made me feel; you can keep it for yourself or send it. xo

my daddy did similar things to me from twelve to fifteen years old. but was not limited to oral sex but every possible way of doing sex. my therapist say is root of me having two different personalities as my escape from reality when stressing

I’m in therapy now with a female therapist. I’ve seen her for 8 months and at my last session I finally told her I was abused as a kid. Nothing more. I said I couldn’t talk about it. It came out only because my bf noticed the signs and asked me directly if I was inappropriately touched by someone. I didn’t know how to respond so I changed the subject and had to bring it up with her at my appt to find out what to do should it come up again. I was surprised that she told me I didn’t have to tell him anything (because I don’t see him as an emotionally supportive person in my life). She said I could deny it or continue to redirect him to something else. I guess this opens the doors to discussing it more with her but I really really REALLY don’t want to.

I’ve never heard of a letter of restorative justice. Maybe someday. I’m too scared to put the words to paper. Even now as I type this I am in private mode on my browser. It just hit me last night how F%#*%ed up it was of him to call it love. My whole life I’ve struggled to understand love and believing it only comes with sex.

Bunnyhabbit: I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I hope you found the right combo of meds to help you. I rely on Xanax way more than I should but it’s the only med that can turn off my flashbacks when they come on strong.

MAY TRIGGER

A lot of people out there in the world confuse sex with love. I'm sorry your abuser took advantage of that situation and used it to violate you.

This confusion of sex with love is why some people become promiscuous, as I did when I was a teenager. I felt ugly and unworthy. Every time a boy or young man used me for his pleasure, I thought it meant that he liked me and found me attractive. See? I'm not so undesirable after all. That boy/young man wanted me.

No, he really didn't want me. He wanted to brag to the other guys about how often he's getting some.

When you're looking for love, some people will offer you sex instead. They aren't the same thing.

That's pretty blunt too, but it's the truth.

Cali95, I'm so sorry for what you went through. It's a horrible thing to grow up with that kind of twisted, sick abuse. Its not your fault and you didn't do anything to deserve it or cause it.
It will be very hard to talk about what happened, but when you feel strong enough and ready for it, its important that you do get it out in therapy or at least in journaling until you're ready talk about it with your therapist. It's important for your healing to work through the abuse. Hiding it only prolongs it's hold over you.

Arbie, I experienced the same skewed viewpoint as a teenager. I thought that giving sex would get me love. I was molested at 13 by a 26 year old. I thought I was in love with him & that he loved me. That experience changed the trajectory of my life and led to a lot of promiscuity as a teen and into early adulthood.
Now I recognize he was a pedophile. But at 56, I still feel dirty and unworthy because of my early promiscuity. I'm still trying to work that out. Therapy is definitely helping me though. I hope you have a good therapist too.