[Xeraine]

I am currently a 19 year old adult yet I still feel as if I am a child at times. I apologize ahead of time for the vulgar language that will be used in this post but I censor it all and they are only used as examples.

Throughout my life there are few moments that I can recall feeling truly happy and the few moments that I have felt true happiness were a long time ago. Ever since I was a young child, young enough to say that I have trouble recalling exactly how young I was when it began, I have been physically and verbally/emotionally abused by my father. I can remember times that me and my younger brother would do things that most would consider normal of children such as having a messy room or general misbehavior in youth and our father's reaction would often be to take a belt upon us and proceed to whip us with it sometimes leaving bruises or other marks in places easy to conceal, he also struck us with his hand on several occasions whether it was "spanking" or a slap across the face or similar actions. He has also been very verbally and emotionally abusive saying such things as "Your going nowhere in life" and calling me things such as "Psycho ******", "Stupid C**t" “Disgusting” etc.

I have severe depression and anxiety and have had a history of self harm, I struggled in high school because of these struggles and from about the age of 13 I have experienced symptoms of dissociation. My father is also extremely religious and has told me indirectly severally that I am going to hell because of me being pansexual which has also contributed to the emotional distress that I have felt throughout my life. I have also been thrown about between homes from my father when I finally ran away from the situation at the age of 18 to staying with my grandmother who at the time seemed understanding but then threw me away back into the horrid situation only giving me a week to find somewhere to live thus forcing me back into the same abusive household and into the same toxic environment. I am now told on a daily basis to simply "get over your pathetic self" by my father. My father is also blind and since I was about 10 years old I have been taking care of him only to be screamed at and hit when I did something wrong. We also have opposing political views and thanks to him watching so much mainstream news he now refers to me as a "snowflake" every time I have an emotional breakdown. When I have an anxiety attack I am apparently throwing a fit or having a temper tantrum in his eyes. He cannot understand the way I feel about anything and downright refuses to. When I do try to explain my feelings to him and I am quickly dismissed as "A p#ssy *ss snowflake" or "A dumb ****** who has no clue how the world works".

My brother acts quite honestly as if he has been brainwashed agreeing with everything that his father has to say going so far as to say that me and him deserve all of these horrible things that have happened to us in our lives and he hardly ever defends himself when our father calls him retarded or yells at him about how he can't do anything right. I have been told by separate people that both PTSD and Borderline Personality (traits) were possibilities but anyone that I have seen says that I definitely have Depression and Anxiety.

Phone calls are one of the things that trigger my anxiety and I have been yelled at and called a "crybaby ******" for wanting to wait to make any kind of necessary phone calls. I do manage to make such phone calls but only when I am not constantly being criticized and pressured to do so as this only causes me even more stress than the high amount of stress that I already encounter on a daily basis trying to live in this kind of a home while being a full-time current college student and coping with the depression and anxiety I already had. I am constantly being told how selfish and immature I am for wanting to be left alone when he puts this pressure upon me or when I am having a depressive episode. My mother passed away when I was around 14 years of age although she had already not been a stable person in my life for about four years prior and I have also been compared to her in the past by my father.

There are many times when I am either trying to get work done for my college classes or simply trying to keep myself sane in this kind of a household and he will pressure me even further telling me to “stop being a candy *ss and get s**t done around here” at other times he will say that I am being lazy and that he is tired of “dealing with my bulls**t”. It is extremely difficult for me to cope with all of this when I hardly ever get a break because I rarely have an opportunity to leave home and sometimes I just don’t want to because of my anxiety of being around people. When I am in public spaces I just can’t help but to feel like there is constantly someone there looking at me or that people are judging me negatively. I just feel stuck in this situation as my only other choices are living on the streets or some sort of shelter and if I end up in a shelter I won’t be able to help out very much because of the heavy emotional load that I feel. At times I seriously do think of what it would be like if my life would just come to an end and while I am not actively suicidal I do think about death I feel an unhealthy amount and I am passively suicidal in the sense I seriously feel that if I died naturally by some sort of accident I wouldn’t really mind. My father throws things such as phones, silverware, plates out of anger and then he says things to other people on the phone and in person as “she’s such a crybaby ******, I can’t deal with her bulls**t all the d*mn time, I might as well buy her some f#cking diapers while I’m at it” (yes, this is an actual quote from him, he said it earlier today in fact).
He also made fun of me for even considering becoming a freelance artist when I was younger, laughed right in my face and told me to face reality and did similar things with all of my other interests. He even laughed at me when he first found out that I had cut myself as if it was no big deal and has said many times that he wouldn’t really care if I did kill myself because it would be god’s decision to judge me in the end and he did nothing to me so he would feel no regrets, I’m sorry but when you have had suicidal thoughts since the age of 12 there is definitely something wrong and not something that anyone should be poking fun at as if they are watching some sort of sitcom.
I am just unsure as to what steps I should be taking to get the hell out of here as quickly as I possibly can without as I said, being forced into some kind of shelter or on the streets. I really don’t want to give up on my dreams of actually having a positive future quite yet and I want to force my way through college but even that is a bit of a struggle as things are, I am seeing a therapist soon and I am taking all of the steps to attempt to help my mental health but it again is a difficult situation and my mental health I feel is declining simply by living where I am. I am unsure what sort of advice or wisdom anyone can provide me here but if nothing else I feel it could at least help to share a bit of my story here and hopefully let off some steam so thank you all for reading through this admittedly pretty long post.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Xeraine : I'm sorry you are having to survive under such horrible conditions. I take it, from what you wrote, there's no possibility of you being able to live on campus at the college you're attending. You mentioned you'll be seeing a therapist soon. That's certainly a good thing. Hopefully coming here to PC can also be of some comfort & support.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. May I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

[mostlylurking]

Hi Xeraine, things sound quite dreadful for you at home, I'm so sorry.

Have you considered contacting social services in your area to find out if they offer emergency housing that might be applicable to you? There may be community mental health services, housing assistance, domestic violence shelters, and other things that could be available to you. Could you do some Googling?

You are definitely being abused at home, so I hope there may be services that could help.

I know it would be hard to reach out, but others won't see you the way your father sees you. That is his problem, his anger, his unfairness, his mental illness. There are others who can see you more accurately and with kindness and compassion. I feel a lot of compassion for you, I don't think you deserve any of this and I really hope you can get some help and can escape.

[TishaBuv]

Welcome to PC!

There is a way out of your hell. Keep posting and relating to others. Therapy would be good. You can stand up and make it on your own with your education and work.

[wordshaker]

I think what you are going through definitely warrants "escape" and that you might want to consider going to a domestic violence shelter. Everyone deserves to be safe, and maybe you can access some kind of housing and support to get a foothold in life. Is there anyone else in your family that might take you in while you get through school? Advice of clergy or counselor? Please open up to someone and find support to leave.

Maybe your college counselor can help?

[profound_betrayal]

Originally Posted by Xeraine

I am currently a 19 year old adult ...
I have been physically and verbally/emotionally abused by my father.

...

I have severe depression and anxiety and have had a history of self harm

My brother acts quite honestly as if he has been brainwashed agreeing with everything that his father has to say going so far as to say that me and him deserve all of these horrible things that have happened to us in our lives and he hardly ever defends himself when our father calls him retarded or yells at him about how he can't do anything right. I have been told by separate people that both PTSD and Borderline Personality (traits) were possibilities but anyone that I have seen says that I definitely have Depression and Anxiety.

....

There are many times when I am either trying to get work done for my college classes or simply trying to keep myself sane in this kind of a household and he will pressure me even further telling me to “stop being a candy *ss and get s**t done around here” at other times he will say that I am being lazy and that he is tired of “dealing with my bulls**t”. It is extremely difficult for me to cope with all of this when I hardly ever get a break because I rarely have an opportunity to leave home and sometimes I just don’t want to because of my anxiety of being around people.

... I am not actively suicidal I do think about death I feel an unhealthy amount and I am passively suicidal in the sense I seriously feel that if I died naturally by some sort of accident I wouldn’t really mind. My father throws things such as phones, silverware, plates out of anger and then he says things to other people on the phone and in person as “she’s such a crybaby ******,
...
He also made fun of me for even considering becoming a freelance artist when I was younger, laughed right in my face and told me to face reality and did similar things with all of my other interests.

...

I am just unsure as to what steps I should be taking to get the hell out of here as quickly as I possibly can without as I said, being forced into some kind of shelter or on the streets. I really don’t want to give up on my dreams of actually having a positive future quite yet and I want to force my way through college but even that is a bit of a struggle as things are, I am seeing a therapist soon and I am taking all of the steps to attempt to help my mental health but it again is a difficult situation and my mental health I feel is declining simply by living where I am. I am unsure what sort of advice or wisdom anyone can provide me here but if nothing else I feel it could at least help to share a bit of my story here and hopefully let off some steam so thank you all for reading through this admittedly pretty long post.

Xeraine,

it is truly heart breaking to read what you have been through. It is no wonder you feel as if you are reaching the end of your rope.

Firstly, let me say that I think that you are amazing! In spite of everything, you are still trying?!! The constant negativity is toxic, corrosive & yet you say >> I really don’t want to give up on my dreams of actually having a positive future << You have something. The trick is to try to outlast the adversity running on whatever fuel you have left!

You brother is probably agreeing because thats the only way he can cope. He's not fighting back ... As for your father? there is NO religion in him - just illness with that kind of behaviour. So whenever he tells you anything re hell etc, he has NO authority anyway

He will attack your dreams re your college classes & freelance goals. He want to undermine. Fears any success -

I hope you get the help you need re therapy (& maybe art therapy might interest you since you are interested in art?) And then see if you can move out the minute you are able to. You will never be able to cope with him fully if you can't objectively get 'outside' of the toxic mess that he is. PLAN - maybe you can get help? You don't want to end up on a roller coaster either. Are there 'safe places' or other types of accommodation that the therapist can advise?

[profound_betrayal]

oh, one more thing. I read something earlier.
You survived the abuse, you will survive the recovery

Keep going but see if you can get away from that toxic environment!
Best