[Metanoia4]

I have made the decision to leave someone so important to me, but also very emotionally abusive. I don't want to go into great detail about him, but I'll say some. For 5 years he felt like my soulmate. I finally found someone who gave the word 'home' a meaning. We became so involved in each other's lives that we knew each other like the back of our hands.

A few years ago it was like once he knew I was comfortable, he took off his mask and showed me his real self. I didn't speak up about it until a year ago to my best friend, and after countless nights of explaining, she helped me realize how abusive his behavior is.

Things are really bad, but I don't think he knows what point I'm at right now. I can't talk to him about it. I will get yelled at, told the way I feel isn't real, and that he didn't do anything wrong. Then I will start to believe him. So right now, the best thing I can do is silence. We haven't spoken in about a week, and the week prior we barely talked.

I am trying so insanely hard to not allow my 'fix it' part of me take over, like it always does. I keep trying to tell myself that what I'm doing is okay. I'm allowed to leave someone who is abusive. But it's so frickin hard. It's so hard.

I can't even explain how much I want to call him. Hear his voice. See his face. Have one second of good to outweigh the bad. It hurts so much. You would think I would feel better about leaving someone like this, but I really don't. I feel horrible.

I don't know what to do. I feel so incredibly alone. I'm seeing a therapist, who funnily enough I started seeing because of this relationship, but he had to cancel tomorrow's appointment. I was going to use it to talk about this decision and now I don't even know what to do.

I can't handle the thoughts and feelings that I'm dealing with. This last week I've been masking them with a substance, but when that wears off I feel worse. I just feel so alone.

I think I'm posting here for support and stories of inspiration. I need help. One of the main reasons I held off on leaving him was this feeling of being alone. I knew it would be intense, but I didn't think it would be this intense. It's almost like I feel worse than I did before the decision to leave him and it makes me want to go back.

[Unhinged88]

I got out of a bad relationship last October after 4 years. It is difficult but you can do it. I was afraid of being lonely. I was told over and over that no one else would want me, etc because of my issues. But when I finally adjusted to being on my own, it wasn't so bad.

I knew I needed to leave when I didn't want to go home anymore. And when I was home, I felt uncomfortable and depressed, wanted to just die than remain there.

Just remember how you felt when you were there. Remember that it wont change, you deserve better and are worth more.

[starfruit504]

The way out is through. It may seem like it's better to go back to him but it's not. You're feeling an intense sense of fear and loss at this moment -- but the alternative is that you will feel this same fear and grief and loneliness in the relationship in a distilled, drawn out, soul-sucking way if you stay with him. The present intense turmoil WILL PASS. If you stay with him, the pain will wear you down forever, with no end.

The way out is forward. It's hard. It's the hardest thing in the world. But you can do it. On the other side of it, and there's definitely another side that you will eventually come out on, there's your life. Your life is waiting for you to take it back. It's ready for this strong, hard, fearless person to rescue it -- and pick it up again.

You deserve peace. You deserve to be loved for all that you are. You do not deserve to be abused. There is nothing that you could do to deserve his behavior.

Please stay strong.

[Metanoia4]

Unhinged88 - Thank you so much for your kind words. I am really happy you were able to get out of the situation you were in. I'm so sorry you had to go through it I am trying really hard, and will continue to try. It's so frustrating feeling these negative emotions after leaving a negative situation. It almost doesn't make any sense, but I'm holding onto the hope that I will feel better soon.

starfruit504 -

the alternative is that you will feel this same fear and grief and loneliness in the relationship in a distilled, drawn out, soul-sucking way if you stay with him.

Wow I can't even explain how this one sentence totally stuck out to me. You are so unbelievably right. Thank you so much for laying it out like that. I really needed that. I'm ready to take my life back as well. I know I became a much different person from fear. I want to be myself again. I owe it to myself.

[Gablesgirl1061]

Yes, you owe it to yourself. You definitely don't deserve to be abused. Detaching emotionally is probably the hardest part of leaving an abusive relationship. They feed you crumbs of kindness to keep you hooked and off balance. You think about the good times and want them to return, but they become less and less, while the abuse gets worse and worse. Over time it wears you down until you become numb and dead inside. They are soul crushers. The sooner you can get out, the better off you will be. I am sometimes lonely, but I remind myself that that is better than being abused.
For me, getting angry about the abuse helped me detach emotionally. I didn't have a big blow out, I just quietly got more and more pissed off about what he did to me and the love I so freely gave him. The righteous anger was empowering to me and helped me gather the strength and courage to leave after 30 years of abuse.
I hope you are able to emotionally detach soon. There are abuse hotlines in the US that you can call for immediate support and encouragement.
My therapist has helped a lot too. I'm sorry yours had to cancel when you are at the turning point. That probably felt like abandonment by the one you turned to for help. Even though you logically know that stuff happens in other people's lives that forces a change in plans, it can still make you feel lost and alone.
You're a survivor, do what you know is best for you. Take time to really heal and don't jump too quickly into another relationship. Live for just yourself for awhile.

[Skeezyks]

I'm sorry you are in this most difficult situation & that the decision is so hard for you. Here are links to some articles from PsychCentral's archives that may be of interest & hopefully will provide you with some of the inspiration you seek:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/true-s...-relationship/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-on...-relationship/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-a-...-relationship/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-ways...-relationship/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/in-an-...steps-to-take/

I wish you well...