[youOme]

I'm sure we've all heard this tune before, living in an abusive relationship and to scared to leave. I've always perceived this behavior as weak when I saw my mother do it, but now that I live this way I understand that all my energy is spent tip toeing on cracking ice.

I used to post on the occasional awful events happening in my home with my husband. Mostly the abuse was verbal in these days. The warnings of progressed and worsened abuse for surely happened. Now I am bruised and criticize to the point where I wonder if it's worth living at all.

Before he would tell me all my thoughts and acts were wrong....always always wrong, and nothing I did ever improved. Now I'm worthless, fat, compulsive, out of control, trashy, and stupid....also lazy.

Before he'd squeeze my arms and occasionally sock my legs leaving hidden bruises on my body. Now he squeezes my neck and intimidates me with balled fists and bulging eyes. He's even come to the point where he will abuse me in front of my two toddlers, it's become almost daily.

I'm aware of what you'll say. I'm also aware that I am destroying my children by staying here, that I can get control and run away. I live in fear....even the fear to run.

*shrugs*....I contemplate an escape all the time, but there's no where to go...I am a full time college student and fear I'll have to drop out of college if I leave him. I will have no help. If anything, tolerating his piece of %#@&#! *** till I get my degree is slowly but surely running away. But for the first time ever in this relationship I realized he is capable of killing me.

What would you do if you were me?

[salukigirl]

the children is what makes it hard. i was still in high school when i lived with abusive ex-boyfriend. what did it for me was, he had a girlfriend pregnant whom he met before me. his baby-mama if you will. well one night when he was drunk (like always) her and i tried to do a make-shift intervention i guess on him and she said "if you keep doing this to jessica i will not let you see your child". well he pushed her down onto the ground while she was 7 months pregnant. i also had been spit on, threatened my life, hit me, pushed me into the fridge you name it he did it. and one day while he was at work i got all my stuff and packed it into my tiny little ford escort and left.

where do you live? there are battered womens shelters all over the place now that will give you and your children a place to stay. them seeing you get beaten up like that is probably more traumatizing then him hitting them. these shelters can help you out big time with counseling and all kinds of stuff. and if you have to drop out of college and go back later who cares? waiting a couple years to get your degree is less important than your life. shouldnt your term be almost up? i know we only have 5 weeks left. so look for an apartment now. get a full time job if you dont already have one and find an apartment and leave. if you dont sign up next semester so you can work and save money you can always go back. every day at least 3 women die from domestic violence. its much more real than you think. dont give anyone your new address at all! i made that mistake and my ex boyfriend found me. so now i live 400 miles away and go to a different school. if you dont leave he will eventually kill you! please go somewhere. if you are anywhere near carbondale, il you can stay at my house as long as you get the hell out of there.

I hope you reach out to others. Maybe in a therapist if you feel you can't leave now. Its easy for all of us to say we'd leave, but I think you need to get yourself a support system that helps you gain the strength to do that.

(((((((((gentle hugs))))))))

I am so sorry you are going through this. In the UK we have 'safe houses' for abused women and children, is there anywhere like that you could go? They are not allowed to let your husband know where you are by law. If I was in your situation that's what I would do, I know it's not easy at all, I so wish for you to be safe, no one should have to put up with this. You obviously are worried about your children and rightly so, this can't go on sweetie, for all of your sakes. Can the police be informed? After all it is assault......Just dont make things worse for yourself. He sounds like a bully and a waste of time, I could go on but he is your husand afterall, I don't want to push my luck.....

Be safe, reach out here, gentle hugs to you and your little ones, Jinnyann xoxoxoxox

[youOme]

I think my biggest fear about women resource centers is the rules and confinements. I spent a lot of my youth in facilities like this...and I most definitely don't want to be treated as though I was in the wrong. My friend spent four months at the local women's resource center and said she had to earn passes to be let out of the building, the are locked in by gates. I can't go back to that.

I think what I need to do is figure out a way to get him out of my home legally and have a judge say he's not allowed to disturb me. He follows laws, I've never seen him break any.
Him coming for me afterward wouldn't concern me, because he's a puss like that. But my strongest fear is him trying to fight for custody of our children.....this would devastate me. This is of course one of his intimidation threats...if I was to ever leave him.

I need to get my stuff together and be as strong as I know I'm capable of being. The funny thing is I've seen this all before with my mother and the many men in her life....I never wanted to end up like her....in a way I have.

[Perna]

I would make myself safe and then get back to school later, when I was safe. I just got my second degree and I'm 57; it is possible to go back to school but much much harder to recover from if he physically hurts you or the children.

I met a woman this summer from Pakistan who lived in London growing up and at one point her parents shipped she and her 5 sisters back to Pakistan and into arranged marriages; she was 16 at the time. Her husband was abusive (as were her parents) and her husband used her skills in English to teach/make money for him. Eventually they moved back to England for his job and from there she finally convinced him to emigrate to America. Once there they became citizens after a bit and she immediately got herself and children to a shelter and filed for divorce. She had planned the whole elaborate thing as she couldn't get a divorce in any other way and get away from him! She is now in her last semester at college, her children are older teens and she's finally getting a life.

Do whatever it takes to get away; then everything "else" can follow. There will always be excuses to not leave; and if he takes any money you get from a job, then what will you do. That will complicate things rather than help. It is "simpliest" now with good things in front of you. Go to a counseling center at school or the library, wherever to find what resources are available and get someone's help in planning how to use them. Write to a shelter in the next city or whatever and get their help. Go to the nearest university legal aid office and see how/if they can help you, etc. Make yourself a network of support and then do it.

[salukigirl]

i totally agree with perna. school can always be done later. but if you stay with someone you think could kill you there might not be that opportunity if you dont leave first.

[RiverX]

Hi Ome,
If you read Patricia Evan's books 'the Verbally Abusive Relationship' or 'Controlling People', it might help you build up your morale and clear thinking so help you make a plan.

Even if you find it difficult to get time with 2 small children, if you could read just a little at a time, it would mabe be a start.

good luck!

riverX

[recluse1]

i must say that i agree with perna. find out what your options are. what type of assistance you will need and the places that offer it. safe houses sound like the best bet for immediate relief and they aren't like they used to be. most offer asistance with school, job search and training, even child care. they could even help you find a place to live. safe houses have a whole network of people they work with to help women in your situation.

as a child raised in that environment myself i beg you to take your children and run. when he becomes bored with breaking your will, most likely your kids are next. please keep that in mind while pondering your decision. i dont think it's a "should i stay or should i go". it's a when and where and as soon as possible I WILL GO. your kids are learning this behavior. and just as you didn't want to become your mother, if you dont leave, they will become you or their father. it's a cycle YOU have to break.

[recluse1]

one more thing....i hope you are deleting your browsing history after you post here or he will be able to find this site and maybe figure out these are your posts. take precautions because this would surely enrage him.