[NotDeadYet]

Problem is I don't remember if I have, I don't have much memory of before the age of 8-9. I don't want to make it seem like I'm creating a false memory or that I'm just saying that I did to get off in some sick way, maybe its to somehow make my rape fantasies that I had not seem so bad (gah that sounds really weird T-T). I could never handle stories of rape and molestation, last time I watched one in a movie I got super paranoid and scared, the thought of it makes me paranoid and scared I spent a good while crying at the thought. I have read articles with symptoms of it to. Another problem is, I don't know who would have done it I don't remember anyone that would do such a thing nor do I think anyone in my family would do something that sick either. The only thing I know about is that I was quiet and aloof in pre-school and they said I may have been molested? But that was denied since I was just finally starting to speak then after being mute for the first 3 years of life and I wasn't a very social child then. I think they accused one of my Uncles but he (apparently, I'm going off of a second hand account and my memory isn't that great) got highly defensive and denied it. I just don't know, thinking about this makes me want to think about it less and forget I ever thought about it. Ignore it as some off handed thought and never think about it again completely denying the possibility and never look back. Any advice on what to do would be helpful

[Sunflower123]

It might be a good idea to work through this with a therapist or a hypnotherapist. Best wishes.

[Misssy2]

Not dead yet...... i know this is an awful feeling because I have that "wonder" about myself as well.

And I have talked to many therapists about it because other people that I have had relations with also think I have had sexual trauma.

Same as you...some TV shows bother me..especially the ones that talk about child molestation.

My Grandfather was accused of sexually coming on to a little girl in our neighborhood. I didn't know anything about this accusation until I was much older but my Grandfather had the job of giving my sister and I baths when we were little and we lived with he and my Grandmother for about a year while my parents situated their lives after losing their home.

I have asked my therapist that IF this has happened..why wouldn't I remember something so intrusive...therapists say the same thing that you can read on Google that sometimes if something so terrible and traumatic happens to us...we want to block it out.

I still find it hard to believe that we could block something out so traumatic.

So how I deal with it...is I just keep talking about it with my therapist when something comes up like an aversion to something that happens in my adult life during sex that I think may be related to a molestation BUT I never can remember if anything happened or not....either.

It sucks.

[LaraR4444]

I am in a very similar situation.

All I actually remember is a wide variety of inappropriate instances that happened between me and some of my peers, and definitely an abusive situation though more intimate and personal than sexual between me and a "friend" for much of elementary school.

I have some bad associations with someone who is known to have sexually harassed others, but no actual memories. I used to have recurring nightmares involving a location that had to do with that person, and I always found that odd. I do remember a non-sexual thing that person did that I didn't like and have no idea what happened afterward.

I really believed I could fly when I was child and my mother kept trying to tell me that wasn't possible, but I was adamant that I could. I finally just stopped talking about it, not because I agreed that it wasn't true, and now I just remember how adamant I was and the imagery I had in my head.

I have other symptoms of having been abused, including a way too adult and warped preoccupation with sex when I was a child, horribly poor boundaries(that I've been working really hard on the last few years), and extreme reactions to rape scenes and hearing about rapes.

Advice:
Focus on making yourself as healthy as possible using what you do know and who you are now. Consider therapy if the triggers are too disrupting to your life or you can't improve your healthiness on your own. A lot of therapists now seem to be much more concerned with fixing what's going on now than delving into the past?

[Rose76]

It may well be that you will not be able to find an answer to your question. I would strongly discourage you from deciding to just pick an answer and stick with it. You can't unthink your thoughts. You can't have doubt surgically removed from your mind. Querying your parents might yield a clue, or it might not. They may simply not know. But, if aspersions were cast on an uncle, you have a right to ask that they give you an account of the circumstances that led to any suspicion being vented. The way to approach that is calmly. People who feel threatened are unlikely to share anything with you. I don't know what your relationship with your parents is like. If it's half-ways decent, you might sit them down individually or jointly and try and draw them out about what they know and what they ever suspected. There is an art to drawing people out. You're intelligent and reflective. Rehearse in your mind how you would go about it. People can best be drawn out when they feel safe. Maybe an opportunity could present itself when you are having a relaxed close conversation with a parent about something unrelated.

You sound like someone who needs a good therapist. You are describing a history of having disturbed thoughts. That has roots, but the roots could be complicated. They may or may not resemble what you conjecture them to be.

I was hospitalised at age three, almost four. Much of what happens to a hospitalised child can feel like molestation. It left me with some disturbed thoughts and feelings. Like you, I don't have much memory of that part of my early childhood . . . and yet I do have some very distinct impressions and some small memories. Some of them made more sense, years later, as I got some info from my mother. It is normal to want to make sense of disjointed impressions. It is also tricky. The human mind has a powerful tendency to create a narrative that seems to make sense. There is the phenomenon of "confabulation," whereby "gaps" get filled in by invented memories that can seem as real as actual experience. You clearly are aware of this and leaving room for that possibility. That's not to say that your concerns are baseless.

Ask yourself, also, what current problem you are trying to grapple with. The past is over and can't be changed. If you are having some major difficulty in your current life, which is really what matters most, then how do you see a mystery about the past relating to what's challenging you now.

How a thing is perceived by a child can be very different from how it would be perceived later in life. Sometimes, an experience that may seem shocking to an adult may not have been experienced quite that way by a child. Alternatively, a child can be very disturbed by an experience that was not an instance of anyone doing something egregious. (This is why we don't let children witness adult sexual acts.) I came home from the hospital with a story about how doctors and nurses were coming into the room where I slept and electrocuting other children. This was when 4 bed rooms were common in peds. They came in with boxes and stuck plugs into kids and were electrocuting them. I had a great deal of experience to "process" and I was misprocessing it big time.

I understand your need to get a handle on your past because my need to do that was very great. I don't know if anything I've said helps. It was kind of random. Mainly I would caution you against trying to impose a narrative on things whose connections you don't really understand. Truth is important. Sometimes we have to settle for not fully knowing as the most truthful thing we can acknowledge.

[black_kat22]

on a similar note.... lately i started thinking 'what the h**l happened to me?'. which is soon replaced by the thought of 'i never want to know'. but for me, it's more like age fifteen!

i can relate/understand probably half of your fears/thoughts, which is something i've never told anyone, EVER.....

and i could never understand how people could watch the tv show l&o:svu, which shockingly has been on for over fifteen years i guess

[growlycat]

I remember some abusive and neglectful things very clearly but not others. I have memories I am pretty sure happened but I can’t make sense of them. Even worse my grandparents told me about abuses I have no memory of at all. A therapist Han help you sort through it and what to do if you just may never know it all. At least that is where I am.

[RubyRae]

I think I have said this before somewhere at PC.

I think if someone has been molested they just "know",they have a "knowing" in their soul,even if they don't remember it.

And I personally don't think anyone should assume they've been molested because they think they have symptoms associated with it.

[Rive1976]

Originally Posted by LaraR4444

I am in a very similar situation.

All I actually remember is a wide variety of inappropriate instances that happened between me and some of my peers, and definitely an abusive situation though more intimate and personal than sexual between me and a "friend" for much of elementary school.

I have some bad associations with someone who is known to have sexually harassed others, but no actual memories. I used to have recurring nightmares involving a location that had to do with that person, and I always found that odd. I do remember a non-sexual thing that person did that I didn't like and have no idea what happened afterward.

I really believed I could fly when I was child and my mother kept trying to tell me that wasn't possible, but I was adamant that I could. I finally just stopped talking about it, not because I agreed that it wasn't true, and now I just remember how adamant I was and the imagery I had in my head.

I have other symptoms of having been abused, including a way too adult and warped preoccupation with sex when I was a child, horribly poor boundaries(that I've been working really hard on the last few years), and extreme reactions to rape scenes and hearing about rapes.

Advice:
Focus on making yourself as healthy as possible using what you do know and who you are now. Consider therapy if the triggers are too disrupting to your life or you can't improve your healthiness on your own. A lot of therapists now seem to be much more concerned with fixing what's going on now than delving into the past?

Wow I could of writen this.

[Rive1976]

Originally Posted by RubyRae

I think I have said this before somewhere at PC.

I think if someone has been molested they just "know",they have a "knowing" in their soul,even if they don't remember it.

And I personally don't think anyone should assume they've been molested because they think they have symptoms associated with it.

Where else would the symptoms come from? Some people dont remember abuse until they are 40 or 50.