I Want to Know If My Problems Are Real

Hello, my name is Matt, but I guess you could call me AllMight302 if you really wanted to. I’m 16, and I sought out this forum because I need some help. My sister and I have a very complicated relationship. For as long as I could remember, up until a few years ago, I was physically and emotionally harmed by my sister on a daily basis. We had to share a room, and a bed for some time. We just didn’t have a big enough house for the both of us to have separate rooms.

Whenever slightly provoked, she would bite me, claw at me until I bled, dug her nails into me, she has thrown heavy objects at me, she has hit me with various objects, she has berated me and made fun of me because of my weight, and would make fun of me anytime she would get. I couldn’t bear to be around her, she would hit me until I bruised or sometimes bled, she would treat me horribly for years.

Eventually I moved everything I had into the living room. My parents spanked her for acting out, but it never helped. Maybe they just hurt the problem and fueled her rage even further. She never quit until I was big enough to where she just couldn’t hurt me anymore. My parents also didn’t have the best relationship at the time, and would fight in front of us a lot of the time. They would curse and scream at each other until they were out of breath, and maybe that is what brought my sister over the edge.

The physical abuse didn’t stop until A. I was too big for her to truly hurt me, and B. When my mother took my sister to family therapy/counceling. The emotional abuse still happens to this day, but I’ll speak more on that later. My sister went to the therapist for a while, and began to taunt her “clinically diagnosed” bipolar depression around as a shield. She still berated me, calling me fat and worthless, and things of that sort.

Soon I was told to have patience with my sister, because she had a problem. One the therapist couldn’t figure out, nor my parents. I had trouble coming to terms with the fact the sole purpose for my childhood being bad should be whole-heartedly forgiven and I should let things go. I never brought my feelings up to my parents, they would just feel worse and blame themselves. I love them too much to let that happen.

Anyways, my sister attempted suicide with the medicine I take for migraines. After a couple of years of telling me, and my family, that we were the reason she didn’t want to live and called us horrible family members, again calling me a wortless brother, she finally attempted what she had spent years talking about. This is where I realized her problems may be real, and that I should take her seriously, but I just couldn’t.

To this day she taunts me with her attempt at taking her own life, she knows it breaks my heart. While not as often, she’ll still tell me that I’m the reason she is the way she is. I just want to know if I’m in the right or in the wrong in feeling the way I do about her. I don’t hate her, but I feel a disconnect with her. Her attempted suicide breaks my heart, but there is still a part of me that doesn’t see her as a sister, just someone I’ve lived with all my life. I just want to know if my problems are REAL.

I’m awake often at night thinking about these things. I’m not who I want to be, and I just hate myself. She has drilled into my head that I AM nothing. It just breaks my ****ing heart. I don’t know if I should see a therapist, and I don’t tell my parents my problems. I just want someone to help me understand if what I’m going throught is truly abuse, or if I’m just milking it. Life’s been unfortunate for my family and I, but those things don’t bother me nearly as much as she does.

I just need help, guys. Thanks for reading this.

Much love,
Matt

Yes, your problem is real. Yes, those are abuses. Your sister clearly has mental health issues but that doesn’t make the things she’s done to you acceptable. Doubting about whether the things they’ve been through are abuses or they’re the ones who exaggerating things, is a common behavior found in the victims of abuse. So does self-hatred. I suggest you see a therapist as you seem to need one. Hope you’ll get the help you need

I second getting a therapist of your own. The lifetime of abuse has left scares you need to deal with, you are not a failure.

Hello Matt: Thank you for sharing your story here on PC. I see this is your first post here. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I want to say, up front, that what you have suffered absolutely qualifies as abuse. And how you are feeling about your sister is to be expected. In fact, I'd say it's surprising you are able to be as charitable toward her as you are. Yes, you absolutely should avail yourself of the services of a counselor or therapist as soon as possible. This kind of long-term abuse takes a toll on a person's mental health. You are likely to be dealing with the after-effects of this for years to come.

Finding the right counselor or therapist, for you, can sometimes take a bit of effort. (Not every counselor or therapist works well with every client.) So if the first person you see doesn't seem to be a good fit, it's important to try others until you find someone you feel comfortable with. Here are links to 4 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of how to find a good therapist:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-do...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-way...ood-therapist/

https://psychcentral.com/find-therapist/

Since you're new to PC... there are a couple of other forums here that may be of interest to you. These would include the relationships & communication forum & the teens' lounge (no adults allowed!) Here are links to these forums:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...communication/

https://forums.psychcentral.com/teens-lounge/

I, of course, don't know how possible it is going to be for you to see a therapist any time soon. I hope you can. But another thing that can sometimes be quite helpful is journaling. You can write, here on PC, about what you've experienced & how you feel about it. But you can also create your own journal. Here are links to some articles that talk about the benefits of journaling & how to get started:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...mental-health/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-hea...of-journaling/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/techni...your-emotions/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/tips-to-start-journaling/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/4-jour...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/30-mor...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/weigh...know-yourself/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/weigh...dium=popular17

My best wishes to you...

Hey guys, thanks for replying so quickly. You guys have no idea how good it feels to know the stuff I’m dealing with isn’t just me exaggerating. But I live in Rural missouri, and therapists aren’t exactly plentiful around here. Since the general consensus is that I need to see one, should I look into online therapy or should I look into traveling a couple of hours away?

When I was abused I did everything in my power to hide it and to pretend that everything was fine during it - I didn't believe anything I went through was legitimate and thought I was being selfish or dramatic when I even approached the idea. This caused me to stay in the same situations longer, and become more hurt by everything.

If you experience pain you should acknowledge it. Talking about it is the first step to getting help.

Your problems are very real, and it sounds like you've been hurt a lot. Even if she has an illness, it doesn't invalidate the pain she's caused you and she isn't absolved of responsibility. I'm sorry you're going through this, I hope you can feel better soon, and I think therapy would be very helpful.

Your issues are definitely real. I'm sorry you've been through this abuse. No one deserves this. I think seeking therapy might be a good idea, as other people have suggested. Your sister's mental health issues are an explanation, not an excuse for her abuse.

I don’t live in the U.S. so I’m not sure, but I assume that in person therapy would be better. But online therapy is a good start if you cannot do the in person therapy yet. Keep us updated

Hi, Matt
For starters, I want to extend my strongest and whole-hearted sympathy to you.
I also want you to understand that yes, this is a real problem, and you have every right to feel the way you do. I also believe she does have a mental illness that needs treated and she needs to be watched very closely-- perhaps medication is not enough to help her.
Also, if she is threatening to hurt herself or commit suicide, it is not a bad idea to call the authorities and report it. Maybe that is the help she needs and is secretly seeking-- maybe being admitted somewhere to be monitored closely will help her. And once her condition is stabilized and under control, maybe then therapy will help her realize what she has done to you and continues to do to you is wrong and inappropriate.
However, I do not think you are in the wrong for not being able to forgive and forget-- this is abuse and it is a difficult thing to live with and understand that it is happening to you. I think it would benefit you greatly to receive therapy to help you through this difficult time. The therapist may be able to help you understand things you cannot do by yourself yet and help you in ways I may not know enough about.
I do know that you have every right to feel the way you do about this situation, your family situation, dealing with the abuse and trauma from your sister, and not knowing what to do next. Please remember that you are only human, and you can only do so much. You also should remember that you need to worry about you most. Worry about your well-being, your safety, and quite frankly, your sanity.
I wish you the best.
-AmberB96

Hi, Matt--

Your sister's mental illness is not an excuse for her abuse. Unfortunately, though, parents can focus more on the "sick" kid and not much on the "healthy" kid, even if the latter has serious problems. That's what happened to my brother and I. He was "sick" and I was "healthy", even though his issue was resolved with surgery. He managed to mooch off my parents for years and I was kicked out at 18.

You do need therapy for the abuse. Maybe you ask for it under the guise of "helping" your sister. If I were your parents I would also consider family therapy.

I'm new here but have to say I agree with previous comments. Youre problems are real and it sounds like you need outside help. I dont like to give unsolicited or bad advice but perhaps moving away from the toxic situation in your life might be an idea- you can't save a drowning person unless you are out of the water. Just speak from what ive experienced.