[Zedsdead]

Hello all, I am still struggling with a specific person after years of working towards leaving him and being free. Basically I am constantly fighting an internal struggle of guilt over the right thing to do.
When I left my children's father, he was cruel, intimidating and verbally abusive. Afterwards he transformed into being sad and suicidal which upset me but I stayed away. Fast forward to now, he no longer acts cruel in any way, helps when i need a hand with the kids etc. I am fully independent financially now, which helps a lot. Except he isn't.
He struggles to perform normal adult tasks, like paying rent, bills, food etc. He came to me for help 2 months ago, he had not been able to pay his rent or utilities so had no heat, electricity or food. He followed me and the kids when we moved 2 hours away so he has no family or friends close by that he can lean on either.

He is basically leaning on me to survive at the moment. I don't know why turning him away feels so evil.. I have the capacity to help... so shouldn't I? It feels wrong for me to help him, but also just as wrong to turn him out in the cold.

The problem is, he isn't even able to pay child support and hasn't for 3 months. I am struggling and he just clings to me for help. I'm tired of taking care of an adult..

Any input would be reassuring as I have told him today that he has to leave and get on with his own life. I'm feeling a little horrible right now.

Tia

[SorryShaped]

He might get three hots and a cot if you file charges for unpaid child support. He's really not your responsibility. Let him figure him out.

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

He might get three hots and a cot if you file charges for unpaid child support. He's really not your responsibility. Let him figure him out.

Ahh. The guilt of turning someone away is so painful. I need to get back into therapy.. but so difficult when trying to raise 3 children alone.
I pride myself of being giving and kind, but I fail at finding the balance.

[Stone92]

You did the right thing, telling him to leave. He needs to take responsibility for himself. He treated you badly all those years ago, and expects you to take care of him in return? It sounds to me like he's just found another way to try to control you and take your energy. Good for you, standing up for yourself!

[SorryShaped]

I've turned away people I couldn't help because I didn't have the mental ability to give them any more. I did feel guilty, terribly, but I realized that they weren't my responsibilities, and that I needed to be responsible for me and mine.

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by Stone92

You did the right thing, telling him to leave. He needs to take responsibility for himself. He treated you badly all those years ago, and expects you to take care of him in return? It sounds to me like he's just found another way to try to control you and take your energy. Good for you, standing up for yourself!

That was my reply.. he played the guilt trip card and asked why I couldn't be here for him during this tough time, but he wasn't there for me 2 years ago when I was circling the drain from his abuse. I had to seek help on my own and face my deepest fears.
I do feel he is sucking the energy out of me completely, I feel completely drained by the whole situation.

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I've turned away people I couldn't help because I didn't have the mental ability to give them any more. I did feel guilty, terribly, but I realized that they weren't my responsibilities, and that I needed to be responsible for me and mine.

Thank you. I wish I could realize the same. Every promise he makes I hang on to, I told him that I would allow him to be around in the beginning if he promised to go through the work of admitting the abuse and trying to change his ways. He was all on board.. until we started to talk about it. He got angry every time it was brought up, and there was never a 'right' time to talk about it. Even the most simple of promises.. he could not keep.

I recall you have two or three children--that, in and of itself means you do not have the capacity to help him (he should be paying child support). Providing all the financial support for his children is already doing more than your fair share. You have no logical reason to feel sorry for him. You are listening to your emotions too much instead of doing what is logical and reminding yourself of all the things he has done that prove he is a user.

[Fuzzybear]

Like people here are saying, don't let him guilty trip you or manipulate you into helping him. He is NOT your responsibility... and how terrible are you going to feel about yourself IF you do help him, after he has abused you so badly?? Not so good. Your self esteem will suffer, your mental health will suffer. You're already suffering of being sucked dry from him. Tell him he needs to figure it out on his own. Let him do it himself. He will find a way. He's not helpless. You deserve to be on your own without an abuser attached to you as an appendage weighing you down. You already got out of the marriage. You should be entirely independent of him, except for when you have to deal with the kids together. Think of it that way.

[katydid777]

I know it took a lot of courage to do this, and I greatly admire that. I also have a very difficult time with guilt.

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by Nowinners

I recall you have two or three children--that, in and of itself means you do not have the capacity to help him (he should be paying child support). Providing all the financial support for his children is already doing more than your fair share. You have no logical reason to feel sorry for him. You are listening to your emotions too much instead of doing what is logical and reminding yourself of all the things he has done that prove he is a user.

Yes we do have 3 children together. That's where most of the resentment comes from.. the fact that I do everything with them on my own. Financially and emotionally. I need to be strong. Thank you.

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Like people here are saying, don't let him guilty trip you or manipulate you into helping him. He is NOT your responsibility... and how terrible are you going to feel about yourself IF you do help him, after he has abused you so badly?? Not so good. Your self esteem will suffer, your mental health will suffer. You're already suffering of being sucked dry from him. Tell him he needs to figure it out on his own. Let him do it himself. He will find a way. He's not helpless. You deserve to be on your own without an abuser attached to you as an appendage weighing you down. You already got out of the marriage. You should be entirely independent of him, except for when you have to deal with the kids together. Think of it that way.

Thank you. I needed to hear it from somebody else because when I run these thoughts through my own head, I feel like I may be acting selfish. I have helped him for the past week, he has been sleeping on my couch, having dinner with me and the kids and it makes me extremely resentful over everything. I have brought up every single night that he should leave and everytime we end up in a heated discussion about how he has been trying for the past 6 months to pay on time and contribute... but bad things happened out of his control etc....
It isn't true. He can control his finances and not spend his money on crap, the only reason why he is in this mess is because of acting irresponsible with money.

Ahh.

I was physically and emotionally abused growing up and today while in therapy we touched base on why being selfish is so unnaceptable to me.. I have thought it is maybe because I have feared that I will turn out to be like my mother who is narcisstic. I feel good about getting to the bottom of my issues and can see a positive side to this sticky situation I have found myself in.

Thanks again guys. Really appreciate the input and reassurance. It helps more than you all know x

Originally Posted by Zedsdead

Yes we do have 3 children together. That's where most of the resentment comes from.. the fact that I do everything with them on my own. Financially and emotionally. I need to be strong. Thank you.

You have already shown a lot of strength. You have a tough job.