[cklasik]

One of my higher-ranked colleagues has recently made a series of remarks that felt rather 'not too neutral'.

1. 'you are going to be buggered around everywhere so why not go where they pay most'
2. I know of director; he is also gay...
3. You will be querried about this very often.

I might be too suspicious but a this combination is rather too obvious. Or am I reading too much into casual talk?

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by cklasik

One of my higher-ranked colleagues has recently made a series of remarks that felt rather 'not too neutral'.

1. 'you are going to be buggered around everywhere so why not go where they pay most'
2. I know of director; he is also gay...
3. You will be querried about this very often.

I might be too suspicious but a this combination is rather too obvious. Or am I reading too much into casual talk?

I would consider this abusive. I don't feel that you are being too suspicious or reading to much.

[Stone92]

I don't see what's abusive about those remarks, but I'm not good at picking up subtle social cues. I would call that more... awkward than anything else. It definitely comes off as less than neutral, but I don't know if I'd go so far as to call it abuse.

[Albatross2008]

Hard for me to tell without context and clues like facial expression, tone of voice, etc. It could be one of those deniable subtle digs, where you know they mean it as a dig, but you can't prove it.

[lilacsnow]

Originally Posted by cklasik

One of my higher-ranked colleagues has recently made a series of remarks that felt rather 'not too neutral'.

1. 'you are going to be buggered around everywhere so why not go where they pay most'
2. I know of director; he is also gay...
3. You will be querried about this very often.

I might be too suspicious but a this combination is rather too obvious. Or am I reading too much into casual talk?

Hi, on reading them I did not automatically think they were abusive but the context in which they would said could potentially make a difference.

When someone talks about being buggered around - they could just mean being messed around.

When talking about a director - and saying he is also gay, they could be offering additional information about him, because when people share sometimes they share too much.

When saying 'you will be queried about this very often' - was it straight after the previous remarks?? What was said before and after? I am not clear how it relates.

I think you could possibly be reading too much into it but difficult to tell without knowing the person or being there. Sometimes it can helpful to let situations like that go over your head, and I'd perhaps be more careful about being with or sharing with that person if I really thought it was meant abusively. If there was an opportunity later, I might try to check it out a little more by observing how they were with me again or with others.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by cklasik

One of my higher-ranked colleagues has recently made a series of remarks that felt rather 'not too neutral'.

1. 'you are going to be buggered around everywhere so why not go where they pay most'
2. I know of director; he is also gay...
3. You will be querried about this very often.

I might be too suspicious but a this combination is rather too obvious. Or am I reading too much into casual talk?

no I dont perceive these as abusive. to me its just like saying

yea theres always going to be someone somewhere that doesnt like you , you might as well just hang out with those you get the most enjoyment with being around.

I have a friend that is gay and .... I know my boss, doctor, laywer is gay or a lesbian...

I know that lady and she is gay (happy go lucky kind of person or a lesbian.

after telling someone that I was a lesbian they told me if I disclosed it to a mutual friend they would ask me lots of questions.

in other words to me these are all common ordinary statements people do say in common ordinary conversations. of course Im in the USA and you are in the UK so these statements may mean other things where you are. my suggestion is talk with your or a treatment provider who can tell you if these were abusive in your location with in the context of how and when and about what, those statements were said.

[nikon]

if these remarks are directed at your sexuality, they seem like harassment from a homophobe.

[cklasik]

Thanks for your replies. I agree there could be no proof. The chat was over the phone, and the guy is too bright to do anything that could get him accused of harrassment.

'Query' just sounds like queer in the context of buggering and 'being also gay'. This kind of associations gets used in comedy one liners.

There is no sure defence against this kind of 'buggering', is it?

[Albatross2008]

I think I can sense what you're going through. It's the same as if a person has weight issues, and one of her co-workers has a habit working words like "big" and "fat" and "wide" into the conversation at every opportunity. "Oh, those new office chairs are nice and big in the seat, Alice. You should be comfortable sitting in them." Alice knows it's meant to be a dig at her, but she can't prove it.

[cklasik]

Exactly, but a level more ephemeral because untrue.

Rather fatness, this would be something like insinuation of bad breath.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

no I dont perceive these as abusive. to me its just like saying

yea theres always going to be someone somewhere that doesnt like you , you might as well just hang out with those you get the most enjoyment with being around.

I have a friend that is gay and .... I know my boss, doctor, laywer is gay or a lesbian...

I know that lady and she is gay (happy go lucky kind of person or a lesbian.

after telling someone that I was a lesbian they told me if I disclosed it to a mutual friend they would ask me lots of questions.

in other words to me these are all common ordinary statements people do say in common ordinary conversations. of course Im in the USA and you are in the UK so these statements may mean other things where you are. my suggestion is talk with your or a treatment provider who can tell you if these were abusive in your location with in the context of how and when and about what, those statements were said.

That true! I will keep your advice in mind.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by nikon

if these remarks are directed at your sexuality, they seem like harassment from a homophobe.

I agree!

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by cklasik

Thanks for your replies. I agree there could be no proof. The chat was over the phone, and the guy is too bright to do anything that could get him accused of harrassment.

'Query' just sounds like queer in the context of buggering and 'being also gay'. This kind of associations gets used in comedy one liners.

There is no sure defence against this kind of 'buggering', is it?

I suppose it depend on how it used.

[cklasik]

The thing is I am heterosexual. I wonder if it makes any difference in this context at all.

I was wondering how to respond to such remarks coming in series.

Further to what I wrote about, when whatever I say with regards to myself, he finds his wife to share with me in common. Again, I am not a woman, and I find women men's equals. I suppose so does he.
What matters is whether this is a low key way of messing with me or not. No panic if he does, but that would case different light on what is happening.

You want a semi-formal chat as required by the setting and you hear that something is not right. It is as if a contractor fails his part, if you think of Eric Berne's transactions.

[Albatross2008]

It doesn't matter if the recipient of constant jokes actually has that trait or not. A person with normal breath gets digs about having bad breath. A person of healthy weight gets digs about being fat. A person of normal intelligence gets digs about being an airhead. And a person who is straight gets digs about being gay.

The reason for the jokes is to throw the target off his/her game. Sooner or later, they're going to question themselves. "What is it about me that is sending off those signals? Why do they think that about me?" They DON'T actually think that. They're using it as a weapon to undermine confidence.

The most infuriating thing about this subtle undercutting is that you can't prove it. They stay *just* under the radar, so it's deniable. If you say anything, or even ask them what they meant, they can claim it's all in your imagination.

[cklasik]

Originally Posted by Arbie

It doesn't matter if the recipient of constant jokes actually has that trait or not. A person with normal breath gets digs about having bad breath. A person of healthy weight gets digs about being fat. A person of normal intelligence gets digs about being an airhead. And a person who is straight gets digs about being gay.

The reason for the jokes is to throw the target off his/her game. Sooner or later, they're going to question themselves. "What is it about me that is sending off those signals? Why do they think that about me?" They DON'T actually think that. They're using it as a weapon to undermine confidence.

The most infuriating thing about this subtle undercutting is that you can't prove it. They stay *just* under the radar, so it's deniable. If you say anything, or even ask them what they meant, they can claim it's all in your imagination.

Well put, thank you. There is no name for this kind of behaviour / attitude, is there?

I wonder what to do about it. Avoid such individuals when possible? I have never managed to make myself indifferent to this kind of behaviour. It feels as a mild illness or disfunction, not dangerous but contagious.

Some of these do require planning - and you would not believe in three gaffes in a row.

The worst thing is the anticipation while hearing nonsense that is sure to turn out in a moment to have been meant to wrap up some vile comments because no one would otherwise bother uttering such cr...

Yes, it is not the remarks themselves but being subjected to bad-intentioned class B monologues.

Sorry for being negative.

[keepontrucking]

Originally Posted by Arbie

I think I can sense what you're going through. It's the same as if a person has weight issues, and one of her co-workers has a habit working words like "big" and "fat" and "wide" into the conversation at every opportunity. "Oh, those new office chairs are nice and big in the seat, Alice. You should be comfortable sitting in them." Alice knows it's meant to be a dig at her, but she can't prove it.

OT?

Interesting thought. My Sister has accused me of this but I am only carrying out Normal conversation.

I and My mother were discussing How out Bowel Movements were Like a medical discussion, and My Sister got mad at that. She got mad at me the last time because I had to go to the bathroom.

My sisters NPD friend told her I said Sis was a child molester. I didn't say that but Sis believes I did. My Sister would never do that, and I Never would say that! So, Every time I mention Babies She says I am doing that to torture her. She got really mad when I told her My chihuahuas were My babies. I didn't think Nothing was digging her about My dogs for Pete sakes!

Then I sit and wonder is the NPD person Mirroring herself? (who started the rumor) She has done some weird things. She encouraged Her Son and his wife (both mentally slow) to let her Grandchildren stay with a known CM. for the weekend. Something happened to the children...They would not say. The NPD encouraged them NOT TO TURN IN THE CM because NPD told them that the police wouldn't believe them because the police already knew and that it would get the children taken away from them!

Is she really the child molester? Maybe someone might have the answer to that! This person has ruined My relationship between me and My Sister.